Abridged Review: Cinematic Titanic: The Oozing Skull

So a little explanation on this one first. What is "Cinematic Titanic?" It is a DVD series in the vein of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with a cast that is comprised of MST3k alums including original host Joel Hodgson. It isn't exactly like MST3k though, CT puts more focus on the actual movie, they don't break into it with skits etc..(though they do pause the movie on occasion for some silhouetted shenanigans).

Ok then so what about "The Oozing Skull." what is that? It's a horror flick from the 70's that was originally titled "Brain of Blood." Part of the deal that CT made when acquiring the rights was that they should re title the movie so as not to confuse merchandising. "Brain of Blood" is the type of movie that on it's own I could definitely see myself sitting down and watching (MST3K had a few of them as well, most notably "This Island Earth" from MST3K: The Movie).

Extremely brief overview of "The Oozing Skull/Brain of Blood"
The leader of Kalid, Amir, is dying. This is bad. But there is a chance for him by way of an experimental, and scoffed at by the medical community, brain transplant. As per usual that doesn't go exactly as planned. Instead of a normal healthy body Dr. Trenton must place Amir's brain into that of the Doctor's large deformed assistant. Amir's new body has unplanned and violent side effects on Amir's mind. On top of that Dr. Trenton has his own nefarious plans. Throw in an angry violent dwarf assistant, and a chained up woman in the basement and that about covers what you should expect!

So yeah the film on it's own is pretty awesome.


Now the "Cinematic Titanic" elements.
This is where I may upset some people. Before I start I'll say that I Love the concept and I really really want the franchise to succeed.

That being said I didn't love the experience as much as I had hoped. I did enjoy it.


The Good
Funny people getting together and talking funny about questionable movies, just a fun concept. The crew is great and clearly comfortable with this style of comedy.

As per usual with this kind of fare not every joke told will be a winner. But those that work do so extremely well. I'll admit that the Minnesotan accent killed me every time (which to be fair is the norm for me. Even when it is just family speaking with it.).


The Not So Good
Some of the jokes just came off a bit too contrived and practiced. Also the pace of them was at times just a little much. Take a breather guys!

The silhouetted look was reminiscent of MST3K though slightly tweaked. I didn't mind that, and the movement was nice. I wasn't so much a fan of the crane jokes that really slowed things down.

The biggest thing I think was that it just seemed like a stream of one liners in rapid succession as opposed to a running commentary.


Final Thoughts
What we have here in essence, nitpicking aside, is a few things. It's an interesting concept, a nostalgia inducing good time, an entertaining movie, and above all else a great start!

If you were to ask me my opinion on if you should pick this up or not I'd have no trouble telling you to run to the site and order yourself a copy. Small bumps aside it is a fun time. Also remember supporting this movie helps ensure the future of the series and the future potential here as I see it is huge!

FGFC: The Manitou

So this could be interesting. As you know it is time once again for the Final Girl Film Club. This time it is “The Manitou” a movie that I was a little nervous about going in, but as you'll see in a minute that was all unfounded nervousness!

Normally I am able to keep some sort of order when talking about movies. That is because generally I write while watching. I have the memory of an etch-a-sketch, things leave quickly and if they remain they may not be exactly in order. Case in point I've been searching for the DVD of “The Manitou” for two days now. That sucker is gone, I suspect foul play of some sort...

I shall dub this Fuzzy Memory Theater-eater-eater...

The Basics
Karen (Susan Strasburg) has recently become afflicted with some sort of strange growth on her back. By growth I of course mean that she has started growing an evil medicine man on her back. She really would like to get rid of it (naturally). The medicine man however doesn't really want to go anywhere just yet. He conveys this by causing all kinds of fun havoc whenever an attempt is made to remove him. A Dr. cuts himself with a scalpel, and laser goes apeshit nutso, you know fun stuff like that.

Of course Karen didn't realize on her own that the growth was an evil medicine man, not even the baffled doctors could figure that one out on their own. The footwork was left up to close friend (ahem) of Karen and sham tarot card reading, robe wearing fake mustache sporting Harry (Tony Curtis). After an unfortunate (but AWESOME) incident with a client Harry realizes things really are serious. He enlists the help of a friend and fellow psychic type named Amelia (Stella Stevens), and Amelia's husband MacArthur (Hugh Corcoran). They attempt a Séance with ...mixed results. They still needed more answers, so a book lead them to search out and speak with Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith). Dr. Snow may be an authority on the subject, he may have a vast collection of ancient Indian artifacts books and information, he may have written books on it himself, but really he doesn't seem to believe in all of this jibber jabber. Still he does pass along some helpful knowledge "eat lightning and crap thunder!”* based on their description.

Once they realize that it is not a tumor they are dealing with but an ancient Indian medicine man they realize that the only way to fight back is with some Indian magic of their own. That of course will require them to find a real life Indian to help them out. Queue John Singing Rock (Michael Ansara) who eventually agrees to help Harry out, for a price. John sheds some more light on the history of the medicine man and his resurrecting ways. He also teaches them about “The Manitou.” John attempts to use his magics to fight the medicine man before he is “born,” this of course angers the little guy.

Once the MM is born from Karen's back we find out that not only is he powerful but he is also pint sized. John has created a circle of power to trap the MM but it won't hold forever. It didn't, once the MM escapes he freezes the entire floor of the hospital, including a nurse! After an incident with an exploding typewriter we learn that even computer have manitou, souls, the power of these can be used to fight the MM. Unfortunately this would be “white man” magic and thus John Singing Rock is unable to call upon the power. Harry on the other hand is able to man up and call up the power! When he does all of the computers and gadgets lend the power of their souls in to help the fight. They do this by imbuing the now naked Karen with magical hand lasers. This leads to the naked Karen and the MM competing against each other in what I can only describe as a psychedelically charged game of Asteroids to the death!

Once the little fella is vanquished (for now) that is pretty much that. Karen is better, and happy with Harry. John Singing Rock is a little bit less racist against the white man, especially after Harry pays him his tobacco (and presumably is going to also honor the promise of cash) and I life goes on.


Thoughts
Honestly my first thought as the credits rolled was very simply “Holy crap that was freaking awesome!” Ok so in my head “crap” was replaced by “shit” and “freaking” by “fucking” but I keep things clean around here dammit so I can't say such things**...Anyway I really don't know where to begin. What didn't the movie have? I mean Indian magic, an all powerful midget, Tony Curtis playing dress up (I've been watching “Some Like it Hot” quite a bit lately so seeing him dressed up as a man was a nice change). Hell the movie even had an exploding typewriter.

To me it was really a lot like stepping onto a roller coaster of awesome. A great movie that doesn't bog you down with the drudgery of logic and believability. OK so not believable to us the viewer, but the important thing was it WAS believable to the character. Thats why it worked I think, they played it off just so cheerily right!

I don't know what else I can say, I just really had a great time with this one. Writer/director William Girdler, good on ya!


Notes I made while watching
Crap that fall was brutal...brutally awesome!***

If John didn't want “Mr. White Man's pleas” why exactly did pleading with work?

What good is a magical circle of holding if someone is just inevitable going to break the thing anyway?

Why they put Tony Curtis in that shirt that not only showcased his rack, but also his unfortunately rigid nipples?

What kind of jackass takes a little nap while he is supposed to be watching a magical and evil 400 year old medicine man who has just recently sprang whole from a tumor on a woman's back?

Did Harry really only pay John with 2 packets of tobacco? What was he going for the cheap bastard award or something?


* - wrong movie sorry, my bad.
** - this better help bump my blog up to an NC-17 rating or I'll kick, punch, and bloody that damn rating site!
*** - I overuse the word awesome, I'm sorry...

FGFC: "Suspiria"

Ah yes here we are once again for the Final Girl Film Club a.k.a. the FGFC. I'm fashionably late for it again as a matter of fact. I have an excellent excuse though. You see I believe that all important things should be put off until the very last minute to ensure that you keep your ass on your toes while you are doing it. Any simp can do something when they have all the time in the world. The pressure of the approaching time line focuses, keeps ya sharp and fearful. So that was my plan, spend the final weekend before Monday preparing my thoughts. At least that was my plan until I got a call from a friend who had just snagged “Rock Band” for the weekend and my presence would be required as without me the rockage would be severely underpowered. Fear not though my abandon for responsibility didn't go unpunished, my lesson was learned by way of an errant drumstick to the face (Message received loud and clear!).

The plan was then changed to go hang out and rock out for the weekend and return home Monday morning to spend some time with the movie and Open Office. Sadly being a non driver I rely on the word of others for transportation, I have to make plans as I live in a place where even cabs won't go. Even sadlier (or sadder if you are boring) I know a lot of unreliable people who say they will show up at about noon but don't actually show up, with nary an explanation, until after 6.

So where was I? Oh yeah This time around the movie is “Suspiria” Let's roll!

...This is the part where I mention as usual I went into the movie knowing precious little about it etcetera etcetera...


The Abridged Story
So here is how it goes down.

A dancer,Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper), goes to study at a dancing academy in Germany. Unfortunately the trip turns out to be full of the bad.

For starters as soon as Suzy arrives in Germany she is greeted by terrible weather. Not only that but she has a lot of trouble catching a cab, even when she does finally get one to stop the cabbie is kind of a slapass. I mean come on man, the words she said were the same ones you said. Why couldn't you understand?

As soon as Suzy arrives at the academy she sees another student at the door talking to someone and making a quite hasty retreat. Following that Suzy is denied entrance and must crawl back into the cash cab and head elsewhere for the night.

We find out that the retreating girl has a name! Pat Hingle (Eva Axén), we find out she was kicked out of school but she really doesn't give a damn. But really whether or not she gives a damn makes no never mind as soon enough she is greeted by some Scooby-Doo eyes from outside the window just before a hand reaches through the window and Pat is treated to the good old smash, slash, stab, an hang treatment. The friend that Pat was staying with isn't left out either though, she gets the falling stained glass window shrapnel treatment. That old chestnut!

The next morning, back at the academy Suzy arrives gets to meet the creepy Miss Tanner (Alida Valli), the even creepier Madame Blanc (Joan Bennett), and the creepiest of them all the young blonde nephew of Madame Blanc, Albert (Jacopo Mariani).

Suzy is informed that her room isn't ready yet, but arrangements have been made for her to temporarily board with another student, Olga (Barbara Magnolfi). Suzy gets to meet Olga in the locker room before class, she also gets to meet Sara (Stefania Casini) whom she strikes up a friendship with.

This takes us to the scariest thing in the entire film. Olga's walls, holy black and white flower explosions!

Suzy starts piecing together what she heard Pat saying as she left the building the night before, well two words of it at any rate (so far).

Now that Suzy's room at the academy is ready Suzy decides that she prefers the power of the flower and she wants to stay with Olga instead. Blanc doesn't seem thrilled, but what can she do? Oh I don't know, how about having a member of the staff cast a little spelly spell on Suzy, how about that!

Now Suzy isn't feeling very well (damn that black magic) but Miss Tanner isn't hearing any of that noise, she wants to see Suzy dance. So dance Suzy does, poorly, I give it like a 4. I had to take away points for that whole passing out and bleeding from the nose and mouth that happened at the end.

When Suzy wakes up she finds out that; Miss Tanner would really like it if she would drink some water, she lost a lot of blood which need replenishing, shots hurt, and Olga didn't like the idea of bunking with a leper. On the plus side Suzy's new special diet does include wine, lots of wine.

So yeah, maggots falling from the ceiling? Gross! I think so, the girls think so. Unfortunately it can't be fixed until the next morning. The answer? A Pajama Jammy Jam in the dance hall!

A strange snoring is emanating from behind Suzy and Sara. Sara has heard it before, it comes from...the Directress! Dun DunDunnnnn

The next night Sara is in Suzy's room talking about the teachers walking at night. Suzy realizes it doesn't sound like they are leaving the school, They are walking away from the front door, not towards it!

Like a fool Suzy goes to Madam Blanc to talk about Pat's disappearance and if she knows anything about the words “secret” and “irises” which are the words that she is remembering from the night that Pat was killed. Blanc knows nuthink! So in her never ending pursuit of answers Suzy talks with Sara (this time in the pool). Sara reveals that the person Pat was talking to as she left the building that night, Sara was also the voice on the intercom sending Suzy away.

Sara was planning on sharing the notes on the teachers that she got from Pat with Suzy that night until they were stolen. So instead of discussing the notes she woke Suzy up to tell her how they had been stolen. Suzy is acting like she is drugged up sleepy and thus she is unable to answer when Sara asks her if she knows about witches.

Sara hears a noise and flees the room. Running the halls she is unable to find a place to hide until she finds the steps up to the attic area. In the attic the yellow eyes make a reappearance and nearly get Sara until she locks herself in a room. The lock on the door isn't very effective so an alternate escape must be made, as luck would have it there is a window. Tough luck though, the ground under the window is covered with a ton of razor (or is it barbed?) wire. Even worse luck Sara doesn't notice this fact until after she jumps directly into the middle of it. In a fit of the worst luck ever Sara is not only writhing around in the sharp wires but now she finds herself stabbed!

Back to Suzy, now awake, she can't seem to find Sara. Miss Tanner informs her that Sara snuck off in the night. Suzy obviously worried calls a friend of Sara's, Dr. Frank Mandell (Udo Kier), they make plans to meet and discuss.

Frank has spoken with Sara's family and they have no news. We learn that not only was he Sara's friend but he also was her psychiatrist in the past. Lately Sara had been concerned about some strange notions that she had been told. Notions about Madame Marcus, the founder of the academy who was a suspected witch. As Frank doesn't believe in witches much he introduces Suzy to Prof. Milius who has studied them extensively. He can answer her questions.

Once prompted Prof. Milius discusses Helena Marcus which leads to a discussion of covens and how to take them out (whacking the head witch Soprano's style baybee!).

In her room Suzy sees the Scooby-eyes peeking so naturally she opens the window to investigate. Bad move, a crazy bat flies in and makes with the attack. That is until the bat starts flying low to the ground so Suzy can cover it with a blanket and use her stool to create some mashed bad soup on the floor.

Once again hearing the footsteps going in the wrong direction Suzy decides enough is enough, she is going to investigate. She finds her way into a carpeted room, which explains why she can't hear footsteps beyond that point. This is another room with no exits other than the door she entered through...or is it? On the wall she spies three painted flowers, irises in fact. Another flashback reveals that Pat actually said “Three irises turn the blue one,” and she does which reveals a secret door. Jinkies!

In the door is a long long hallway at the end of which Suzy finds a room in which; Miss Tanner, Madame Blanc, Albert, and many others were discussing her. “She must die die die” exclaims Madame Blanc who then prays to Helena Marcus to give her the power (not of Grayskull).

Suzy turns around behind a curtain and finds the bloodied and slightly mutilated body of Sara. She doesn't really have time to freak out though as this is enemy territory so she still needs to hide. A quick duck through a door provides some cover, briefly. It turns out she is in Helena's bedroom, she hears that strange snoring and sees someone in the bed behind a curtain (lots of curtains in this place). Naturally a bit nervous Suzy knocks a lamp over which wakes up Helena.

Good new, Helena has been waiting for Suzy. Bad news when Suzy opens up the curtains there is nobody in the bed. Worse news, an invisible Helena starts taunting and warning Suzy about a meeting with the dead coming up very soon. Good news, Sara is back! Bad news, she is a knife wielding zombie. Good news, Helena isn't 100% invisible anymore and thus is once again stabable! Bad news, now that Helena is dead (along with the entire coven) the building is tearing apart.

Suzy makes a run for it and escapes just in time and walks off to live a full long happy life. Unless of course the authorities don't accept her explanation for all the deaths and destruction...but that is just my theory.

Helena would have gotten away with it all! If it wasn't for those meddling kids.....

Thoughts
First things first, the movie is visually beautiful. Even the grotesque images were done in a way that you couldn't help but admire them (in a manner). Many of the scenes had a look as if they could have easily been images plucked from the pages of a graphic novel somewhere, brilliant uses of light and color. The movie literally made me wish that I had a bigger TV and a better setup just so I could do what I was seeing justice.

I thought the dubbing was done quite well and for the most part seamlessly. I always find this kind of thing interesting, how insanely difficult would it be to get a story told when many of the actors are speaking different languages and don't understand each other. They really have to know the script and the director really needs to keep on his/her toes!

At first I thought the pacing was going a little slower than it should but as the movie progressed it started feeling really right, for the most part. Where as early on it seems to be taking a slight bit more time than it needed to the ending, though good, flew by a little too quickly.

As I said, the ending was good. Its just, the showdown between Suzy and Helena went by so quickly that it almost became anticlimactic. The visuals were awesome though, the energy outlining Helena giving Suzy a target looked really good and the undead knife wielding Sara looked awesome! I feel sorry that she didn't get her chance to attempt to make with the stabby.

The main weak point again surrounds Helena. Or the lack of her. There is a very well thought out back story for her, unfortunately it is all brought up at once fairly late in the movie. There were a few hints and whispers early on but not enough for me, or at least not clear enough. A few more bits of her story should have been dropped throughout the early parts so that when Suzy finally does talk to Dr. Mandel and Prof. Milius and gets the whole story it is more of a putting together of things we know instead of a lot of new information to remember.


Final Thoughts
While I wouldn't call “Suspiria” perfection I would call it a very good movie and a great time. It is a little bit like watching insanity unfold, but in a good way. It held up extremely well to multiple viewings, especially the visuals.

“Suspiria” was a great introduction into this type of film and I can't wait to dive back in and see what else an be found!


In other news
People whose names start with an S are sssssnakessss ...Discuss.

FGFC: "The Hand"

Wow is it really time for another Final Girl Film Club pick already? Actually it is, no wait that isn't right let me try that again. Actually it WAS. Yep the 3rd was the due date. But I can't be held down by society's rules man! Besides, somehow I managed to convince myself that the due date was the 5th. That being that the plan was to get this done on the 4th and pretend that I was somewhat reliable and almost on the ball. Then I realized, nah why start being responsible now? Besides sending getting this done today (the 5th) really sends a message out to “the man.” That message is I'll not conform to you man! At least not until I train myself to use a to do list....

Since I didn't have the movie in front of me while writing I'll be skipping the play by play. Sadly my memory betrays me when I don't have the flick playing. I could attempt it but about two paragraphs in it would start to morph from “The Hand” into a mixture of “Serenity”, “Clerks”, “Cannibal the Musical”, and “Rudy.” Which incidentally is a script I am planning on pitching to all of the Hollywood fat cats some day.

So, where was I? Oh yeah. This month the pick was The Hand. Another flick from that gem of a year 1981. In DnD terms being created in 1981 automatically makes this a Movie +3.

As usual I went in knowing precious little about the plot. Only that it involved a severed hand, death, and a young Michael Caine. This left quite a bit to my imagination. In my head I had taken Think from “The Addams Family” and mixed him with Ash's hand from the “Evil Dead” flicks and hit puree. So I was surprised when they went with more story than gore-ey.

...ughh can we all just pretend that I didn't type that last part?


And onto random scattered blathering thoughts that crept out of my caffeine deprived skull.

The Good

The effects. What is up with the awesome creepy effects that came out of 81? I've seen movies with large budgets from the last year or two who couldn't compete with the creepiness of the crawling hand in “The Hand” and my God what the hell was up with the brutal severing of the hand in the first place?

Michael Caine was great. I can't stress that enough. I've always enjoyed his work. Shamefully I haven't seen as much of it as I would like so it was great for me to see him actually leading a movie. Even if his younger look did remind me of some sort of creepy cross between Eric Idle and Gene Wilder (Admit it you saw it too, didn't you? Didn't you?!?). Physical appearance aside Caine was just great and he was forced to do his work. Was there an emotion he didn't have to go through here?

That hand flying off gets my newly created “Fuck that moment of the movie” award. Because seriously, losing your hand (and in turn your career) in that manner...fuck that!

How great is the phrase “Silly cow” when referring to a poor driver that is annoying you? Or anyone for that matter. I think I'll start using it. At least until the first punch is thrown.

Plot and character development? Gotta say I wasn't expecting as much of it as I got, and that is a good thing.

OK, this maybe over sharing a bit but I think you all can take it. I really really enjoy off the wall semi-inappropriate art. Were I the type to plaster my walls with framed paintings and sketches those would be the type I would go for. Off the wall, ya know what I mean? Well the sketch that Jon(or the hand) sneaks into Stella's sketch book totally fits the bill! I'm kicking my own ass for forgetting to grab a screen shot of it. Well I'm not kicking it yet, but once I'm done writing here I'm totally taking myself out back and beat the stuffing out of myself. But yeah anyway I loved the sketch, quite disturbingly awesome.


The less than good

This is a personal one and not really a knock on the movie technically but... I have a real aversion to adultery, even in movies. It just rubs me the wrong way and inspires that creepy look away not having fun feeling. Consequently I hated Bill immediately and nearly as quickly I started really hating Anne.

So that may have helped, but really I couldn't get into Anne at all as a character. Other than the daughter is there any reason Jon should like her? Again I say Ugh.


Final Thoughts

I bring up again Michael Caine. “The Hand” doesn't work without him. He worked his butt off and what could have come across as half assed and forgettable he really made it work.

I jump on and off the Oliver Stone bandwagon, I either really like or really dislike is stuff usually. I'm putting “The Hand” down in the “W” column for him. Also from now on because of this movie I am now reserving the right to refer to Stone as a “dirty bum” anytime I choose. I'll make sure to use the term anytime that “Alexander” crosses my path.

But above all my total final thought is; Whatever rambling I've done here does not do the movie justice. In the right frame of mind I decry “The Hand” a movie that you really really should at least rent.

1981: Still rockin' and rollin' struttin' and strollin'!

No don't ask my why that last phrase came to my mind because I don't know. I also don't know how the picture of the toy Rocker's worked it's way into the end here, so let's all just smile and pretend not to notice them OK?




Boomer Sooner

Askewed Review (supersized) Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

*Edit*Slight format switch this time around. Since my “The Basics” synopsis ran unendingly long “Way too long” I have moved it to the bottom, that way it is easier to ignore should you wish. */Edit*

It all started a week ago. Where during her regular “Final Girl: Awesome Movie Poster Friday” Stacie Ponder put up a special Adrienne Barbeau poster list. That list can be found Here, as you'll notice among the ranks of the posters is a landscaped gem for Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. Well I don't know about you but that is a title that I certainly can't pass up. Upon further inspection I realized not only was the title impossible to ignore but the movie also stars one of my all time favorites Shannon Tweed.

So armed with this knowledge and a Netflix account at my fingertips my decision was made. “Easy Rider” was pushed back a week and “Cannibal Women” was added to the top of the heap. Then the wait started. I of course used my time wisely. I spent a night or two with Guitar Hero 3, another night watching “Cannibal: The Musical” with the commentary track on(An experience nearly deserving it's own post), some podcasts were listened to, I re watched all of the episodes of “The Guild” starting here, I kicked back with some Cheap Trick... But mostly I just spent my time cursing the slowness of the mail.

When the red envelope finally did appear in my PO box it was nestled between two other red envelopes (“Oceans 13” and “Enterprise: Season 1 Disc 1” ....don't ask). Needless to say I was ready. What did I find?

Well let's find that out together....
Warning, I spoil almost EVERYTHING.

..I say “almost” because in this post I never mention the part about Bunny's red rope licorice fetish

....shit....never mind.....


My Thoughts
It is no secret that I'm a big fan of the B-movie scene. Or as I like to call it, 3am cinema. I also like parody, and I'm a sucker for movies with a thinly veiled message...Well two out of three.

“CWitAJoD” isn't exactly a B-movie, it is more of an homage to them, which is good. They also mix in a bit of parody, not so much of the B's but of other movies and genres. This also is good, when done right. Which I believe it was. The 2001 bit with the beer in place of the monolith was great for me.

It also turns out that behind the absurd storytelling there is a bit of a message. You can apply it to many situations, but the example they use is radical feminism (obviously). I mean the entire flick is about trouble caused by a group of man eaters, and men's inability to deal with strong women, gender roles, stereotypes, etc... So the message, at least the message I got. Extremism...bad. Equality...good.

Maybe you'll get something else out of the movie than I did, or maybe I just put too much thought into it.

Does the movie work? For me hell yeah it does!

Bill Maher was cheesy believable as a clumsy bullheaded macho dweeb. Shannon Tweed was, well she was Shannon Tweed, a little stiff in her portrayal of Dr. Hunt, but it worked great. Especially when paired up with the valley girl-like constantly happy blissfully ignorant ways of the attached at the hip Bunny.

Sadly I'm not as familiar or friendly with Adrienne Barebeau's body of work as I should be (yes my head is lowered in shame at this very moment). But I can certainly see why people love her based on her time as Francine Kurtz, honestly she acted the hell outta that part. While I enjoyed everyone Else's work in the movie Barbeau actually shined with her serious take on Dr. Kurtz, which is good because..well Francine was VERY serious about what she was doing so it translated well.

Final thoughts

Will you like this movie? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not 100% that I “liked” it, but I enjoyed the heck out of it (twice). I say it give it a shot. What have you got to lose? Only 90 minutes.

On the flip side I did notice that there is a LOT of exposition in the film. Talk talk talk, it isn't out of place but for action heads I can see where that could be an issue. But the plus to this minus is that all of the main characters have unique voices and ideals that are very easy to pick up on.

It is most definitely worth a shot if you are of the Elvira's Movie Macabre, or the MST3k camp (I just know that Crow would LOVE this movie).....I wish I had three robot friends.

Just for the love of God, whatever you do, when you sit down to view this movie make sure you put your head in the right place. Don't be all serious, don't expect an Oscar. I may not drink but I can certainly sense a beer movie when I see one. So if you partake do yourself a favor, grab a couple, grab a friend, hit play an go forth into the magical land of ....cannibalism and khaki.


The Basics Story
It is a normal day at work for Dr. Margo Hunt (Shannon Tweed), she is teaching her Feminist Studies class at Spritzer College, answering strange questions from a bubbly student, Bunny (Karen Mistal), questions like “is there a feminist cooking class?” Yep normal day all around that is until a surprise visit from a couple of military types. They explain to Margo that the U.S. is in the middle of an emergency. It seems that they are low on the precious resource that is the avocado.

That means an excursion into the Avocado Jungle. Unfortunately an ancient feminist tribe lives within the jungle and they don't like trespassers. The tribe is of course the cannibal women, or as they all themselves the Piranha Women. The government has already attempted to take the jungle by force. This ended in catastrophe when a pile of guacamole covered dog tags were left at the jungle's edge. The military, now desperate tells Margo that they don't wish to harm the Piranha Women. They just want the precious avocados. They would like Dr. Hunt as a feminist, to go into the jungle and negotiate with the women. They have even set aside a reservation in Malibu that the Piranha Women can be moved into, all their needs will be taken care of they'll even let them continue with their strange rituals, after all “That's the problem of the Piranha men” not them.

Margo decides that she will go into the jungle. By “decides” what I mean I she was blackmailed by threat of removed government funding from Spritzer. But she is also curious to find out what has become of the last feminist anthropologist to enter the jungle. A Dr. Francine Kurtz, internationally known author of the book“Smart Women, Stupid Insensitive Men.”

After a quick stop off at the teaching supplies desk to pick up a knife, some climbing rope, a revolver and a thousand rounds of ammunition among other things Dr. Hunt is off to find a guide and enter the jungle, but not before picking up a tag along in the form of Bunny.

Where do you find a guide for such a trip? Why in a bar on the outskirts of the jungle of course. A bar in a little town known as San Bernardino. Margo and Bunny interview three potential guides; Anvil, a Vietnam vet with no problem blowing anything in his way up. Bushido, the worlds greatest ninja...seems to need some work in the shuriken department. And The Black Masked Avenger, world renowned professional wrestler and body builder. He can bend steel and chew on the end! Sadly every one of the potentials flees at the mention of the Avocado Jungle. Probably a smart move!

This leaves poor Margo with but one choice. Jim (Bill Maher), a klutzy, mouthy, chauvinistic ex-one night stand of Margo's who just happens to be at the right bar at the right time. Naturally Margo would prefer to go without a guide but she needs him. After all she has no idea how to survive in the jungle.

Neither does Jim really, but he does have a survival guide to the Avocado Jungle, a paperback that is now out of print. Reluctantly Margo agrees to hire Jim on as a guide, but only after he reduces his reasonable $25,000 fee down to a minuscule $50 plus expenses...I wish he would have pulled out the old “but now you're robbin' me!” line.

Very quickly a few things are revealed. Bunny has a crush on Jim, Jim can't read a map, Margo has a long history of relationship issues, yadda yadda.

Eventually the group finds an old abandoned boat (The all knowing Jim has a story about that as well) and they move from land to water. Eventually the group find themselves under an attack of sorts. They were accosted by knitted potholders and doilies. Well maybe not an attack...apparently it was an offering. Gifts from the Donnahews, a subservient group of men that live in the jungle, make baked good and knit things as offerings to the Piranha Women in exchange for the women not eating them. A fair trade I feel.

A group of subservient sniveling wimpy men? To Jim this just doesn't compute. While the women sleep Jim attempts to evolve the men. Enter man's best friend BEER. There was some bonding, some teaching, some grunting, and many many cans of beer. So much beer that Jim finds himself a bit unconscious. Pffft lightweight.

So now Bunny who can't sleep decides to come ask for a nice cup of hot chocolate. Apparently the impenetrable walls of the tent don't allow her to hear the ruckus outside! Before she knows what is happening Jim's teaching takes effect and the Donnahews pounce. No, pounce is the wrong word. They sort of drunkenly lumber and mumble towards her eventually overtaking her. Luckily Margo has miraculously heard all of this and is out to make the save with her trusty gun. BANG BANG and the Jim Clones scatter.

Jim's response to his teachings nearly causing a gang rape...He's sorry that the boys got out of line, but at least it was encouraging to see them taking a healthy interest in the opposite sex. Yep...healthy, I don't think I can defend Jim on this one. I mean any simp knows that when you are trying to change the ideals of an entire group of peoples the first thing you do is make sure they know that rape=bad.

Lunchtime rolls around, Margo isn't happy. She's sick of Guacamole. I would be to. Jim gloats , after all he did mention earlier that within a few days she would be begging for a Burger King. That's when it happens. Margo gives Jim a look, he catches it and realizes “....You want to eat me!”. And she did, but only for a single weak moment.

Margo decides that the jungle is getting to them so they need to turn tail and beat it. Too late though, the Piranha women have found them. When Margo mentions the name Dr. Kurtz the Piranha Women take the group back to their temple. The temple itself shows a remarkably advanced architectural style. Jim thinks it looks like a big Lego. I think it looks more like a Duplo.

Jim and Margo discover the pool filled with actual piranha in the courtyard when Dr. Francine Kurtz emerges from the temple. Good timing as she really seems to have a thing for those piranha.

As it turns out when she was captured the Piranha Women christened her their new empress. A powerful and wise empress she turned out to be, she was even able to lead the jungle women to their successful defense against the military (remember that from earlier?). Not only did the soldiers have to die, but they were delicious to boot!

Kurtz offers Hunt the chance to join the tribe. She also reveals that There is no avocado shortage. Actually the U.S. has too many of the things (I agree, yuck!). Francine is also aware of the Malibu offer, She is also aware of the subscriptions to Cosmo, the group of Mary Kay saleswomen, and the ultimate plan of eliminating the Piranha Women cultural assimilation!....What anthropologist would agree to those terms? None that's who...not even Margo.

Still Dr. Hunt refuses to join. Kurtz has no choice. She must have Margo thrown into the piranha pool. Bunny on the other hand has no problem killing and eating a man to become part of the tribe, as long as she gets one of those cute outfits. This revelation gives Jean-Pierre (Margo's would be sacrifice) a chance to cause a ruckus escaping his chains and helping Margo get out of the temple. Jim isn't so lucky. He is to be Bunny's sacrifice. They even marinate him! Yeesh, I thought that the guacamole looked bad.

On the run from the Piranha Women Margo is rescued by another tribe of jungle women. The Barracuda Women of the Avocado Jungle. You see thousands of years ago the Piranha Women and the Barracuda Women were as one, but they split up and have been at war because of a very fundamental argument....The Piranha Women cook and eat their men with guacamole dip. The Barracuda Women disagree with this practice heartily. They believe they should be eaten with clam dip. I'm still going to take a pass on seconds.

Margo leads the Barracuda Women to the temple to make a rescue attempt for her friends. Along the way she discusses with their leader a plan to help reunite the tribes by way of a council comprised of equal representatives from each group to get together bi-weekly to discuss their issues. I hope that they use tiki torches for their voting!

Once inside the temple Margo stumbles across Dr. Kurtz's field notes, and an outline for a book she is writing.

Meanwhile Jim is weighing the pros and cons of his current situation, “She's going to make love to me, that's good. Then she's going to eat me, thats bad. ...Why can't I ever have a completely good day?” Bunny is getting ready for her initiation by being washed and having her hair dyed for the occasion.

At the last minute Jim is able to use his wiles to make Bunny change her mind. She realizes that she can't kill him...she loves him (awwwww). This displeases Dr. Kurtz and as usual she sentences them to death by being dumped in the pool of piranha. She must really love feeding those fish.

Before the feeding can go down Margo returns. A little late I feel. If not for luck at this point Bunny would be enjoying a serving of Jim by now wouldn't she?

Well no matter Margo is here now, and she is challenging Dr. Kurtz to a duel. A duel for the title of empress of the Piranha Women. Apparently that is how you take over, who knew? Kurtz can't refuse the request and the fight ensues.

During the fight Margo takes the opportunity to discuss Francine's plans of exploiting her time with the Piranha Women in a tell all book. Kurtz denies it all (of course).

Margo has Kurtz beat, but shes no killer she doesn't make the killing strike. Instead Francine steps the blade impaling herself (Ouch!). After some confessing some tears and keeping everyone at a distance Francine decides to fling herself into the Piranha tank “Oh the humanity!, the humanity!!” I guess she really was serious about feeding the lil guys.

Back to civilization. Margo makes a trip to Malibu to visit her military contacts. She informs them of what she has learned. She also informs them that the jungle women will not be moving any time soon. Now it is Margo's turn to make with the strong arming. She insists on a very generous donation to her university. If they don't deliver she'll take her story to the talk show circuit and let the world know the truth!

Bunny and Jim on the other hand decide no more fighting for them. In fact they plan to get married, but only if Dr. Hunt gives her OK. Bunny sure doesn't want to disappoint Margo. Luckily Margo won't be alone. She has convinced Jean-Pierre to leave the jungle life and come to the city to pursue an education.

And that my friends is the ending to one of the most beautiful stories you'll ever know! Well OK it was a story.

Kudos to you dear friends if you have read through my ramblings all the way down to this point. You must either really like me, or really dislike yourself. Either way to you I say Mahoalo

FGFC: "Eyes of a Stranger"

Well it's that time again, time for the Final Girl Film Club. This time around the movie is ”Eyes of a Stranger”. Another flick from that magical year 1981, a year which brought us....wait I've already named off quite a bit of awesome that has come from 81 in previous posts...Still since I brought the year up ”An American Werewolf in London”...I'm just sayin, check it out would ya?

So ”Eyes of a Stranger” What to say? Well I had a tough time getting it from Netflix for a while but eventually a couple of weeks ago it actually did show up at my door which was cool. Then I watched it and was all ready to get this written down and put away to post well in advance. Sadly once I watched it and sat down I realized that I had nothin'. I sent the movie back and thought about it some more in the back of my mind, all the time planning on being able to sit down and write out something smart, something sexy, something relevant. That never happened, instead I spent the last week in an incredible amount of pain which culminated in a tooth being pulled, pain meds being distributed and me renting the movie from a local BB so that I could this time put something down(preying that the medicine induced haze help color my words)

I'm not sure if I've succeeded, but if I failed miserably at least I can blame the dentist this time (You hear that Doogie dentist? If this sucks I'm blaming you...you and your impossibly young image)

The Basics

Miami, normally a nice warm sunny happy place to live suddenly finds itself the unfortunate host to a serial killer/rapist(John DiSanti). The killing is really just the end result of the killer, Stanley Herbert's activities. First he stalks his victims, then he uses the telephone to terrorize them even going as far as to telling them what he is going to do to them, and then finally he makes with the face to face(or belt to neck, same diff...right?).

Stanley thinks he is being pretty slick about his business but what he doesn't know is local television news anchor, Jane Harris(Lauren Tewes) is suspicious of him. he witnessed him pulling into their apartment complex's parking garage one evening in a bloody shirt and changing into a clean one before heading upstairs. Jane, who has been pretty vocal and a tad overzealous about the story while reporting on the news decides not to take her own advice. She embarks on her own personal investigation of Stanley.

Jane's investigation eventually leads to danger not only for Jane, but also Tracy(Jennifer Jason Leigh), Jane's deaf and blind sister.


What works for me

First and foremost the best thing for me all around in this flick was the work of Jennifer Jason Leigh. Not only was she believable as being deaf and blind. But she also managed to convey a bit of the disconnectedness that her character most likely would have had from the trauma that led to her handicap. This was mainly done during the scenes with Stanley where even though she was incredibly scared for herself she also was distant, her face blank much of the time.

One thing that could have gone either way but ultimately ended up on the good side of the coin for me was Stanley himself, ridiculous name aside of course. At times in the genre it seems like every killer is out for revenge, or has a destiny, or something of the like, but not Stanley. Stanley proves pretty quickly that the only reason he does what he does is because he is a real dick. The phone calls prove that. Then later on he really proves it in one of the flicks more suspenseful scenes as he plays head games with an unknowing Tracy.

And yes I'll jump on the bandwagon and say “Sorry, but your party is dead....” is an awesome tagline!


stuff that didn't quite work for me

So Jane is quite adamant about anyone who notices anything suspicious should inform the police while he is on camera but once she starts noticing things herself she decides to take things into her own hands?

Of course who could blame her as another thing that really bugs me in these movies happened here as well. There is a serial killer on the loose, the news is warning people to inform the police if anything is happening. Inevitably the killer starts harassing someone who subsequently calls the police only to be told “it's probably nothing” by the voice on the other end of the line. Maybe someone should write a movie where all of the 911 operators who get canned for being clearly inept band together and go on their own killing spree.

What was up with strip clubs in the 80s? Was this an accurate portrayal? I so why do clubs still exist today? Good lord both dancers that were shown in the movie were painful and the opposite of sexy, but the interesting part is they both reached this same road by two very separate paths...The booze back then must have been dynamite!

How many times has a quote very similar to the following been used to explain someone's ill advised antics in a movie? “I made a promise to myself that I would never let anything happen to Tracy ever again”.


Confusing Outcome

Ok so when Tracy was younger she was kidnapped and traumatized which left her deaf and blind. They weren't physical problems which means they were mental, ok got that. So then when Stanley nearly rapes Tracy it jolts her eyes and ears back into working.

...so where does that leave these series of events for Tracy? I mean yeah it was bad for all of the other victims, but Tracy survived and in the long run is better for it. Doesn't that mean that in the end she and her sister Jane can't very well wish that it had never happened?


Final Thoughts

In the end “Eyes of a Stranger” left me with a very much “been there done that” feeling. There was very little new ground broken. With the exception of the Stanley/Tracy scene I didn't find anything truly intense.

It wasn't bad but at the same time I wouldn't go so far as to proclaim it as good either, all in all this comes down to a mediocre slasher film with a fantastic performance by Jennifer Jason Leigh, a few good effects, one slightly cool head in the fish aquarium gag, an awesome tagline, and very little else.

My verdict? Watch it if you are awake at 2am and you see it on HBO, but don't go out of your way to pick it up because you can do much better. '81 has a lot of real classics but this ain't one of em.


I'm just sayin

FGFC: "The Burning"

So the FGFC pick this time around is ”The Burning” a movie from the magical time of 1981. When you think about it some pretty awesome things happened in '81: “The Greatest American Hero” debuted, MTV was launched, “Halloween II” graced the silver screen, the IBM 5150 was released, “Evil Dead” came out, Julia Stiles, Amy Lee, and Natalie Portman were all born, and “An American Werewolf in London” was released....I think something else happened in '81 but I can't seem to remember what it is. Anyway getting back on track, as you can see “The Burning” had quite a bit to live up to.

The beginning a.k.a. What happens before the running around and slicing

As the movie starts we see Camp Blackstone where a group of young campers are planning on giving the camp Janitor Cropsy a bit of a scare. Apparently Cropsy isn't a very nice person and as such these kids take it upon themselves to break into his cabin while he sleeps and place an actually really creepy looking, worm ridden, waxy, severed head, with candles in it's eyes next to his bed. The prank works a little too well, Cropsy does in fact get scared...he gets so scared that he bats the head off of the shelf onto his bed where it promptly sets fire to him. As he jumps and runs around he knocks over his handy can of gasoline and the fire really takes off. After a quick fiery jog Cropsy makes with the stop and roll all the way down a hill into the river.

One week later at St. Catherine's Hospital we find out that Cropsy has survived, but he is burned badly “A fuckin' big mack...overdone” as he is described by a hospital employee.

Cut to five years later Cropsy is finally being discharged and the Doctors parting advice is that he let go of the anger towards the kids that did this.

After a brief stabby tryst with an unfortunate lady of the night it is time for Cropsy to return to Camp Blackstone to exact his revenge!


Thoughts

I wanted to love “The Burning” I really did which in retrospect may have been my problem. See I don't dislike much about the movie but at the same time not much really stands out as particularly awesome either. The overall atmosphere of the movie seems right, some decently tense moments, some fun camp stuff, pretty much the usual and not much else.

There were a couple of things that bothered me or I found strange for some reason or the other. One of them being when Todd and the kids are sitting around the campfire and Todd told the story of the “legend of Cropsy.” Since Todd was one of the kids directly responsible for burning Cropsy it seemed inappropriate for him to be using that story for entertainment. I could see if one of the kids told it as a scary story and Todd had sat uncomfortably or something but... The other thing that bugged me a bit was the character development. For the most part the campers who were killed I really wasn't all that involved with. For that matter I don't believe I was surprised even once by a slaying, they all came about fairly obviously. In fact I was more surprised by who all survived than anything.

As far as highlights go, I'll probably get a lot of flack for this one but I thought it was pretty cool to see a young Jason Alexander in a much different style role. Sure he was a bit cheesy, but actually that is what made him believable. I mean haven't we all met that kind of smart assed, sometimes funny guy who seems to be able to get along with everyone?

In the end I would have to say that it was worth watching once but in the future I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it again. If I am craving a summer camp slasher I'll be putting in “Sleepaway Camp”, or the old standard “Friday the 13th” part whatever. It hurts me to have to say that for me “The Burning” makes my thumbs point towards the middle...Or it would if I used my thumbs as a movie rating system.