Abridged Review(s): "Why so serious?"

Hey there, remember me? I'm the angry guy that used to frequent this place and bitch about a lot of things and geek out about other things. Ring any bells? No? Well it has been a while. I guess we start at the beginning then. Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and and taste. I've been around for a long, long year. Stole many a man's soul and faith.....No wait thats someone else. Screw it just read back you'll remember me!

As I said in my last post way way too long ago I've been keeping busy with projects of one sort or another. I've also been taking it easy on the movie front. I have a lot of them on my plate that I want to get to (including getting back on track with that pesky IMDB list of so long ago! (I've actually snuck a few in that I haven't spoken of yet(Three sets of parenthesis!!!))). But there are a few flicks I've taken the time out to check out recently, some good “The Dark Knight,” Some less so “The Incredible Hulk” but I'm getting ahead of myself. Settle back, buckle up, and keep all your hands and feet inside the car at all times this could be bumpy. Let's jump right into it shall we?

The Incredible Hulk
If you don't remember me then you probably don't remember that I consider Ang Lee's Hulk to be a bit of a masterpiece. Admittedly I do owe a large nod to the always incredible Kim Morgan for my enjoyment of “Hulk.” If not for he enthusiasm for the flick I never would have touched it. It may be a flaw in me but for some reason or the other I just am not a huge fan of The Incredible Hulk. The comic books have never held my interest, the TV show bored me, etc...

I was very much ready to skip this one and catch it on DVD. Unfortunately it happened to come out right about at the same time as Father's Day was rolling around. I decided to treat my dad to any flick, his choice. Though I urged him towards “Iron Man” he wanted to see “Hulk.” I decided hitting him in the face with a steel folding chair wouldn't be the appropriate response to his choice so I went with it.

To say my expectations going in were low would be a mild but accurate way to put it. And as such my expectations were met. There was some decent enough action, a little story. I was glad that it wasn't a complete origin story, so at least it didn't make Lee's film completely irrelevant. The casting was good enough, though I really really wish that we could have had more time with Tim Roth as a human, or a super human before they made him a CGI abomination (there is a pun there if you choose to fish it out).

I think the biggest crime the movie had for me was that it just left me feeling like all I had seen was another big actiony summer flick instead of a movie that was part of a world that is larger than that. Which is what Marvel is obviously going for. I mean there were some references to the “universe” in there, the main ones being the S.H.I.E.L.D. Computers, and of course the ending cameo by Robert Downy Jr. Who completely stole the movie by the way. But other than that there wasn't much.

Oh, and the final fight between The Hulk, and The Abomination looked almost as realistic as some of the cut scenes you get on your average Xbox 360 game nowadays. Seriously I laughed.

All in all I'd say rent this when it comes out on DVD or if you have the means Blu-Ray. With the exception of the end fights the CGI is relatively well done and the action is OK. The story is workable, though I still feel that it would have served the movie better to be connected more with both the Ang Lee “Hulk” and “Iron Man” but we can't have it all can we? Let's just pray that “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” takes more after “Iron Man.”


The Ring (second viewing)
Originally I hated this movie. I considered it a huge disappointment. See when I was going to ITT we talked a lot about movies (gotta do something to avoid classwork right?) and someone whose movie taste I really trusted told me I needed to watch this “It'll scare the shit out of you...literally” he said. Now at that point I'd seen some scary movies, but none of them had required a change of pants afterwards so I was intrigued.

Netflix was contacted, the movie was sent and then the movie was watched. The next day I went back to class and had to ask my friend which part of the movie was supposed to do the damage. He seemed both baffled and flabbergasted at my dislike of the movie.

Cut to a few years later and I see the Internet's Final Girl Stacie Ponder making goo-goo eyes all over “The Ring.” So again someone whose judgment I totally trust is loving on this flick. So with a little coaxing and realizing that I've been incorrect in the past I decided a round 2 was in order.

In fairness the first shake I gave “The Ring” was at about 3 in the afternoon, it was bright out, I was just out of class and my brain was probably still wound up from math or some such. Not necessarily ideal for a scary movie. This time I was relaxed, it was night, there was actually a nice rain going on outside. So the scene was set.

So was I wrong originally? I'd say yes and no. I will now admit that yes it is a good movie, and it'll suck you in more than you realize. Was there an unfortunate accident during the viewing, no. It wasn't that kind of movie.

The interesting thing about “The Ring” is that instead of the sudden big scares it relies pretty heavily on the long running slow creepy eerie scare that like I said just grabs a hold and you may not even realize it is affecting you. Trust me, it affects you. I found that out about 30 minutes into the movie (half past Midnight for me mind you) when My phone rang. Well OK that almost got the job done, I'm man enough to admit I jumped. Then I answered and cussed out my friend for calling so late and having such terrible timing....jerk.

The twisty type thing near the end would have been a lot more impact for me had I not known it was coming, still I was able to appreciate that it both made sense and fit in with the movie and didn't “break” anything. Which is always good of a twist.

I'd still probably just call this a rent, if only because I just don't know if the chills and eerie feelings would hold up to multiple views. But it definitely is a fun scary watch.


The Dark Knight
So umm yeah, stop reading what I'm saying here and go watch the damn thing yourself. If you've already seen it stop and go see it again!

Actually I will say a few short words on it. Everyone loves Bale as Batman, you can't argue with that. Ledger has been getting huge praise for his turn as The Joker. I agree with all said on that of course. Maggie Gyllenhaal's Rachel Dawes is also getting a lot of good attention, again I agree though I wish she would have had a bit more screen time. Lets face it, the movie is an acting powerhouse. But here is what bothers me. All of these great performances and yet I'm not seeing nearly enough praise going towards Gary Oldman, whose performance was subtle and brilliant. Gordon isn't and shouldn't be the focus of a Batman movie obviously, he is kind of an ancillary character. Still Oldman was able to deliver the goods. C'mon people, you know you loved him so come out and say it already!

Yeah I'm going to go ahead and just say as soon as possible pre-order this one. I know it will be in my collection ASAP. Though before that go see it in the theaters again. I'm hoping I can catch it in IMAX since I was unable to on opening night.

Next on my list is possibly “The X-Files: I Want To Believe” though after reading some unflattering reviews that seem to confirm my fears I am really worried...


So there you have it, some movie talk, nuts as it may have been.

FGFC: Lifeforce, better late than never?

So I'm late, well I'm always late but this time I'm later than usual. But what are you gonna do, sue me?

So it is time once again for the FGFC This month the coo coo nutsos ran the asylum and Stacie allowed a vote to choose the movie. That vote lead us to “Lifeforce.” A sci-fi/horror, (or is it horror/sci-fi?) flick directed Tobe Hooper out of 1985. The movie is based off of the book based on the book “The Space Vampires” by Colin Wilson, a book that based on it's title I find annoying that I had never heard of. Time to head to the used book store!

So I went into this movie as usual knowing extremely little. In fact really all I knew was the description Stacie gave during the voting process (a new and scary, but cool, addition to the film club. Now we can only blame ourselves?). Research, whats that? So basically I went in knowing only that it was a Tobe Hooper directed flick, and at some point some naked life sucking space vampires would show up....Ok that's not true, I did do a little research. I had to make sure the name Bea Arthur didn't appear anywhere on the cast list. But other than that I swear I went in knowing nothing.



On with the really big shoe

You know honestly I'm have no idea why but after multiple viewings this movie really just doesn't do much for me and

I really have no idea why. When I sit back and think about it I really should have loved the thing. First off it combined horror, and sci-fi two of my favorite genre's in any medium. That alone should have been enough to seal my love. So why didn't it? Seriously I'm asking because after 4 viewings (Yes 4 viewings!) It still isn't striking me strongly in any way.

It isn't poorly made. In fact in a way the effects really impressed me. I really liked the look of the dehydrated lifeforeceless victims. They had a fantastic creepiness about them, especially when animated, and those eyes. I really liked the practical effects. Even the light/energy stuff wasn't so bad, although the effect itself didn't make a whole lot of sense in a logical “what is that doing” sense. But then we are talking about space vampires no? The closest thing to an eh, maybe moment in the effects was the space “walk” moments where it was clearly a still image floating on a matt-painting. And yet even that wasn't terrible, they managed to get some depth out of it and the painting was top notch. Actually I take that back, there is one effect I didn't care for. The animated giant bat creature, I thought they looked cooler while inanimate.

The story, well maybe this is what does it. First I'll note that I've never read “The Space Vampires” so I don't know how true to the book it truly is. But to me it plays an awful lot like a movie that was directly adapted from the pages of a book. Most people think that is what they want. I always maintain that movies and cinema are two completely separate mediums and direct translations rarely work. People get hung up on changes, but they simply are needed. Need proof see the Lord of the Rings trilogy, in fact watch it with director/writer commentary they talk a lot about changes being needed and people love those movies (and by people I of course mean me). So from the beginning it plays a lot like a book on film, from the John Larroquette exposition at the beginning spelling out the happenings to the order in which things are happening. Even the twist at the end was dulled for me by the manner in which the foreshadowing, the verbal queues would work in a book but on film there are better more subtle ways.

There were things I did like storywise though. The misdirection sending them to Yorkshire, the stuff in the asylum that was good. The retconning of the entire vampire mythos was kind of cool. The idea of a vampire plague and the energy being sent to the shop was a really cool sci-fi meets classical horror type convergence.

See like I say, some complaints but nothing overwhelming. Yet somehow I just couldn't feel Lifeforce. And that is saying something I mean c'mon....Naked vampire aliens from space, Patrick Stewart getting lip locked by a another man, bodies that explode into dust, zombiefied plague victims going all hungry vampire zombie all over London, freaking naked vampire aliens from space (did I mention those?).

My final conclusion.....My brain effing hates me and wishes to drive me insane.



Also I'm not so sure that the female naked vampire alien from space wasn't actually a Sith. When she was escaping the research center it looked an awful lot like she was using, Force Lightning, Force Choke, and Force Push. Go ahead and rewatch, you'll see. She was full of the dark side!

Abridged Review Part Deux (The Quickening): Cloverfield

Ok so it has been a little while and I've thought about it and yes; while I still think the Spinal Tap inspired review of “Cloverfield” was both accurate and hilarious (at least to me) I also feel I should back the opinion up. At least a little.

So what killed “Cloverfield?” Very simply the first 20 minutes. Look I'm all for rocking the boat, breaking the rules, bucking authority and what have you. But only to a point. One of the main rules of movie making is, Don't be boring! Especially don't start out boring. Hell Trey Parker even mentioned something to that effect in the commentary on “Cannibal: The Musical”

The first 20 or so minutes of “Cloverfield” were just mind numbingly boring. Get this straight buster, those crappy home movies, nobody likes them, nobody watches them. Not even the people in them, or whom they were for. Nobody. So doing one seriously in a movie to help us get to acquaint us with the characters just doesn't work. It certainly doesn't work when it goes on and on for nearly a half an hour with NOTHING happening.

Lets not forget this is a monster movie right? So over 20 minutes in and no monster? Well that has happened before, but usually you would be explaining where the thing came from. But that wasn't this movies point or MO which is fine, in fact it was one of the selling points that got me interested. Who cares where the thing came from it is causing carnage and that sounds like fun to watch.

Instead of getting to the action quick the explaining time was replaced with drivel. We found out that Marky got with Sharon and Sharon got Sharice. She was sharing Sharon's outlook on the topic of disease. Mikey had a facial scar and Bobby was a racist. They were all in.....Wait, that can't be right it's too entertaining...But it was something similar to that. We got a home movie a boring boring home movie.

You may notice I haven't focused on any other problems with the movie that happened later on. Good eye. That's because the first 20 got me so disinterested and angry that I never recovered. The rest of the movie was competent but not mind blowing. Some things were good, top notch effects, decent city decimation etc... But some things weren't so great, the in joke with the cameraman's name being “Hud” ceased being funny 42 seconds quicker than immediately, the little parasites scurrying around were kind of weak, and frankly a lot of the reactions this group were having just weren't believable.

Most of the errors could have been easily forgiven had it not been for the tortuously dull beginning.

In the end “Cloverfield” did something that even the worst of the worst movies are rarely able to do to me. It made me angry because I was so let down.

I still remain optimistic but now a bit skeptical of what Abrams is going to do with the “Star Trek” reboot.

Don't hurt me again J.J. Next time I'll send a friend of mine to have a few words with you...


Can I get a Hell yeah?

Askewed Review: Wrestlemaniac

Have you ever heard about something that you were extremely excited for? Yeah that was me with "Wrestlemaniac." Seriously how could this movie lose? Here is the Netflix description that hooked me.

"Director Alphonse (Adam Huss) makes a big mistake when he decides to shoot his film in a remote Mexican ghost town. Turns out, the town is the lair of the legendary El Mascarado (Rey Misterio Sr.) -- a deranged wrestler who begins to kill off cast and crew in bloody death matches. One by one, El Mascarado stalks, captures and attacks his victims, as the remaining members of the group try to find a way to stop the killing spree."

How could I not be drawn to this? It brings together wrestling and horror. It seems a concept that was crafted specifically with me in mind. So I did my part I added the movie to my queue put it up top and waited. Once the movie came though I was reluctant to watch it. The wait had given me time to think, could the movie be pulled off? So on the shelf it sat... on the shelf it should have stayed...

Had the movie been the one that had been oh so eloquently described by Netflix been the one that I watched I would have been happy. Unfortunately it wasn't. Sure they had the title and the actors correct, but after that it kind of fell apart.


The Basics-ish
On their way to Cabo San Lucas a porn film crew gets lost. Low on gas they have no choice but to make their way back towards civilization by way of a road which will take them through La Sangre de Dios, a ghost town said to be haunted by a demonic masked wrestler known as El Mascarado (Rey Misterio Sr.). The intention of driving right past the town without stopping is thwarted by a giant rock (or is it a small boulder?) in the middle of the road which driver/porn director/porn actor? Alphonse (Adam Huss) manages to not see until it is too late.

So the crew pulls up to the town to have a look around. Alphonse decides that the town would make an excellent setting for their little film so he has cameraman Steve (Jeremy Radin) start filming as Dallas (Leyla Milani of WWE Diva Search and Deal or No Deal fame) and Debbie (Margaret Scarborough) start up what has to be one of the least sexy sex scenes ever. Things take a turn for the worse when Alphonse himself joins in the scene along with the up until this point drunkenly passed out Daisy (Catherine Wreford). Thankfully the "sex scene" doesn't last long as Daisy gets sick and runs out the door to find a private place to get killedsick, I too considered hurling at this point.

The resident stoner tagalong Jimbo (Zack Bennett) goes looking for Daisy, he thinks she has his weed. Jimbo then becomes the first victim we see being taken out by El Mascarado. The others discover Jimbo's body sans face and soon enough find themselves being chased by El Mascarado.

Alphonse being the fine upstanding man that he is locks himself in a church, locking everyone else outside with the masked one. He didn't anticipate the back way in and finds himself going one on one. During the "fight" Mascarado is barely seen, but Alphonse is seen flying into every breakable wooden object in sight, he then shoved neck first into a protruding nail. Not dead yet he manages to sneak away to hide in the graveyard outside, which is where El Mascarado finds him and rips his face off.

While looking for a hiding place Steve and Debbie run into some old audio reels that sheds some light on Mascarado's past. They are in Spanish so Steve only barely understands them, something about multiple lobotomies and cuatro latero (I apologize for my terrible Spanish spelling)... They scurry on and find what must be Mascarado's personal room. The ripped off faces are displayed on the walls much as wrestler's masks might be, and the room has four barrels in a square with a rope loosely draped around it. It snaps with steve "Cuatro latero" a ring, he is following Mexican wrestling rules! So when he defeats his opponent he de-masks/faces them. All they need to do to stop him is remove his mask.

The celebration of this epiphany is short lived when El Mascarado shows up. Steve man's up, puts on his own mask and attempts to "wrestle" Mascarado in the makeshift ring. It doesn't go so well and we hear him getting knocked around fairly violently. While is being a distraction Debbie makes an attempt to crawl out of the room only to be dragged back in and given a brutal looking back breaker(holy shit an actual wrestling move!?!).

Meanwhile Dallas, who has been up to this point oblivious to the happenings has been busy fixing the van. While looking for the group she finds the body of Daisy who we now learn was the first victim of Mascarado. She then runs into Debbie and Steve's bodies. Ok well Steve is only mostly dead. Faceless he still manages to inform Dallas of his de-masking idea before kicking it.

Next up some more chasing and hiding which includes one of the most gratuitous hiding poses ever committed to film. Through the course of the hiding and chasing Dallas even finds herself having to hide in a barrel full of water, and then the poor thing has her pants ripped off by a car door. Fed up with running she decides to fight back. Once again finding herself in Mascarado's room she waits for him, as he enters she smacks him down with a board full of nails and impales him on a large metal pipe. Just as she is about to remove his mask he takes another swing at her. She counters by removing the car key that was jammed into his hand. The distracting pain gives her a chance to escape, not to the van though she instead runs into the church where she breaks down.

Next thing we see she is running out of the church screaming, which is actually the scene the movie started with, only this time we see the full scene. The scream goes on way too long and her running slows, then she looks down to see herself impaled on the metal pipe. Dallas falls to her knees dead, while El Mascarado makes off in the Van headed towards Sequelville population eh...probably nobody.


Thoughts
So in a movie lousy with potential what happened? Everything went just lousy.

As a horror movie it failed to be even remotely scary. There was some decent lore that could have been explored but instead it was just tossed out there. Told to us and not shown in any way. We don't even really find out if removing Mascarado's mask would in fact stop him. On top of that there is sort of two versions of the back story given in the movie. One early on when Alphonse and Steve are talking about La Sangra de Dios, and one later when Steve is listening to the tapes. I guess the point was that one was supposed to be fact and the other supposed to be a "legend" which would be fine except that the original and more fantastical version appears to be the case.

As a slasher movie it failed in that it really wasn't all that gory. There was blood thrown about quite a bit true enough, and a couple of de-facings. Though I wasn't as thrilled with that effect as apparently others were. For instance, wouldn't someone who had no face also have no lips? Then how did Steve still have them when he was telling Dallas about the mask? The nail through the neck was fairly gruesome though, so that is something. It didn't fail as miserably as a slasher as it did in other areas, but still.

As a horror movie surrounding a wrestler it completely failed. There was MAYBE 3 wrestling moves in the entire thing. The one actual "match" that took place in the movie took place behind a closed door so we only got to hear it and not see it. Really why did they bother to get Rey Misterio Sr. for the part at all? His abilities were wasted. In case you didn't know Rey Misterio Sr. is an actual Mexican professional wrestler and the uncle of Rey Mysterio/Rey Misterio Jr. the former ECW and WCW and current WWE wrestler.

Hell lets go the whole nine. This wouldn't have saved the movie for me anyway but the movie even failed at being a flesh fest. Which being that it was about a porn film crew seemed obvious.

This movie could have been great, it really could have but instead it turned into a "horror by numbers" that just seemed lacking in almost every conceivable way to me.

Even the name "Wrestlemaniac" isn't ideal. Not when you consider the other two names that the movie has gone under; "El Mascarado Massacre," and my favorite "The Mexican Porn Massacre."

I was so disappointed that I even found myself getting angry at the small things that normally wouldn't have bothered me. For instance, if the Doctors in the past had given Masarado several lobotomies to curb his violent ways wouldn't that have meant that they removed his mask thus ending his reign of terror? Also Steve translates "La Sangre de Dios" as "The Blood of Jesus." But I'm fairly sure that it actually would be "The Blood of God." Now if the town had been called "La Sangre de Jesús"....


Or maybe I'm just getting too cranky?



that's what I thought....

FGFC: "Near Dark"

I think we are all hip to what time it is now right? You remember, the FGFC brought to us by the always awesome Stacie Ponder from Final Girl fame. So the chosen one this month was "Near Dark." A bold choice for Stacie to be sure, what with nearly half the cast being fresh off the set of "Aliens" and thus could potentially still have smelled of Reiser. Well gambled Stacie, well gambled indeed.


The basics
Nathan Petrelli Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) is a rowdy country youth who one night happens across Mae (Jenny Wright) at a gas station. Being a red blooded young male Caleb decides to chat Mae up a bit, ya know ask for a taste of her ice cream cone (literally). One thing leads to another and the two go for a nighttime drive. Just when things start to heat up a bit Mae realizes that it is getting early, she demands that Caleb take her home. Well he doesn't know she's a vampire so he kind of tries to dissuade her from leaving. This earns him a bite, after which Mae hops out of the car and scurries off leaving Caleb to start turning (and burning!) on his own.

As Caleb is slowly making his way home, his little sister Sarah and their dad Loy notice him and his smokiness just in time for a mysterious black van to speed up on him and swoop him away. Turns out the van belongs to the group of vampires that Mae belongs to. Caleb meets his new "family" under imperfect circumstances, the crazy one of the group Severen (Bill Paxton) would very much like to remove his Caleb's head from his body, and nobody else seems to think that such a bad idea. Save for Mae who claims him and promises to teach him their ways.

Caleb is having issues with his new life, he doesn't want to kill, maybe he can't. Even with Mae's help he isn't able. The group has two choices at this point. Kill him, or help him. Fun loving lot that they are they decide to stage a little fun in Caleb's honor. They take him to a little country bar for a few drinks and a little slaughter, not necessarily in that order. Caleb learns that he has some pretty amazing strength, that bullets don't kill him, and that yep he can't kill. Still before he learned that he didn't stop everyone else from having their mayhem.

Unfortunately the one that Caleb let get away went straight to the cops (a little murder and he goes tattling) so their daytime slumber is interrupted by a gunfight. The sun being problematic they aren't doing so hot so Caleb grabs the van keys a blanket and hurls himself out the window and makes a break for it. Once in the safety of a new motel later that night it seems as if Caleb is being somewhat forgiven if not accepted for his bravery. That is until the resident child sized vampire Homer is out for a smoke when he comes across Sarah, Caleb's little sister, who is traveling with her dad tracking Caleb down as they don't know why he disappeared.

Homer takes a liking to Sarah. Once Caleb finds out about it things take a turn. Loy, their dad is brought to the room with the idea that these people tracking them must be eliminated. Not if Caleb has his way! Some gunshots and fighting ensue, Caleb gets Loy and Sarah and they bolt. Caleb really can't explain what has happened easily, but he demands that Loy not take him to a hospital. Instead he has the idea to try a little blood transfusion to see about curing his newly acquired thirst. Which it does.

The next night Mae comes to Caleb. Clearly the clever hiding place of their house didn't work! Mae seemingly just wants to see Caleb, but while they are busy making out Sarah is busy being kidnapped. Once he realizes what is up Caleb makes his pursuit, on horseback no less (which ended up making a really cool image).

On the way to Sarah Caleb runs into and has a tussle with Severen, who is angry over the betrayal. The fight eventually leads Caleb into a semi-truck which he uses to try and run over Severen. The plan doesn't work out as he only gets hurt and is left clinging to the hood of the truck taunting Caleb and punching his way into the hood to rip things apart. Caleb jackknifes the truck, jumping out just before it and the still attached Severen explodes. One down!

Before Jesse and Diamondback get a chance to finish Caleb off in retaliation day starts breaking. They have to retreat to the car along with Mae, Homer, and the still captured Sarah to stay out of the sun. Homer still has plans to turn Sarah but Mae has other intentions. She grabs Sarah and jumps out of the back window into the sun running Sarah towards Caleb who meets them and saves Mae with his coat. Homer, distraught over the loss of his new infatuation jumps out to make chase. Unfortunately for him He had nothing to shade him from the sun and before he can make much of a chase he succumbs to the burning and explodes. Two down!

Knowing that they have nothing left Jesse and Diamondback turn around yet again and make a last ditch effort to run down the three annoyances. Their plan never takes hold as the sun gets them as well and they lose control of the car just before, yep, they both explode. Three and four down!

Caleb takes Mae back home, works the transfusion magics on her and the two, so it seems live happily ever after.


Thoughts, both good and bad
So for me this was a strange watch. I know this will come out strange but throughout both viewings of the movie I kept having the same thought. And I very well could be completely off base and/or off my rocker here but. What really classifies this as a horror movie? I mean other than the vampires, which yeah I admit that is a big hurdle but still. The vampire lore was more of a backdrop I felt for a movie that to me played almost more like a drama/action/comedy and of course modern western. It just happened to have vampires in it. I've noticed this in the past with other vampire movies and TV shows as well, most of which admittedly were made after "Near Dark" so take that for what you will..

Mind you I'm not complaining about the movie. In fact I believe that "Near Dark" blended those genre's quite well and did so without the hokeyness that it could have fallen into. What I'm getting at here is that to me it almost seems as if vampire flicks, at least this kind of them, have almost moved out of the horror genre and created a new one of their own, or at least some sort of strange multi-sub genre.

So on this new standard that I may or may not have just created where does "Near Dark" fall for me? It's gotta be near the top. What the movie lacked in scary (again as I see it) it certainly didn't lack in intensity. Hell Bill Paxton's Severen had the intensity quota filled all by his excellently obnoxious self.

The writing and storytelling for the most part were actually a lot tighter than I expected. It's the small things that I liked such. Severen's line "Cut the shit. I know you're awake. I can smell it." for instance, a small thing that said a few things. It let us know an ability that this flavor of vampire has, also it spoke to the nature of his character. As did the moment with the spur. Jesse and Diamondback's mannerisms alone let you know where they stood. While I'm on that subject, Lance Henriksen was fantastic as Jesse.



But it wasn't all great. A few small things kind of got to me. The first one was Homer (Joshua Miller), pun not intended but not rejected either! Seriously what was up with him? One of his first lines was about being a "big man in a little body" and then Jesse throughout referred to him as "old man" he even smoked and played cards as if he were indeed an adult in a kids body. But then inexplicably other times (in private, not in public for show) he acted as the child. That is really why the child turned into a vampire doesn't really work for me almost ever, they are a recipe for plot holes or confusion. Also Homer's dialog was, well, lame. "The name's Homer. H-O-M-E-R. Mispronounce it... and I wouldn't... wanna... be you." Really? Thats all ya got little guy? Well ok then.

Then again at least H-O-M-E-R (Hey apparently thats how he wants it said) got some lines. Diamondback (Janette Goldstein) barely said a thing. Mostly she just clung to Jesse. Though she did have the most awesome hair in the entire movie, and she was wielded that knife pretty in the bar scene. Still it seemed like a waste of some good talent.

By the way. If you want to see a slightly less entertaining version of pretty much that exact same bar scene, go watch "The Thirst." But then, why would you want to see the less entertaining?...


Final Though
Bottom line. "Near Dark" was a lot of fun, if you haven't seen it I think you really should. Odds are you have seen something influenced by this and odds are they weren't as good.

Also ya know, just two more small facts. #1 as previously mentioned, No Reiser! And #2 as you may have noticed almost everyone blows up!

P.S.
We like the boom!



(no, I'm...I'm not sure why)

(almost) Abridged Review: "The Thirst" (2006)

So what do we have here. The first thing to note is the "The" in the title as there is a movie out there just called "Thirst" which is definitely not this movie. There is also trickily enough another movie out there by the name of "The Thirst" and that one too is about vampires. So to clarify, the one I am speaking of here was directed by Jeremy Kasten, and starred Matt Keeslar, Clare Kramer, and Jeremy Sisto, among others. Netflix and most other places also say that is co-stars Adam Baldwin, but I don't know if I would go so far as to say "co-stars" so much as maybe features him.

2 short 2 basic
Recovering addict girl and recovering addict guy are in love, girl hides terminal cancer from boy who mistakes her symptoms for possible relapse. Vampire finds girl in hospital, turns her. Girl has guy come see her in hospital after, tells him about her cancer has fight with him goes home alone and fakes her death. Guy goes all depressed locks himself up in house until friends convince him he needs to go out. At the club guy thinks he sees girl dancing, tries to catch her but can't. Obsession starts, guy tries to get to bottom of things ends up finding girl at club again (after having been arrested for trying to dig up her grave) just in time for a big vampire raid on the bar. Girl barely gets guy out and tells him to live his life. Guy follows girl home, meets the vamp family and is given the choice of death or joining. Oh he's in!

Turns out girls not so good a vampire, but guy is. Also turns out that blood is like a drug and as an ex addict he just can't get enough. Girl convinces guy that the right thing to do is give up the blood, hey he is supposed to be a recovering addict right? The vamps try to find them, fights ensue yadda yadda. You get the point right?


thoughts

So there actually is some kind of interesting things that could go on here. I really like the idea of blood being more like a drug and an addict getting his "high" from it and not being able to control the urge. That throws an intriguing dynamic in there, especially with a recovering addict who needs the blood to survive, but can't have it if he wants to have self control. There is also some bits in there where Maxx and Lisa ("guy" and "girl" respectively) go cold turkey on the blood which leads to some schizophrenic scenes of them locking themselves in their apartment and going through withdrawals of all kinds. Actually I was semi reminded of "Bug" by some of the scenes, but then that didn't work in the favor of "The Thirst" since I then realized how much better a movie "Bug" was.

As far as the regular vampire stuff goes in this one, it was a whole lot of been there done that, and I said that even before I had watched "Near Dark." Which as it turns out was more than just a little influence on this flick, I mean there was even a bar room massacre that was just a little too similar for me to call it a pure homage, though I have no doubt that is the spirit that it was intended with.

I mentioned earlier the "Near Dark" connection, as it turns out the publicity for the movie states that it was something akin to "Requiem for a Dream" meets "Near Dark." As you can see that is a pretty accurate description. Even if it doesn't have the impact of either of those other two. Man did "Requiem" fuck with my head when I saw it for the first time!

So what was wrong? I think it just came down to strange direction. I brought up the directors name earlier purposely, why? Because when I looked it up I was shocked that only one man got credit when it looked like at least 2 to 3 people were doing the directing. It was very scattered both pacing and visually.

A lot of the dialog was cheesy, as were the effects. Now for me that wouldn't be a problem if I could tell in some way if it was intentional or not. I didn't sense that the actors were going all "Big Trouble in Little China" with their performances, but at the same we got the cheesy super blood pressure spray from the wounds.

in conclusion

The movie just confused me when it shouldn't, bored me more than it should have, and generally was a disappointment. With Jeremy Sisto and Adam Baldwin involved especially I had hoped to enjoy this a lot more. But in the end I would say that my time would have been happier spent if I'd of just watched "Requiem for a Dream" and then "Near Dark." ..Though after reminiscing during writing all of this I have realized that "The Thirst" would possibly be a good time with a few friends and a lot of sarcastic comments.

FGFC: Scarecrows

Here we go again! This time 'round Stacie has chosen "Scarecrows" as the FGFC pick. "Scarecrows" is a flick from '88 and as we know I'm all about trying to reclaim the 80's. Other than the year I wasn't actually sure how excited I was about the flick though, I've never seen an actual scarecrow flick before. Though as I understand it there is at least a bit of a sub genre dedicated to them so I was hopeful going in. Plus ya know it does have an awesome tag line "They Only Want A Brain ... Yours.


The Basics: Extended Edition

A small but greedy paramilitary group has robbed a military base and walked away with 3.5 million dollars, a hefty sum! Actually they didn't walk away they flew away with the help of a pilot and his daughter whom they have kidnapped. Things were going pretty smoothly until one of the group, Bert (B.J. Turner), decides that $3.5 split amongst the group was good, but $3.5 split one way was better (math!). So he set a little smoke bomb, tossed a grenade (which blew up awesome by the way), and parachuted out with the cash. A logical if not well thought out plan if you ask me.

So Bert makes his landing, in a tree first then onto the ground. He stands up, gets his orientation about him and goes off to find where the money landed, but not before getting a bit of a jump when he turns to see up on a cross a big ugly scarecrow! As Bert walks off we hear that the Scarecrow can mimic peoples voices. Meanwhile back on the plane the group is trying to find out where Bert is headed with their ill gotten booty when they notice and start heading towards a house in the area. A couple of them parachute out to follow Bert while the plane makes a few rounds to keep track of him and then finds a field to make a landing.

Bert makes it to the house, gets the key to the truck outside, confederate front plate and all, and heads out to snag the cash and make an escape. He also runs over a scarecrow. Soon enough the truck stops working and Bert heads out on his own dragging the money with him. All the while he has his headset on so the rest of the team can sass him while he escapes...or is it the team? Starting freak out Bert takes off leaving most of the money behind he runs into a grouping of scarecrows up on their crosses and really gets scared he even goes so far as to try and give the money back (he thinks that Curry (Michael David Simms) and Jack (Richard Vidan) from the group have him surrounded). And then it happens, a real live (or at least animated) scarecrow jumps out and thrusts it's hand into berts stomach killing him.

Not knowing that Bert is dead the rest of the team from the plane heads out towards the house to meet up with the members currently there, leaving behind only the pilot, the apparent leader, Roxanne (Kristina Sanborn), even takes Kellie (Victoria Christian) the pilots daughter with them (so he won't bolt on them). By searching the house they realize that the people who lived there previously were weird, "into devil worship or somethin'!"

Of course as soon as everybody is out of sight the pilot takes off on his own only to be fooled and taken out by the scarecrows fairly quickly.

Back to our group out looking for Bert, they find his parachute up in a tree looking as if it is holding something. Jack reluctantly climbs the tree to cut it open but when he does poor Curry standing below is covered in the blood that was inside. While they are on their way back Bert suddenly appears at the house startling Roxanne.

So they are administering a good old fashioned beating to Bert. All they want to know is where the money is but he ain't talkin! Curry gets a little angry, rips open Bert's shirt revealing the wound that his insides were removed from which is now stuffed with straw and cash. Bert isn't happy about the reveal and starts fighting back, strongly not even gunshots at point blank range stop him. Luckily Corbin figures out that decapitation and dismemberment will slow him down a bit!

While everyone is busy realizing that the money stuffed inside of Bert wasn't the entire amount Kellie is busy attempting to escape. She may have gotten away if she hadn't of been distracted by the sight of her father dead and strung up like a scarecrow, this gives Corbin time to catch her and bring her back.

They notice out the window that it looks like the wind has blown some money out that they can claim. Well to them it looks like the wind blew it out, to me it looks an awful lot like a trail was left. A trail to death!

While picking up this trail wind blown miracle Jack finds his missing harmonica (he'd been missing it ever so) unfortunately the reunion wasn't long lived as the money does in fact lead to death as another scarecrow knocks Jack out and chops his hand off placing it upon it's own wrist. The Jack wristed scarecrow then chases after a very unhappy Curry who makes a run for it and eventually makes his way back to the group to warn them.

Back in the house Curry loses his mind and refuses to leave, Roxanne is still concerned about collecting the cash, Corbin is worried, and Kellie doesn't think the things are after her. Eventually they agree to make a break for the plane all except for Curry who is going to stay behind because he believes Jack is fine and is headed back to them.

On the way back Roxanne is distracted by another line of money while Kellie is distracted by what she believes is the sound of her dog barking off in the distance somewhere. Roxanne is then further distracted by grisly death. Corbin convinces Kellie that there is no dog out here only the scarecrows messing with her head so off to the plane they run.

Corbin and Kellie are almost free when Corbin gets a knife to the leg. In a quite noble move for a killer/thief he tells Kellie to make a run for it and save her self which she almost does. But at the last minute she decides to try and be helpful for once, comes back, finds Corbin's very large gun and takes care of biddness.

While all of that is going on Curry, still at the house, hears the phone ringing. He answers to a heavy breather with a few uncomfortable words. A door swings open behind him revealing a burlap sack, inside is the still alive head of Bert! That was bad enough, but not nearly as bad as the surprise entering the house. It's Jack! Jack has definitely seen better days, but then again so has Curry seeing as how Jack knifes him (oops sorry about the pun). Then the old scarecrows all seem to go back to resting.

Kellie and Corbin are about to make their big escape, Kellie fires up the plane engines and starts takeoff while Corbin enjoys himself a cigar. Well he was enjoying it until the pilot, Kellie's dad, now a scarecrow himself shows up, attacks Corbin and starts making his way towards Kellie. A brief scuffle ensues, Kellie uses some tricky flying to keep her dad off balance long enough for Corbin to regain consciousness and fight back. He does so with a holy hand grenade* which requires that he also sacrifice himself. While Kellie looks on in horror. In the aftermath Kellie, in shock flies the plane on while her dog disturbingly goes into the back and snacks on the remains...


Thought

I mentioned in the past that my intention was to actually watch this one during my marathon on the 18th but I had to push it back. When I was going to watch it I realized being awake for nearly 48 hours really wasn't the optimal time to watch something I was going to have to write about, so I put it off. Plus I would have been putting it in directly after "The Haunting" (which fucking rocked!!) and I knew that there way no way it could hold up to that at all.

So like I said earlier I really wasn't sure what to expect going in, what I didn't expect was to very honestly not knowing exactly what to think as soon as the movie was over. There was a lot of campy coolness in there to be sure. At the same time there was some really confusing stuff.

I may be in the minority here but I was totally fine with the minimalist explanation of why the scarecrows existed. Just enough to understand and not enough to be convoluted

I really liked the idea during the first half of the movie where everyone was connected through the headsets so even when Bert was running around on his own there was commentary and interaction. I thought it worked really well especially as it mixed into the confusion with the messages from the scarecrows. That really made Bert's last moments much more intense.

One of the things that took me out of things a bit was the inconsistency of peoples moods. I suppose it could have been planned that way to show the severity of the situations but a lot of it just didn't make sense. A perfect example is when Kellie is brought back to the house after seeing her father she immediately attacks Roxanne and calls her a murderer and says that they all killed her father. Then in the next scene all of a sudden she is hugging Roxanne (her kidnapper) for comfort.

There were a few other small inconsistencies as well but most of them a lot smaller and less distracting so they are more nit picky than anything so they were easier to ignore. Except for another kind of annoying one that happened in the ending. First off I'll say that the ending to me was much better before the final radio narration. We didn't need as much closure as they gave us. Cutting away from Kellie and her feasting dog would have been a fantastically disturbing note to end on. Instead they told us exactly what happened, the plane landed and the first rescue party was mauled by the dog. Then they discovered Kellie strapped into her seat in shock. So...why didn't the dog attack Kellie? If the implication was that eating the dead scarecrow had somehow infected or maddened the dog why would he leave her be?


Verdict

I enjoyed my time with "Scarecrows." I really did, but not so much that I plan on going out of my way to spend more time with it. Though I really liked a lot of the concept behind it though so the sub-genre does intrigue me. And like I said there were things that I thought were really top notch, that headset idea really floored me.

We had our time and now we move on to bigger and better. It's not you Scarecrows, it's me.

Crap, now that I've mentioned it I really want to watch "The Haunting" again, I wish I hadn't returned it....



Oh well, until next time this is me saying Mahalo