FGFC: "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon"

Ah another month and another Final Girl Film Club review.

So...

What would you get if you put “Halloween” and “This Is Spinal Tap” in a blender and slapped the puree button¹ ? An ungodly mess of chopped up tape and plastic all over the place...you really need to remember to put the lid on those blenders. If instead you just took the ideas behind the two movies and mixed them together then you may end up with something resembling “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon.”

As is fast becoming my tradition with the FGFC selections I went into this one fairly blind. I read no reviews and only barely looked at the synopsis on Blockbuster's site as I added it to my queue....which by the way ended up being wasted effort as I couldn't get it sent, long wait they said! I think this is another tradition in the Film Club...tracking down a copy of the movie. Worry not though, two honest to god B&M Blockbuster visits later I had a copy of the movie in my hands. Let me just say that it was totally worth the effort.

¹ I'm sure that I am totally the first person ever to make that comparison...I'm so clever!

The Basics

Leslie Vernon (Nathan Baesel) is a man who takes pride in his chosen career. So much so that he allows a grad student, Taylor Gentry(Angela Goethals) and her documentary crew to follow him around as he makes the preparations and gets himself ready for his big night. This all seems normal and good until you take into account that Leslie Vernon's “Big Night” is all about him solidifying his status as a legend along the likes of , Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers.

Yep you heard me right, in a world where “Nightmare”, “Friday”, “Halloween”, etc... are real events Leslie wants to solidify his name and legend up on the list. Not only that but he also wants to show the world just how he achieves this massive accomplishment.

What works for me

How awesome is that? The flip side of a horror movie, screw following the victim around all they do is normal everyday thing until the action starts. This time we get to follow the killer around and see as he......does everyday things until the action starts. What?

All joking aside the idea is just fresh enough to work. Not only that but the movie is able to simultaneously pay homage and poke fun at slasher films (sometimes in the same breath) and do it in a respectful way, that makes me happy.

The pacing of the movie was done really well, about two thirds of the movie were spent in the “set-up” stage while the last third was spent playing out the actual execution (pun only semi-intended(unless it was hilarious, then it was totally intended(if it wasn't funny at least this set of multiple parentheses are(right?)))) of the plans.

Leslie himself was actually (for the most part) a likable character, which given the circumstances and his intentions is quite disturbing in itself. He came off as for the most part playful and happy, like anybody might be if they were doing their dream job and making their greatest wishes come true. He of course also had his dark side, his quirks, his eccentricities if you will. But really other than his ultimate goal of manslaughter(teenslaughter) on a grand scale he wasn't so terribly unusual.

Maybe it is just the fact that I recently have been going through a lot of very good classic slashers for the first time (Halloween, Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th Part 2, Last House on the Left, among others) but I really had a good time picking out all of the references that were all over the place. Let's not forget that there were some impressive cameos as well! In fact one of my favorite references was combined with an awesome cameo. That would be Zelda Rubinstein appearing as librarian Mrs. Collinwood(Last House on the Left reference of course). By the way if there is anyone out there who doesn't enjoy a good Zelda Rubinstein cameo please let me know who you are so I can make sure that you get a punch in the crunch(I'm not sure where “the crunch” is, but I'm sure it is painful).

Speaking of Cameo's how great was it to see both Freddy and Jason in a movie together again? Even if they didn't share any screen time, and one of them was only fleeting...still, cool!

Lastly and most importantly. Any movie that is in any way, shape, or form made in, around, or about Oregon is automatically 3.141592653% more awesome.

Final Thoughts

Final thoughts? As I said I really dug this movie, I've recommended it to my horror loving friends already. But still every rose has it's ...not so rose-like side to it and as such “Behind the Mask” wasn't perfect.

I would have liked some more time with Doc Halloran, he could have been a more major player with a much better background if they had found the time to squeeze it in. Plus honestly, how great would it be to see Robert Englund take a more active role in fighting off a psychopath?

While I'm complaining about characters..and be careful here cause so far I haven't been very spoilerish, but I might tread on that water here. Early on Taylor confused me a bit, I could never tell if she was morally ambiguous(like many of todays “infotainment” reporters seem to be) or just naive. One minute while interviewing Leslie she seems to be appalled at his murderous plans, the next she is running out to the library parking lot and jumping for joy with him because his plan of killing the librarian not only went ahead as planned but netted him his “Ahab”. Which is it? Are you sickened by the death, or does it thrill you? ...Why was Killing Mrs. Collinwood ok but killing two coital teenagers is crossing a line?

The twist ending was obvious, but pulled off well. When I think about it actually I realize that without the twist the ending would have been really boring. I mean we had already seen hims “plans” in a flash forward sense, so something had to be changed....Still, a little bit more effort to hide what the plans were at least during the beginning would have been fine with me.

In the end the only real complaint I can make. The only thing that truly irked and bothered me to the core of my soul is Leslie's insistence on using the term “Survivor Girl.” While that term may or may not be industry correct I think we all know the truth. The term is “Final Girl” dammit!

Friday the whatnow?

Before I go any further I would like to mention I had originally intended to get this done and up by the actual Friday the 13th so I could participate in the awesome Final Girl Friday the 13th Blog-a-Thon. Unfortunately due to a series of unfortunate incidents (probably not involving Jim Carrey) I wasn't able to make deadline...

That doesn't mean I'm just going to roll over and be silent. In fact this is going to be quite rant-ish! You see I watched “Friday the 13th” for the first time last week. Yep I said first time. Some day maybe I'll tell you about how I was tortured with horror movies when I was younger and so only now in my 26th year of life have I seen both “Halloween” and “Friday the 13th” for the first time....I still haven't watched “A Nightmare on Elm Street”.

So, onto “Friday.” I'm skipping my regular(boring) semi-review, we all know whats up here. Bad stuff happened at a camp a long time ago, camp is about to reopen, bad stuff happens again, yadda yadda yadda. Right? ...Though if I were doing my review I would mention how I was very pleasantly surprised that this was a “Holy shit there is a psycho killing people” movie instead of a “Holy shit there is a supernatural psycho killing people” movie.

Instead I am just going to point out the one scene that blew my mind in a bad way¹....

Picture it, you are in a cabin on a dark rainy night with nothing to do, it is decided a game is to be played, someone grabs Monopoly and hauls it over. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere Alice exclaims “I hate Monopoly”....Really Alice, hate? You hate Monopoly? Are you even an American...no screw that are you even a human? Hate Monopoly??? Do you hate the flag and puppies as well? I suppose you stomp kittens in your spare time as well? I assume you have plenty of spare time, what with your “hate” of Monopoly! ....I'll be honest, I can't wait until I get Friday the 13th part 2 in the mail now just because I KNOW that Alice and her Monopoly hating days must come to an unpleasant end.

...But lets not dwell on the girl who didn't die, lets focus on one that did(and probably deserved it as you will see). Ok, back to this “Strip Monopoly” game they are playing. First off, I'd like to know who set up the rates because if landing on a freshly bought Baltic require the loss of a shoe what happens with a hotel laden Boardwalk? My guess is some sort of ritual sex act...

Anywhoozle back to Brenda. At first during this scene I thought I was going to end up liking her, I mean after all she wanted to play Monopoly (See that Alice, she knows what is good!), in fact she even made up Strip Monopoly which combines two very fine past times(though not very well as I mentioned above). So what happened that made me turn on Brenda as quick as I did on that nutjob Alice? Well just take a gander at the posted picture.

See what the problem is? No? Let me help, after Brenda rolls the dice she exclaims “Double sixes, I get to go again” or something to that effect...Do you see the trouble now? Brenda is a filthy cheat and a liar, just take a look at the blown up version(I know it isn't as clear as I would have liked either) clearly you can see that the dice do now show a six and another six, they show a one and a two, yup good ol' Acey Ducey. So you see Brenda was a cheat and after that whatever she got she had coming to her!

But like I said, other than the one scene there I really enjoyed the movie. Especially since I suspect Beastie Boy involvement



¹ You should be able to tell this is pretty much completely tongue in cheek²

² But seriously..who hates Monopoly?

Final Girl Film Club: The Innocents (Askewed style)

I had it so totally planned out, I was going to get “The Innocents” in the mail quite early (almost immediately after the last Film Club review ) watch it and write down my thoughts and have everything wrapped up in a nice little bow safe and sound just waiting for the due date to spring forth.

Then I got the movie and watched it. I don't know what the reason was but on my first run through the movie I was heavily disappointed, it could have been my mood, it could have been the expectations I had for what I was going to see, it cold have been the great big glass of haterade that I had with lunch I just don't know. What I do know is that I saw it the first time and was demoralized, the motivation that I had felt to write something up and get it ready dwindled to almost non existence. I struggled to put words down. So I took a break and moved on to some other movies.

One of those movies was “Wrong Turn” another movie for which I had really high hopes upon my first viewing (a few years ago) but was ultimately disappointed by. The only reason I gave it another shot was because Stacie demanded it (by demanded I of course mean gently urged(by gently urged I mean subliminally implanted the command into my brain(Woof!*))). As it turned out I no longer agreed with my first thoughts on “Wrong Turn” Though it is not my favorite movie of all times, I still have some issues with it...I mean come on you you hired Eliza Dushku for a reason give the poor girl something amazing to do!..but I digress. The point is when I started thinking about finishing up what I had written about “The Innocents” I realized that maybe I was quick to condemn it.

It was decided (by me) that I needed to watch it again. Sadly I had already packed it back up and shipped it on it's merry way so the second viewing would have to wait until the magical mail gnomes saw fit to once again deliver DVD goodness to my doorstep. This is what took a large chunk of my time.

Once The movie arrived and I started watching it I caught myself really getting into it this time, enjoying it and noticing a lot more than I had the first time (in my original viewing it never even occurred to me that the haunting may actually not be real). At that point I really had no choice but to rewrite everything.

Also worth noting, while I write these things I usually scan through the movie so I can point out certain scenes more clearly and grab screen shots if I want. The first time I attempted to do it this time I ended up just watching the whole thing through a third time.


*I barked like a dog? What on Earth are you talking about, I did no such thing!

The Basics
When Miss Giddens (Deborah Kerr) takes on the position of governess for a young girl, Flora (Pamela Franklin) and her brother Miles (Martin Stephens) things start out quite well. She lives out on a country estate in England, a rather large and beautiful estate at that. The children seem quite well behaved. She even strikes up a fast friendship with longtime housekeeper Mrs. Grose (Megs Jenkins). Yes things seem to be going well indeed. Or are they?

Not long after Miss Giddens arrives she begins to believe that the spirits of the recently deceased governess, Miss Jessel (Clytie Jessop) and her lover, the valet Peter Quint (Peter Wyngard) are not only haunting Bly. But they are also attempting to poison and claim the souls of the children!

What worked for me
Normally here I like to pick out some scenes or dialog that really stands out to me and proclaims “Hey I'm awesome, remember me!” But I confess I am kind of at a loss this time. Not because there weren't any awesome scenes but because there were way to many. The entire movie had a very fluid feeling about it for me. But this would be even more boring than usual if I didn't try to come up with something and so we continue on.

There are things about the movie that I can point out. Things that all to often I tend to overlook or take for granted but this time really caught my eye.

The scenery is perfect; extremely lush beautiful countryside leading up to the estate, some great garden areas in the surrounding area some quite pleasant some downright creepy. That isn't even mentioning the house itself, you can definitely feel how large the place is, a vast amount of rooms each finding a way to invoke a different emotional response (even the creepy creepy hallway gets into the act).

If I mention the scenery I also must find time to mention the lighting. Would the hallway be half as creepy if it wasn't for the flickering candlelight keeping only the essentials visible? Probably not. Would the scene in which Miss Giddens sees Quint up on the tower been quite as intense if not for the blinding light pulsing in and out? I don't believe so.

The best thing about the movie for me though? The fact that it is never explained whether or not the haunting is real or if it is all nothing more than a very unfortunate figment of Miss Giddens imagination. In the end you get to believe whatever you want to believe.

A few tidbits I really enjoyed
Ok, so I decided there were a few scenes worth mentioning, leave it to me to contradict myself..I'll beat myself senseless later, but for now...

I really liked the entire opening scene/setup with The Uncle (Michael Redgrave). Very quickly it presented everything you needed to know. You learned that the children were orphaned, why The Uncle isn't taking care of them himself(I wouldn't either, them are some creepy kids), why they need a new governess, what is expected of her, what experience she has (or doesn't have), where she comes from(preachers daughter?...that explains a lot), that above all else she loves children (why doesn't she marry them then?....sorry). I also rather like the character of The Uncle. If nothing else he is honest.

Though most of the scary/creepy in the movie was in fact creeping (pun may or may not have been intended there) there is one scene that does stand out as unsettling. Miss Giddens decides that a quick game of hide and seek before bed would be ok for the children, when her turn to hide comes she masterfully decides to hide behind a closed curtain (because who would look behind there?) but as she shuts the curtain behind her outside Quint slowly steps up to the window staring directly at (or is it through?) her. It may not sound like much as I have typed it but the cold stare of Quint combined with the absolute shock/terror on Giddens' face make the the scene quite intense and very unsettling.

And what can I say about the ending? As I said it is up to your interpretation. In my eyes what happened was Miss Giddens' hallucinations lead her into a madness that ended up driving poor Flora insane and left Miles dead from fright/shock.

Askewed Review: "To Kill a Mockingbird"

I am on a never ending quest to repair the damage that my youth caused. Namely I am trying to play catch up and see all of the movies that I should have seen. After a suggestion (and some slight urging) I decided a good place to start would be “To Kill a Mockingbird”.

The Basics
Taking place in the 1930s In the small town of Maycomb Alabama a black man is accused of raping and beating a white woman. There is only one lawyer in town willing to take on the case, that man is Atticus Finch.

Atticus is a widowed father of two, his children Scout and her brother Jem spend their summers with their new friend Dill. They explore the town, play games, and discuss “Boo” Radley the local “madman” (at least according to town legend and Dill's Aunt). That is until the trial starts and the kids start to learn just how harsh and unfair the world around them can be.

What worked for me
One of the first things that came to my mind as soon as I was done watching the movie was that I couldn't actually classify it to just one genre. There are elements of a coming of age story, Scout, Jem, and Dill living, playing, and growing up in a small town. Then there are the some very suspenseful elements, the kids investigating “The Radley Place”. There is even a bit of family drama with Atticus doing what he can to raise his kids up correctly. Top that all off with a nice little chunk of courtroom drama and you stay may not have cracked more than just the surface of all that is going on!

My lord, has there ever, or can there ever be a man in the history of movies who is better than Atticus Finch? What a great character, a hero in the truest sense of the word. Win or lose what matters is he never compromised himself or his beliefs. Gregory Peck was really a highlight of the movie for me...Did I mention how great I think Atticus is?

The movie definitely takes its time getting where it is going. Even so there really isn't any dead moments, everything in the 2+ hours seems very deliberate. Even the few small tangents that are taken are well placed and help you really get to know and care about the characters and the situations that they are in.

Final Thoughts
The two paragraph “basics” story summary that I put up there honestly doesn't do the movie anything near justice. I intentionally chose to keep it short, had I let myself go I could have easily gone on and on and on (in fact in a first draft I did). That really wouldn't have served any good purpose, what I am hoping my briefness will achieve is to convince at least one person as I was convinced to rent “To Kill a Mockingbird” and be blown away (again just as I was) by it.

For what it is worth I have added this to my shortlist of movies to buy. I made the decision a few days after watching it when I realized how much I was thinking about it, multiple viewings I am sure will bring out new realizations and a new appreciation for the film. As I said there is a lot to absorb.

As I said this movie made me think a lot, especially about racism and injustice and what a truly messed up place this world has been (and can be) at times. The fate of Tom Robinson after the trial is heartbreaking, and Bob Ewell's attack on Jem and Scout is very disturbing. Of course the attack leads to the revelation of “Boo” Radley (a silent but still expressive and young Rober Duvall).

I like to add pictures and screen shots to my writings quite often, just to break things up a bit. This time I really want to bring attention to one of my favorite moments in TKaMB, the scene in the court room after the jury's decision came in. Even when the rest of the courtroom has cleared out the uppers section (the black section) waits for Atticus to leave, standing as he does so showing their respect for the man who fought for one of their own when nobody else would.

In summary (isn't it a little bit late for me to be summing things up?) I give “To Kill a Mockingbird” a surprising and mighty pollex up!

....now stop reading my tripe and go rent it for yourself!

Abridged Movie Review: Prince of Darkness

Time to try something new. Never let it be said that I'm not a joiner!

Over at Final Girl the awesome (yep I still use the word awesome) Stacie Ponder has a film club. This is my humble first attempt at joining in. Mainly I'm doing it because I don't want to be a pitied fool.

First thing is first. I had a really difficult time getting a hold of this movie. Like ridiculously difficult. So much so that I even eventually ventured into the small local library in town here to check their collection of DVDs to see if by chance they had it.... Of course they didn't and I'm pretty sure that my inquiries into a movie called “Prince of Darkness” made me a topic of discussion/worry at at least two or three of the local churches here in town. When I did end up with a copy of the movie I didn't have it long so I unfortunately was a little bit rushed while watching it. I'm hoping to grab myself a copy and revisit it soon and maybe update what I am about to say.

Anyways...

When I sat down to watch “Prince of Darkness” I only knew two things about it. First it is John Carpenter movie and second it is about some sort of “Prince” of Darkness”. So going in blind I really didn't know what to expect and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised...If “pleasantly” is an adjective that can be used when talking about this movie.

Whats that basics?
It seems that the Catholic Church has a secret, a secret that has been hiding for many years in the basement of an old abandoned church. The death of a priest brings a key and diary into the possession Father Loomis (Donald Pleasence) who soon after discovers the church, the basement, and the giant cylinder full of some pretty nasty looking green goo.

Father Loomis consults with a professor (Victor Wong) and it is decided that they along with a few select students will set up shop in the church to decipher just exactly what all is going on here. Naturally once they all get settled in it doesn't take long for things to go wrong... Fatally wrong!

So what works about this movie for me?
Well for starters Carpenter did an awesome job of making with the creepy. Seriously, it is like he reached into his brain and used every disturbing image he could pull out. An old dimly lit church (by the way the lighting was spot on perfect for the mood), evil insects, strange dreams, a murderous Alice Cooper, the list could go on and on!

I may lose man points for this but I swear if I glance up and notice that the window is filling up with worms I'm gone!

I really liked that it was such a slow burn and took the time that was needed. That is something I think a lot of movies recently have been missing. Having that “I wonder what will happen next?” feeling is a lot easier when you have actual time to wonder. Though with all the time that they had I do wish they would have explored a few things a little more fully, the dream/message for instance. To me the reoccurring nature of the dreams and the explanation seemed a bit rushed. I am glad it was included, it played a major role in what I thought was a really good way to end things.

"Prince of Darkness" has a little something for everyone at one point or another. Religious thriller, a bit of science fiction, zombie like minions, killer bugs, some humor, a little romance, and just about the best mustache that has ever been committed to film.

My personal kudos go out to Jameson Parker for having the ability to sport such a masterpiece! I wish I knew his secret.

Nowhere near Abridged Movie Review Recap

I'm just going to come out and say it. When I was somewhere between 12 and 14 years old director Fred Olen Ray mind fucked me. He mind fucked me hard.

So I've always had this little thing I like to call insomnia. What that means now is that I am able to sit up and go through blogs all night while occasionally committing my own incoherent thoughts to writing. What it meant when I was younger was that I could stay up all night long and watch any interesting movies that I found.

Well one night I was going through the premium channel listings and I found one that said something along the lines of. “ Four coeds in an old house read from a magic book and accidentally release a cartoon demon. A demon with a taste for sex and blood.” So yeah I tuned in.

See I was smart, I did the math and I realized; “Coeds” = boobs, “cartoon demon” = hilarious, and “taste for sex and blood” = the reason I should be in therapy good clean entertainment!!

Now this is where the trouble began. I watched “Evil Toons.” I watched it and my world crumbled. I was supposed to love this movie. It had coeds, it had a cartoon demon, it had a cartoon demon raping a coed... Where was the love for the movie? Was it a problem with me? Was I incapable of love? Perhaps I was some sort of stone man devoid of human soul, doomed to walk the earth until the end of days never knowing true happiness?

Well I should have moved on from that. But I just couldn't forget that movie and those feelings. Then the damn thing got put on heavy rotation, nearly every night I was given a chance to redeem myself and attempt to regain my soul. The love never came, but a cold tolerance was developed.

Recently some stuff I have read has brought forth some repressed memories and I was forced to dig this thing out of the archives and give it another watch.

Hold on tight cause here we go!

The very first thing we are greeted with here is a message from director/mind fucker Fred Olen Ray. Before the film starts he just wants to make clear to us the viewers/mind fuckees that “The story you are about to see is true. Nothing has been changed. These are actual people who lived this great adventure and this is exactly the way it really happened.”

Moving on. Oh sweet I've always wanted to be able to start out a story like this!

It was a dark and stormy night. There is a spooky looking front door, a spooky looking fence slowly and spookily closes in on the house all by itself. I'm spooked for realz! Wait a minute, is that? Kwai Chang Caine himself David Carradine, oh you know this is going to be rocking now.

Carradine isn't alone, he is carrying a book. A book with a face. A book with a face that speaks “In times of trouble let your conscious be your guide.” And guide him it does, all the way into a basement with a conveniently set up noose which he promptly uses. Like a sucker I forgot to set my noose up before the movie started, so I'm stuck watching.

Now presumably some time has passed since the incident. Enter our coeds. Terry the “team leader”, Jan the generic, Roxanne the slutty girl, and Megan the brain (aka the not so secretly hot one). Apparently they have been hired to stay in this house over the weekend to clean it out for the new owners. For their troubles they will make a whopping $100 a piece. Roxanne doesn't seem too impressed by the amount. I don't know why, this was made in '91/'92, according to my math $100 back then would equal roughly $42,000 today... I think.

The girls start to get settled in and they ask Terry about the rumors of the last family that lived there. Well it seems that they got so freaked out by something that they up and left in the middle of the night leaving everything behind. Even their CD player, no shit! Time to meet the neighbor Mr. Hinchlow, and nearly immediately get the creeps.

Cleaning time, always start with the basement. Wait aren't basements supposed to be attached to the house or at least be underground? Well they call it a basement but it looks more like a garage to me. Either way while cleaning up the place. And by cleaning up I mean snooping around. Terry and Meg find a trunk with a “funky tag.” The contents of the trunk? Oh just a little something I like to call Evil! And a fancy knife, some sort of shroud, and of course skeletal remains. There is always skeletal remains. Ever the thinker Terry decides to keep some of these in case they are antiques and worth money.

Nearly five minutes of almost cleaning, that means break time! Back into the house. Wait, what happened to break time.. now it is night time. Uh oh that storm is back. Uh oh David Carradine is back. Uh oh the book is back.

Roxanne proves her slutty prowess by offering to show the girls how she “gets her hooks” into guys. I myself have often postulated that when college girls get together it soon enough turns into a big strip fest. My suspicions are confirmed, cha-ching!Also confirmed is my theory that Meg the brain is pure, and innocent, but curious and a maybe a little prude. I am still unsure exactly why it is that Meg gets upset and runs upstairs, but there isn't much time to question over it as there is a knock on the door and Caine delivers a package to the ladies. Well what would you call him? We don't know his name yet.

There is that book again. Wait a second that book looks vaguely familiar. Do I know it's brother? Hey look it is the Evil Dead Necronomicon. Well any brother of the Book of the Dead is A-OK in my book! So Terry and Jan are looking through the book but they can't read it they need it translated, now where did that Meg run off to.

Ah ha, found her. Meg is checking herself out in the mirror, and she's naked! Make a mental note to remember these few seconds of the movie and try to forget all else that you have seen.

Remember how I said Meg was the brain? Well that is partially true, she does know how to read a little bit of ancient Latin. What she doesn't know apparently is that you should never ever translate something like that out loud. You always read the full text in your head first, that way you can find the warning before it is too late. Even I know that and I barely read and speak one language.

Bedtime. Well not for Roxanne, she has a guy coming over. Even though the man that hired them Burt said no monkey business. Oh man I can just tell that everything is about to go bananas! Roxanne struggles to pop the cork on a bottle of wine that appears to have a twist top, Carradine skulks about outside, a cartoon monster leaps from the pages of the book into reality. You know same crap different day.

Wait a minute, the monster looks familiar. Do I know it's brother? Hey check it out, its Sherman Fangsworth aka Fangface! Boy I wish you could stick around Fangface, I think these girls are going to have a mystery that needs solving pretty soon.

Boy did the two apples fall in completely different directions on that family tree or what? I don't remember Fangface ever raping, killing a and then assuming the identity of a girl, do you? Well his brother The Monster (that is how he is credited so I take it as his name) seems to excel at that. He isn't all bad though, during the rape he does find time to pass out a compliment, “Nice tits.” Upstairs the girls are having trouble sleeping, who can blame them with all the screaming? Meg decides she needs to go down and check, just in case. Too late though Roxanne is gone and the monster being a master of subterfuge takes her shape and even finds a way to explain away the blood that is covering her naked body.

Carradine looks on.

A knock at the door brings Biff (sadly not Tannen), Roxanne's man friend into the house. The monster still in the guise of the girl takes the opportunity to get some good natured dry humping in before devouring our friend Biff (still not Tannen). Poor Biff (never gonna be Tannen), we barely knew you. More noise, Meg must investigate. If only Fangface were here to help out.

How inconvenient, Burt is sitting there minding his own business watching “A Bucket of Blood” when the phone rings. I wonder if I should find a copy of “A Bucket of Blood”, Burt wonders who would be calling at this hour? Why it's that pesky Mr. Hinchlow telling him about the blood curdling screams. Burt has to go investigate, even if it means missing some Friday night sex with Mrs. Burt (yep that is her credited character name).

By the time Burt shows up to the house he is drunk, I am wishing that I drank, and the girls have discovered the body of Biff (the un-Tannen). Well golly they can't have Burt coming in and finding a dead man's body, they could be fired! They lock him outside and move the body, luckily for Burt Roxanne is going to take him around the back way to let him in... Wait a minute, uh oh.

Ok good Roxanne, with monster inside isn't killing Burt, she is just giving him the tour. Here is where we found the shroud, here is where the dagger was, here is where the trouble started. I'm trouble, are you looking for trouble? Looks like the night wasn't a total bust, he may not be getting Friday night sex but there appears to be a BJ in Burt's immediate future... Wait a minute, uh oh.

Poor Burt.

Thanks to Ms. Smartypants Meg the girls find out that plunging the dagger into the beast will kill it. Being stabbed is also one of my weaknesses.

Back to the garage which is now being called a cellar. The body of Burt is discovered, naturally this leads to running around and screaming.

Carradine looks on.

Hinchlow is back, and he seems to know a little bit too much about the book for my liking. At least he provides us with Carradine's name finally.

Say hello to Gideon Fisk. Wait a minute, Gideon Fisk looks familiar. Do I know his brother? Hey once again I do, it's Keith Carradine from televisions “Complete Savages”. Hey Keith hows it going? I sure do miss your show, it was the Savagey-est-ish-er.....

Once again back on track. The Monster Roxanne momentarily fools the girls into thinking it was all a gag. Back to the basement/cellar/garage to get some payback on the boys for their chicanery. It only takes the girls a few minutes of slapping the corpses around to realize that something isn't right. With the cat out of the bag the Roxanne monster reveals his/her(?) plan to send their souls to the master (Either Satan or Fred Olen Ray, they never say)..

Bye bye generic Jan. You must be sacrificed so the other two can escape. Don't worry though you won't have a boring death. Boy the monster sure does have a thing for boobs doesn't he/she?

Uh oh Roxanne seems to have finished kill/raping Jan and has now found Meg and Terry back in the house. Sorry Terry it is your turn for a little monster/girl on girl rape/killing (I'm not really sure of the order). Run Meg RUN! No don't fall down the stairs run.. Well this looks grim.

This Roxanne monster seems to enjoy exposition almost as much as boobs. Poor Meg, she is expected to read the passage in the book over and over to unleash the rest of the drawing. I guess our monstery friend doesn't know ancient Latin.

Fisk stops looking on

Time for action it seems. He has the knife but sadly lacks the physical strength to overpower the monster. Meg offers a little distraction, and wastes a bottle of wine. Fisk makes with the stabby stabby. The Roxanne monster reverts back to plain old cartoon monster, whiny plain old cartoon monster. Apparently being stabbed hurts, he better head back to the book!

That smart cookie Meg she came up with the clever plan of burning the book in the fireplace. Monster doesn't like that, he vows revenge in the sequel. I silently weep at the thought.

Now that The Monster is dead Meg is all upset, all of her friends are dead. She should really watch this movie so she can see that her “friends” talk a pretty fair amount of crap about her behind her back. Anyway Fisk reveals that she will find them very much alive. Thanks to Meg the monster now never existed. Fisk then disappears, apparently his curse has been lifted.

Cue mega happy ending, morning comes Meg wakes up on the couch, big happy fun time reunion nobody is dead. But everyone (save Meg) is a little confused.

Hinchlow has a thermos of coffee and a portable TV. I hope he plans on sharing I could use some caffeine after all of this.

Why the TV though? It is Saturday morning of course, he though the girls might want to watch some nice cartoons.

Meg screams.

I scream.

The people upstairs stomp on their floor and mutter something about the time. I thank them with four letters.

After the viewing here is what I want to know. What is this movie supposed to be? Slasher horror? Can't be, there is shockingly little gore, and the killings all happen off screen. How about sexy fun time naked boobfest? Nope, there is some nudity, and a lot of sexual suggestions but really only one of the girls, Meg (played by Monique Gabrielle) is all that attractive. Plus there isn't any real sex to speak of, and in all my life I have never ever seen such a pathetic attempt at cartoon on coed rape.

Quite the journey this has been, and nobody can say that this has gone well. But I suppose the journey is the point and not the result right? Wait a minute, uh oh.

A Special Abridged Movie Review for April 1, 2007.

Today is a very exciting day. Today I get to write about one of best movies THE best movie in the last ten years.

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

It is the year 3000 (hence the title) and the Earth has been overtaken by the evil Psychlos. Humans are scarce, those who do exist are either slaves for the Psychlos or members of small tribe like colonies that exist in mountain areas and the like. Those who are not already enslaved live in fear of being caught or killed. The Psychlos still occupy Earth in an attempt to mine from it of all of it's valuable resources (gold). That is until a group of humans lead by Johnny “Good boy” Tyler (Barry Pepper) who were sent by the chief security officer Terl (A very menacing John Travolta) on a secret illegal mining operation (he intends to keep a large sum of gold for himself) work out a plan to fight back.

How can you go wrong? The special effects are top notch. The acting is superb. The story is airtight. You really feel for these poor humans, their pain both physical but also more importantly mental. As a race they are beaten down, defeated, reduced to the most basic of the basic. Yet they survive.. They fight.. They win.

That is the power of this film, it takes you on multiple journeys and it keeps you engaged and entertained for every second of the 119 minutes (too short I say!). Battlefield Earth is not simply a fantastic sci-fi movie, it is also a deep enriching and ultimately satisfying telling of the triumph of the human spirit over what seems to be impossible odds....and aliens.