Untitled Review Repository

The Aughts

2010-02-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

Here it is, my list of the 00's. Just remember, it is mostly arbitrary and dependent on both my mood at any given time, and my piss poor memory. So if something was omitted that is why. These don't necessarily represent the "Best made" of the aughts, they represent the ones that I got the most enjoyment/value out of personally. I did try to mix up the genres a bit and make sure things like animated and documentaries got some attention.

01. Shaun of the Dead

02. Inglourious Basterds

03. LOTR Trilogy

04. O Brother, Where Art Thou

05. [rec]

06. Once

07. War Dance

08. Black Snake Moan

09. No Country for Old Men

10. Punch-Drunk Love

11. Brick

12. 4 Months 3 Weeks 2 Days

13. The Incredibles

14. The Wrestler

15. Garden State

So now of course it is time for the list of honorable mentions, because bloating my list from 10 to 15 just wasn't indecisive enough of me! (in no particular order) American Psycho, Mulholland Drive, Iron Man (the last movie removed from the main list, at great pain), The Devil's Backbone, Star Trek, Ang Lee's HULK, and of course, the best movie EVER created Shark Attack 3: Megalodon!

FGFC: Strait-Jacket

2008-10-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

Well kids its time to once again open up the vaults and dive headfirst into another Final Girl Film Club flick. I'm not even going to beat around the bush this time, I freaking Loved Stacie's pick this month, which was "Strait-Jacket." An awesome movie from 1964 from director William Castle, or as I call him "Oh he of 'House on haunted Hill' fame" because I fell in love with that movie when I saw it too. So the man has chops. Not only that but the movie stars Joan Crawford, who I had just seen in "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?" So clearly going in I was psyched.

Preamble crap:

This month a return to the shorthand form that I started with. Partly to try and reclaim the fun, partly because I'm ass deep in boxes full of my belongings trying to get ready for a move. You'll roll with me on this one right?

The Cast:

Lucy Harbin – Joan Crawford
Carol Harbin – Diane Baker
Bill Cutler – Leif Erickson
Emily Cutler – Rochelle Hudson
Michael Fields – John Anthony Hayes
Doctor Anderson – Mitchell Cox
Leo Krause - George Kennedy
Raymond Fields – Howard St. John
Mrs. Fields – Edith Atwater
Frank Harbin – Lee Majors

Whats the basics?

Lucy Harbin (Joan Crawford) comes home early from a trip to find her younger husband, Frank (Lee Majors) aslseep in bed with his lover. Distraught, Lucy lashes out at the lovers with the first thing she finds, an axe! Unfortunately he 3 year old daughter bears witness to the horrific acts (both the murders and the extramarital shenanigans)

20 years later and a lot has changed, Lucy has spent her time in an asylum after being judged insane and is now being released to live with the now adult Carol, and Carols uncle, Lucy's brother Bill and his wife Emily.

Adjusting to life on the outside is difficult for Lucy, she is nervous around strangers, including Carol's "almost fiancée" Michael, she is uncomfortable with the way she has aged, she is hearing things and even having nightmares (severed heads on a pillow, not so good for the sleepy time),

Lucy seems to have ups and downs, Carol treats her to a makeover, which leaves lucy looking (and occasionally acting as if she were) 20 years younger. Of course all of the progress hits a bit of a snag when Dr. Anderson from the asylum stops by for a visit. Lucy once again becomes very nervous and agitated, and people start getting killed.

But is Lucy the culprit?

What works for me?

As we know I'm a sucker for well shot black and white, and there were times here when director William Castle (Oh he of "House on Haunted Hill" fame) just blew me away. There were literally a few stills that I would love to have blown up as art on my wall. But I don't know, maybe that just makes me a geek?

Aside from that the acting was pretty damned good as well, I mean Joan effing Crawford! You know you love her don't deny it. Then there is Diane Baker, I found her performance to be very good on the first viewing but on the second viewing once I knew that she was in fact the killer I found the subtlety that she put in there to be pretty near to brilliant. Her face during that first uncomfortable hug, he body language during her conversation with Dr. Anderson, the little digs she put in when "pushing" Joan Crawford's Lucy into doing things she wasn't comfortable with. Really I just loved it, beautifully disturbed!

Say what you will but I say that rhyme was awesome, so aweome I'm sharing it right now, just you try and stop me! "Lucy Harbin took an axe, gave her husband 40 whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave his girlfriend 41." That just plain rocks, if I have kids I may teach that to them. Hey, don't judge me, you probably taught/will teach your kids that horrible rhyme about the black plague.

Since I brought up the ending where Carol turned out to be impersonating/framing her mother for the killings in an attempt to get Michael's parents out of the way. If you look at the story as a whole, give the movie an extra viewing or two you will see that actually it is laid out very well so you are lead to believe that it is probably Lucy, but Castle was very careful to shoot it in a way so Carol's ultimate reveal could make sense. Had the movie been made today, odds are there would have been unexplainable stuff thrown in there to put you off the trail. Laid out quite well indeed.

In addition to the main killer story there is also the intertwined secondary story with Lucy's sanity. Clearly she was better when released (or as much "better" as she could be) as is evidence by the ending where she is quite clear about what has happened and what needs to be done, she was just being driven back into madness as part of Carol's plan.

A young Lee Majors losing his head. I don't need to say anything other than that, Fun!

The other side of the coin:

With all the good there was a bit I found to be, well not great, but still not really bad. Mainly there wasn't a whole lot of feelings of danger for most people. Michael, Lucy, Carol, Bill and Emily never seemed as if they were possible victims of the killing, so that is just a bit over half of the main cast feeling safe and sound right there (ok so one of them was being driven crazy, but that wasn't revealed really until the end). Also Leo Krause the creepy jerk farm hand really seemed like the only reason he was there was so someone could be killed between Dr. Anderson and Mr. Fields, nobody even noticed poor Krause had eaten it.

Dr. Anderson, why did he feel the need to lie to Bill but felt it was ok to suddenly speak the truth to Carol? And for that matter, assuming that Lucy was actually released on probation clearly they would have had to let Bill and Emily in on that since it was their property she was staying at yes?

Also disappointing to me was that Lee Majors did not pop back up in the last half of the movie with a new bionic head....Ok so this one wasn't ever even a consideration, but come on that would have been badass!

Rhetorical questions:

Who was watching 3 year old Carol while Frank was out getting his groove on?

Why was Lucy the only person to get off of the train at that stop?

Did you notice the Columbia statue at the end is headless?

Did you laugh in delight when you noticed it like I did?

Are you judging me right now?

Obligitory ass kissing moment:

Once again I have to mention how much I enjoyed this flick, and dammit I just have to say Thank you Stacie, I doubt I would have found this one on my own.

Boomer Sooner

FGFC: The Food of the Gods

2008-09-10T21:46:00.001-07:00

Wow is it really that time again? It seems like it was just a month ago that the last Final Girl Film Club pick was due... You know the drill, Stacie over at Final Girl picks a flick, for us to watch and then we talk. You know, no big whoop.

As is tradition I scoff at the traditional Monday due date. You can't tie me down with your rules man! Rules never stopped me from eating a full meal and then hopping right in the swimming pool did they? The never stopped me from watching too much TV and sitting too close either. And they certainly didn't prevent me from feeding my Mogwai after midnight whenever I damn well pleased... OK I admit that last one may have been a mistake, but the rest of them all lead to a good time!

This month the movie choice is “Food of the Gods.” A movie from 1976 which not only has animals running amok, but giant animals running amok. Going in that is about all I knew, and frankly that is all I really needed to know. Seriously if giant animals on a rampage doesn't put your ass in a seat you really should be asking yourself who took your soul and is it possible to get it back*.

The Basics

Football player, Morgan (Marjoe Gortner), his teammate and friend Davis (Chuck Courtney), and Brian (Jon Cypher) their PR Man decide to spend their upcoming days off getting a little RnR hunting on “The Island.”

So while hunting a stag, well apparently Morgan was just chasing a stag, but Davis wants some venison. While the others yield to the wild animal and let it run off Davis takes even more chase deeper into the woods. For all the effort that he put into the chase he is rewarded with the opportunity to give a giant angry wasp a piggyback ride! The wasp, clearly offended by Davis' reaction, decides that its stingin' time! Bye bye Davis.

Morgan leaves Brian with their only mostly dead friend and goes off to find a phone for some help. He winds up at a farm, when nobody answers to his knock goes looking in the barn, what he finds there is not a farmer. Instead he finds a giant rooster and some super sized chickens. As “Family Guy” teaches us when confronted with a giant rooster ya gotta throw down! A well placed shot with a pitchfork and Morgan is saved from a beaky death.

After his barely surviving the rooster incident Morgan gives the house another whack and this time he finds Mrs. Skinner (Ida Lupino) at the door. After yelling at him and threatening him with a shotgun and informing him that there are no phones on the island save for at the ferry she asks him for a favor. She wants to see if something is what she thinks it is and since Mr. Skinner isn't home yet she can't ask him.

Sure enough Morgan agrees that the holes in the wall are from rats. This vexes the poor lady, she is afraid that they have gotten into the special food, the food that the lord sent them. Frankly if it were me and I had some kind of strange food that made baby animals grow gigantic and go all meat eater on me I'd probably have that food sealed up pretty tight and secure. Not ol' Mrs. S. she rolls with the jar out on the table and the lid off. She's a rebel that one!

On the ferry back home Mr. Skinner (John McLiam) wonders if anything strange was up while he was gone. Upon hearing of Davis' death he asks if the friends said anything about seeing any kind of “big anything.” Clearly he knows of Mrs. Skinner's sloppy handling of the foodstuffs.

While investigating a crash in the kitchen Mrs. Skinner's arm is attacked by some giant maggots. Had he been around Bear Grylls would have been in heaven, those suckers would have kept him in energy for a month.

While driving home Mr. Skinner gets a flat. Before he can get it fixed he is attacked by a pack giant rats. What ensues is the first of what will be many completely awesome rats attacking a miniature structure shots. By attacking I pretty much mean crawling all over... but still!

The next day we see douchy businessman Jack (Ralph Meeker) and his assistant Lorna (Pamela Franklin) driving towards the farm. Along the way they pass a Winnebago containing the pregnant Rita (Belinda Balaski) and her man, who is definitely not her husband Thomas (Tom Stovall). Rita seeing Douchy Jack driving by runs up to flag him down since the Winnebago is broken down but Douchy Jack, being a douche, opts not to stop.

Since Mr. Skinner isn't back yet Mrs. Skinner is reluctant to show DJ and Lorna the secret ingredient that makes the animals big. But Jack douchily finds a way to convince her. As it turns out the secret ingredient that the lord sent is some kind of goo spouting out of the ground. Yep thats right, if you want your animals to grow up big and strong you gotta feed them God Goo!

The revelation is broken up swiftly by the return of our friends the wasps. Boy if they thought that Davis had a bad reaction to the whole piggy back thing wait until they meet the douche.

Jack actually surprised me a little bit here, in a very uncharacteristic move he grabs a shovel and heads out to get rid of the wasps. He doesn't do too well on his own. Luckily Brian and Morgan, having decided to return to the island and rid it of the wasp menace, pull up just in time to lock and load and help Douchy Jack save the day. Well not day, but minute or so. I think Jack would have had better luck had the wasps not been utilizing some kind of cloaking technology making them semi transparent.

After dark, once the wasps would have returned home, Morgan and Brian head nest to take care of things. They do so with fire and explosives. Solid, transparent or opaque not a single wasp could have survived that beautiful explosion!

While Lorna gets trapped in the rat tunnels requiring rescue our Winnebago bound friends are running into some rat trouble of their own. Morgan and Brian save Lorna of course, and Tom and Rita escape their now rat covered vehicle on foot. I can't stress enough how much I love the rats swarming miniature vehicles shots, pure awesome!

Douchy Jack wants get the hell out of there, he does offer to take anyone that wants to go with him. Of course as Morgan points out there is a chance that the rats could still get them, even in the car. Arguments and threats ensue and it is decided that Morgan and Brian will take a trip in the jeep to see how bad the rat problem is. Brian isn't thrilled at this.

While the boys are out checking on the rat problem Douchy Jack is busy filling up every container possible with the God Goo. Lorna on the other hand is concerned about Rita who is sick and possibly having a miscarriage.

Morgan discovers a fence stretches all the way around the property, even through the water. He believes that the rats are too heavy to swim and will just sink to the bottom of the water. Brian, being the thinker, points out that the fence is kind of puny and won't hold the rats back long. Morgan thinks differently, the fence will work wonders! ...if it is electrified.

One little generator and a ground later and Morgan's shocking fence dreams become a reality. Luckily the plan worked and the rats retreat from the electric fence. Down at the water the theory turns out to be correct. Them rats is sinkers! Well at least the half of the pack that showed up to the water is, the other half are back at the generator site apparently knocking a tree down to break the thing.

Upon discovery of the busted generator Morgan does what any sane man wouldn't do. He hops out of the jeep and attempts to move a tree to possibly fix? The generator. Sadly this is just the opening our friends the R.O.U.S.s (Rodents of Unusual Size) were looking for and they go on the strike. Morgan escapes the ordeal with just a bit up arm, Brian isn't quite so lucky. He'll be spending the rest of the flick standing next to Davis.

When Morgan pulls up Douchy Jack is trying to convince Thomas to get Rita into the car so that they can all leave. Jack makes a douchlike comment to Morgan about the missing Brian which results in a confrontation and then leads Morgan to go on a God Goo dumping spree. This is just the distraction the rats needed and they charge the house. Everyone who hasn't been a giant douche throughout the whole ordeal makes it back into the safety of the house. Jack on the other hand gets et.

During the attacks they discover the white rat that is apparently the leader. The shotgun shells aren't going to last forever, something has to be done. Morgan's plan is to make pipe bombs out of the black powder from the shells, and fire bombs out of pretty much every other flammable item in the house.

Once finished creating his weapons Morgan ~~tricks~~ convinces Thomas to help him take the fight to the rats. They shoot their way to the jeep, head to the dam, which Mrs. Skinner conveniently mentioned to Morgan at some point, and set the pipe bombs to blow the dam out and flood the island.

While the guys are out setting the bombs the rats are still at the house swarming (more fantastic mini work!). One rat finds it's way into the kitchen only to be attacked by a butcher knife wielding Mrs. Skinner. Her knife fighting skills are met with mixed results... By mixed results I mean that she dies from the bite wounds at the same time that the rat she was attacking died from her knife wounds.

Proving how inconvenient it really is to have a pregnant woman with you in the middle of a giant animal attack Rita actually gives birth to a healthy baby boy in the middle of all of the action. Man is that kid going to have an awesome story that none of his friends will believe.

As the water from the dam reaches the house Morgan rushes in the door and orders everybody upstairs to avoid the water (and probably the angry drowning rats as well).

After a scuffle with a couple of roof clinging rats everything appears to be over. Then the white rat leader leaps out from behind the roof and Morgan realizes that he just busted the last of his caps. No problem, being the man's man that he is Morgan is able to wield the gun as a club and bludgeons the rat until there is no more problem.

What is the recipe for a good cleanup? Take one large pile of soaking wet giant rat bodies, add in the apparent last jar of God Goo, throw in some leftover gasoline, toss in a match and watch your trouble just go up in flames.

As the movie ends we see two jars marked FoTG being washed away all the way down to a place where cows are grazing, cows who are then milked, milk that is then sent to schools, schools where children drink the milk!

Uh oh...

*Animal rampages involving giant spiders are the exception to the rule. Sometimes you can avoid those and still have a soul... Spiders is scary.

Thoughts

First off I have to admit that out of the impressive number of movies that I have seen in my day my experience with the “animals run amok” genre is disappointingly low. I've seen a few, but nothing of not that comes directly to mind. But I do love the idea of them, and I shall be watching more. The question begs, was “Food of the Gods” a good place to start? Well lets see.

So yeah the acting for the most part was what you would expect from this kind of fair, lots of over the top, a little stiff, and one dead on portrayal of a douche, well maybe not dead on but I certainly enjoyed Ralph Meeker's run as Jack (could you tell?). So you won't find me complaining too much on that aspect.

The plot delivered everything it really needed to. It was simply a device to allow some sweet giant animal attacking action wasn't it? Did it work? You bet. Now I know that this is based on a story by H.G. Wells, and I haven't read that so I don't know how close a translation it is, but I would suspect that some stuff was dropped, and some was changed. Obviously the story had a deeper message, the movie tried to keep it at least a bit in the pre and post narratives with Morgan, and of course the action. But it did seem a little tacked on or forced with the narrations to me.

Ah now we get to the real good stuff, the attacks. They started out a little silly with Davis being attacked by nothing and then giving a piggy back ride, though the swollen effect made up for that and later on with the rats they entered the realm of campy and excellent. The giant stuffed rats themselves weren't that realistic looking, but what they lacked in quality they made up for in quantity. I sound like I'm kidding but it actually worked for me, with all the movement and business of the scenes combined with the surprisingly decent looking injuries it just worked. Now the stuff that I took entirely too much joy from are the rats climbing on miniature set pieces scenes. Those were just so deliciously camp that I just couldn't get enough of them.

I also enjoyed that The rats make feline noises.

If I had any criticism I guess it would have to be the pace. It seemed a bit clunky, there were times when I was really lost in the moment and having a great time, then it was like a brick wall of boring stuff trying to drive the story on, the extra cut in of Rita and Tom arguing over marriage comes to mind. That could have easily been a part of a scene that ended in them running from the vehicle instead of a tension breaking cutaway. Little nit picks like that is all I've got.

Oh yeah and the stupid freeze framing during the opening credits, yeah that annoyed the hell out of me. I thought the Netflix stream I was watching it on was wigging out. Don't do that!

Overall I would say I had a good enough time with the movie. It was worth the netflix stream, I wouldn't purchase it and there are aspects of it that make me hesitant to recommend it to others (See disclosure below). But the parts of it that were good were good enough to keep me interested in the genre so I'm glad that I stuck with it.

Full disclosure

When I was writing my thoughts and the recap I had made the decision to try to gloss over or ignore the obvious trauma to the real rats that took place. As I post this I realize that it is kind of irresponsible. The obvious animal abuse was extremely troubling to me, it certainly wasn't entertaining to watch. It was sad and a really poor choice to make when filming. Though over all I did enjoy the movie it was a tough hurdle to climb and it did wreck the rewatchability.

FGFC: Beardless Brolin edition (AKA "The Car")

2008-08-04T22:19:00.001-07:00

So once again the time is here, we hang our hats, put up our feet, grab our favorite snacks and drinks, shut out the lights, remove our pants, and tune into the Final Girl Film Club pick. Which of course can be found over at Final Girl.

...What, you don't do the pants thing? Whatevs.

This month's pick is a big one for me. Not only had I heard of the movie prior to it being picked but for the first time ever I had actually seen the damn thing. Of course in the name of science I did give it a second watch just for the club. Also if you were thinking that having prior knowledge of the movie made it possible for me to write this up in an “on-time” manner you must be new. Actually the plan was to view and write during the day on Sunday when I was clear but once again fate thwarted my attempt. This time it was the form of 20 power free hours. But by Brolin's Beard* I sear to thee that I shall have this out before midnight PST.

So “The Car,” which was this month's pick really interested me when I first heard about it. First point of order though I wish it were so I am unfortunately by no means a gearhead. But I am a wannabe! So any movie about a car in some fashion that doesn't require lots of knowledge about said car excites me. It really is a matter that hurts me, “Two Lane Blacktop,” “Vanishing Point,” and even “Bullitt” are movies that I do really like but I always always feel as if I'm missing something in the translation. That may be a sad commentary on me as a person. Also I should apologize in advance, this thing kinda got away from me. It's long, crazy, and I think I was jerk enough to leave a few bad puns laying around.

So anyway back to “The Car.” James Brolin, an evil murderous car, 1977, which way will this go? Well lets see.

The Story
The story is fairly simple. Which is the beauty of it!

A car made of evil is on the loose and wreaking havoc on a small Utah town. Said evil ends up gaining the attention of the police Capt. Wade Parent (James Brolin) which could be problematic for the car's future in evildoing.

Thoughts: Good or Bad?
See, told you it was simple. Well ok you got me I could go into synopses and make it more complex but really going in that is ALL that I needed to be excited. That may make me an easy mark I'm not sure. Still the fact remains.

But did it hold up to my expectations? After two viewings I'd have to say yes, yes it has. The movie simply had it all; action, adventure, mystery, mild spelunking...

What can I say “The Car” had me from the beginning. The first kill(s) set a good tone. Two random bikers going across a bridge are harassed first and then bumped off by The Car. Sadly I don't have the ability to paint a picture with my words that would do it justice but it did a nice job of setting things up. Loud, intense, unapologetic, but not gory. Got it!

The pace set forth by the first attack by the car was kept up nicely with the second attack. This time instead of random bikers we get to meet the victim. A man who goes by the name of Johnny Norton. A man by the way that on my first watch through I thought was going to be a pivotal character through the movie, he had just enough detail to fool me into believing that he would stick around. Sadly he made the mistake of uttering to the speeding past car one of my favorite taunts I've ever heard; “Up yours with a splintered fiddle!” Thats just awesome, isn't it? But seriously even though young Johnny tried to do the right thing and stop spousal abuse he also did something evil in its own right, he played the French horn early in the morning while people are probably still sleeping. He deserved the plowdowning that he got and at least one of the backups. Also...he was a hippie, farting music for a whole year indeed!

And what of our man Wade? We first get to meet him as he wakes up with Lauren (Kathleen Lloyd) his lover watching him sleep. What ensues is typical let's do it before the kids get in here fare which she takes care of in a quite unique and might I say discomfort inducing manner. Still a lot is packed into that little scene. We learn that Wade is a single father of two, they don't know that Lauren sleeps over (except that they do, he just doesn't know), he is a cop, Lauren is a teacher. But most importantly we learn that it is highly possible that Josh Brolin isn't actually the start of “No Country for Old Men” my theory is that James Brolin in 1977 stumbled upon a time machine directly after filming “The Car” flashed forward in time and stepped out directly onto the set. Picture evidence below.

See what I mean?

So anyway going forward The Car rampages more, reports come in, including one that the car has no driver. Now here is another thing I really liked about the movie. It didn't play out like a “monster” movie with a Satan car. It played out like a crazy automobile movie, that is how the cops handled it, that is how the cops Would handle it if it were real (what is real?). It just so happens that this crazy automobile might in fact be the devil, who knew!? There wasn't any magic, no spells or curses, just cars, speed, and explosives!

There were some cheesy cliches in there, I won't lie. Extremely flammable from inside the cab cars for starters. Thats a standard I know but it always strikes me as a little bit strange to me. Maybe its because of that episode of Mythbusters, or maybe I really am jaded? Also Lauren taunting the car at the cemetery was a little questionable. She had no idea why it wouldn't come in there to get her so when she started it seemed a bit unintelligent (and she is a teacher remember?). Of course it provided a good comic beat to break up some of the uncomfortableness, and then when it became necessary to keep The Car distracted it worked.

Cheesy in a good way was the Devil hand in the fireball at the end. And by the way, did you notice that the only way to kill an evil car of any kind is to actually blow it up. Well that isn't true, K.A.R.R. Survived an explosion!

I really can't think of too much to even say about the movie that would fall under the “didn't like” banner. About the only thing that I thought was kind of a bummer was the way that Lauren went out. Yeah it was important that she go so that Wade could take the revenge kick up a notch. But I just don't like the idea that she can have these dumb moments like she does.

Here is a hint for you Lauren if you are being stalked by a murderous vehicle always have a lookout and an escape. Don't send your only refuge off to check on his family, especially not if he is supposed to be on the job! Also if you are standing in front of a big window and you can see some headlights outside of it paired with a loud and unsettling honk feel free to assume that you are right and The Car is there and you should find higher ground. Don't wast time making a call to voice your suspicions. Seriously she was pretty much asking The Car to turn her house into a drive-through.

Final Thought
I'd recommend giving this a rent without hesitation. There are some scares in there that come in the form of discomfort. The old “Jaws” like adage of a loud noise repeated can affect you is really in effect here but in a non rip-off way.

There is some subtle but good stuff in there. The wind the precedes the car was probably my favorite. Also most of the non major characters had their own little sub stories going on that helped develop them a bit. I've never read the book but my instinct is that this is some of the good holdover coming from there.

Though I thought the ending of the movie was pretty good and didn't seem out of place apparently there is an alternate ending that is the ending from the book. I kind of wish I had seen that.

* I have in fact been using the term “Brolin's Beard” far far too often since Stacie coined it.

Abridged Review(s): "Why so serious?"

2008-07-25T01:48:00.000-07:00

Hey there, remember me? I'm the angry guy that used to frequent this place and bitch about a lot of things and geek out about other things. Ring any bells? No? Well it has been a while. I guess we start at the beginning then. Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and and taste. I've been around for a long, long year. Stole many a man's soul and faith.....No wait thats someone else. Screw it just read back you'll remember me!

As I said in my last post way way too long ago I've been keeping busy with projects of one sort or another. I've also been taking it easy on the movie front. I have a lot of them on my plate that I want to get to (including getting back on track with that pesky IMDB list of so long ago! (I've actually snuck a few in that I haven't spoken of yet(Three sets of parenthesis!!!))). But there are a few flicks I've taken the time out to check out recently, some good “The Dark Knight,” Some less so “The Incredible Hulk” but I'm getting ahead of myself. Settle back, buckle up, and keep all your hands and feet inside the car at all times this could be bumpy. Let's jump right into it shall we?

The Incredible Hulk
If you don't remember me then you probably don't remember that I consider Ang Lee's Hulk to be a bit of a masterpiece. Admittedly I do owe a large nod to the always incredible Kim Morgan for my enjoyment of “Hulk.” If not for he enthusiasm for the flick I never would have touched it. It may be a flaw in me but for some reason or the other I just am not a huge fan of The Incredible Hulk. The comic books have never held my interest, the TV show bored me, etc...

I was very much ready to skip this one and catch it on DVD. Unfortunately it happened to come out right about at the same time as Father's Day was rolling around. I decided to treat my dad to any flick, his choice. Though I urged him towards “Iron Man” he wanted to see “Hulk.” I decided hitting him in the face with a steel folding chair wouldn't be the appropriate response to his choice so I went with it.

To say my expectations going in were low would be a mild but accurate way to put it. And as such my expectations were met. There was some decent enough action, a little story. I was glad that it wasn't a complete origin story, so at least it didn't make Lee's film completely irrelevant. The casting was good enough, though I really really wish that we could have had more time with Tim Roth as a human, or a super human before they made him a CGI abomination (there is a pun there if you choose to fish it out).

I think the biggest crime the movie had for me was that it just left me feeling like all I had seen was another big actiony summer flick instead of a movie that was part of a world that is larger than that. Which is what Marvel is obviously going for. I mean there were some references to the “universe” in there, the main ones being the S.H.I.E.L.D. Computers, and of course the ending cameo by Robert Downy Jr. Who completely stole the movie by the way. But other than that there wasn't much.

Oh, and the final fight between The Hulk, and The Abomination looked almost as realistic as some of the cut scenes you get on your average Xbox 360 game nowadays. Seriously I laughed.

All in all I'd say rent this when it comes out on DVD or if you have the means Blu-Ray. With the exception of the end fights the CGI is relatively well done and the action is OK. The story is workable, though I still feel that it would have served the movie better to be connected more with both the Ang Lee “Hulk” and “Iron Man” but we can't have it all can we? Let's just pray that “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” takes more after “Iron Man.”

The Ring (second viewing)
Originally I hated this movie. I considered it a huge disappointment. See when I was going to ITT we talked a lot about movies (gotta do something to avoid classwork right?) and someone whose movie taste I really trusted told me I needed to watch this “It'll scare the shit out of you...literally” he said. Now at that point I'd seen some scary movies, but none of them had required a change of pants afterwards so I was intrigued.

Netflix was contacted, the movie was sent and then the movie was watched. The next day I went back to class and had to ask my friend which part of the movie was supposed to do the damage. He seemed both baffled and flabbergasted at my dislike of the movie.

Cut to a few years later and I see the Internet's Final Girl Stacie Ponder making goo-goo eyes all over “The Ring.” So again someone whose judgment I totally trust is loving on this flick. So with a little coaxing and realizing that I've been incorrect in the past I decided a round 2 was in order.

In fairness the first shake I gave “The Ring” was at about 3 in the afternoon, it was bright out, I was just out of class and my brain was probably still wound up from math or some such. Not necessarily ideal for a scary movie. This time I was relaxed, it was night, there was actually a nice rain going on outside. So the scene was set.

So was I wrong originally? I'd say yes and no. I will now admit that yes it is a good movie, and it'll suck you in more than you realize. Was there an unfortunate accident during the viewing, no. It wasn't that kind of movie.

The interesting thing about “The Ring” is that instead of the sudden big scares it relies pretty heavily on the long running slow creepy eerie scare that like I said just grabs a hold and you may not even realize it is affecting you. Trust me, it affects you. I found that out about 30 minutes into the movie (half past Midnight for me mind you) when My phone rang. Well OK that almost got the job done, I'm man enough to admit I jumped. Then I answered and cussed out my friend for calling so late and having such terrible timing....jerk.

The twisty type thing near the end would have been a lot more impact for me had I not known it was coming, still I was able to appreciate that it both made sense and fit in with the movie and didn't “break” anything. Which is always good of a twist.

I'd still probably just call this a rent, if only because I just don't know if the chills and eerie feelings would hold up to multiple views. But it definitely is a fun scary watch.

The Dark Knight
So umm yeah, stop reading what I'm saying here and go watch the damn thing yourself. If you've already seen it stop and go see it again!

Actually I will say a few short words on it. Everyone loves Bale as Batman, you can't argue with that. Ledger has been getting huge praise for his turn as The Joker. I agree with all said on that of course. Maggie Gyllenhaal's Rachel Dawes is also getting a lot of good attention, again I agree though I wish she would have had a bit more screen time. Lets face it, the movie is an acting powerhouse. But here is what bothers me. All of these great performances and yet I'm not seeing nearly enough praise going towards Gary Oldman, whose performance was subtle and brilliant. Gordon isn't and shouldn't be the focus of a Batman movie obviously, he is kind of an ancillary character. Still Oldman was able to deliver the goods. C'mon people, you know you loved him so come out and say it already!

Yeah I'm going to go ahead and just say as soon as possible pre-order this one. I know it will be in my collection ASAP. Though before that go see it in the theaters again. I'm hoping I can catch it in IMAX since I was unable to on opening night.

Next on my list is possibly “The X-Files: I Want To Believe” though after reading some unflattering reviews that seem to confirm my fears I am really worried...

So there you have it, some movie talk, nuts as it may have been.

FGFC: Lifeforce, better late than never?

2008-06-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

So I'm late, well I'm always late but this time I'm later than usual. But what are you gonna do, sue me?

So it is time once again for the FGFC This month the coo coo nutsos ran the asylum and Stacie allowed a vote to choose the movie. That vote lead us to “Lifeforce.” A sci-fi/horror, (or is it horror/sci-fi?) flick directed Tobe Hooper out of 1985. The movie is based off of the book based on the book “The Space Vampires” by Colin Wilson, a book that based on it's title I find annoying that I had never heard of. Time to head to the used book store!

So I went into this movie as usual knowing extremely little. In fact really all I knew was the description Stacie gave during the voting process (a new and scary, but cool, addition to the film club. Now we can only blame ourselves?). Research, whats that? So basically I went in knowing only that it was a Tobe Hooper directed flick, and at some point some naked life sucking space vampires would show up....Ok that's not true, I did do a little research. I had to make sure the name Bea Arthur didn't appear anywhere on the cast list. But other than that I swear I went in knowing nothing.

On with the really big shoe

You know honestly I'm have no idea why but after multiple viewings this movie really just doesn't do much for me and

I really have no idea why. When I sit back and think about it I really should have loved the thing. First off it combined horror, and sci-fi two of my favorite genre's in any medium. That alone should have been enough to seal my love. So why didn't it? Seriously I'm asking because after 4 viewings (Yes 4 viewings!) It still isn't striking me strongly in any way.

It isn't poorly made. In fact in a way the effects really impressed me. I really liked the look of the dehydrated lifeforeceless victims. They had a fantastic creepiness about them, especially when animated, and those eyes. I really liked the practical effects. Even the light/energy stuff wasn't so bad, although the effect itself didn't make a whole lot of sense in a logical “what is that doing” sense. But then we are talking about space vampires no? The closest thing to an eh, maybe moment in the effects was the space “walk” moments where it was clearly a still image floating on a matt-painting. And yet even that wasn't terrible, they managed to get some depth out of it and the painting was top notch. Actually I take that back, there is one effect I didn't care for. The animated giant bat creature, I thought they looked cooler while inanimate.

The story, well maybe this is what does it. First I'll note that I've never read “The Space Vampires” so I don't know how true to the book it truly is. But to me it plays an awful lot like a movie that was directly adapted from the pages of a book. Most people think that is what they want. I always maintain that movies and cinema are two completely separate mediums and direct translations rarely work. People get hung up on changes, but they simply are needed. Need proof see the Lord of the Rings trilogy, in fact watch it with director/writer commentary they talk a lot about changes being needed and people love those movies (and by people I of course mean me). So from the beginning it plays a lot like a book on film, from the John Larroquette exposition at the beginning spelling out the happenings to the order in which things are happening. Even the twist at the end was dulled for me by the manner in which the foreshadowing, the verbal queues would work in a book but on film there are better more subtle ways.

There were things I did like storywise though. The misdirection sending them to Yorkshire, the stuff in the asylum that was good. The retconning of the entire vampire mythos was kind of cool. The idea of a vampire plague and the energy being sent to the shop was a really cool sci-fi meets classical horror type convergence.

See like I say, some complaints but nothing overwhelming. Yet somehow I just couldn't feel Lifeforce. And that is saying something I mean c'mon....Naked vampire aliens from space, Patrick Stewart getting lip locked by a another man, bodies that explode into dust, zombiefied plague victims going all hungry vampire zombie all over London, freaking naked vampire aliens from space (did I mention those?).

My final conclusion.....My brain effing hates me and wishes to drive me insane.

Also I'm not so sure that the female naked vampire alien from space wasn't actually a Sith. When she was escaping the research center it looked an awful lot like she was using, Force Lightning, Force Choke, and Force Push. Go ahead and rewatch, you'll see. She was full of the dark side!

Abridged Review Part Deux (The Quickening): Cloverfield

2008-05-22T01:24:00.000-07:00

Ok so it has been a little while and I've thought about it and yes; while I still think the Spinal Tap inspired review of “Cloverfield” was both accurate and hilarious (at least to me) I also feel I should back the opinion up. At least a little.

So what killed “Cloverfield?” Very simply the first 20 minutes. Look I'm all for rocking the boat, breaking the rules, bucking authority and what have you. But only to a point. One of the main rules of movie making is, Don't be boring! Especially don't start out boring. Hell Trey Parker even mentioned something to that effect in the commentary on “Cannibal: The Musical”

The first 20 or so minutes of “Cloverfield” were just mind numbingly boring. Get this straight buster, those crappy home movies, nobody likes them, nobody watches them. Not even the people in them, or whom they were for. Nobody. So doing one seriously in a movie to help us get to acquaint us with the characters just doesn't work. It certainly doesn't work when it goes on and on for nearly a half an hour with NOTHING happening.

Lets not forget this is a monster movie right? So over 20 minutes in and no monster? Well that has happened before, but usually you would be explaining where the thing came from. But that wasn't this movies point or MO which is fine, in fact it was one of the selling points that got me interested. Who cares where the thing came from it is causing carnage and that sounds like fun to watch.

Instead of getting to the action quick the explaining time was replaced with drivel. We found out that Marky got with Sharon and Sharon got Sharice. She was sharing Sharon's outlook on the topic of disease. Mikey had a facial scar and Bobby was a racist. They were all in.....Wait, that can't be right it's too entertaining...But it was something similar to that. We got a home movie a boring boring home movie.

You may notice I haven't focused on any other problems with the movie that happened later on. Good eye. That's because the first 20 got me so disinterested and angry that I never recovered. The rest of the movie was competent but not mind blowing. Some things were good, top notch effects, decent city decimation etc... But some things weren't so great, the in joke with the cameraman's name being “Hud” ceased being funny 42 seconds quicker than immediately, the little parasites scurrying around were kind of weak, and frankly a lot of the reactions this group were having just weren't believable.

Most of the errors could have been easily forgiven had it not been for the tortuously dull beginning.

In the end “Cloverfield” did something that even the worst of the worst movies are rarely able to do to me. It made me angry because I was so let down.

I still remain optimistic but now a bit skeptical of what Abrams is going to do with the “Star Trek” reboot.

Don't hurt me again J.J. Next time I'll send a friend of mine to have a few words with you...

Can I get a Hell yeah?

Askewed Review: Wrestlemaniac

2008-05-07T00:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard about something that you were extremely excited for? Yeah that was me with "Wrestlemaniac." Seriously how could this movie lose? Here is the Netflix description that hooked me.

"Director Alphonse (Adam Huss) makes a big mistake when he decides to shoot his film in a remote Mexican ghost town. Turns out, the town is the lair of the legendary El Mascarado (Rey Misterio Sr.) -- a deranged wrestler who begins to kill off cast and crew in bloody death matches. One by one, El Mascarado stalks, captures and attacks his victims, as the remaining members of the group try to find a way to stop the killing spree."

How could I not be drawn to this? It brings together wrestling and horror. It seems a concept that was crafted specifically with me in mind. So I did my part I added the movie to my queue put it up top and waited. Once the movie came though I was reluctant to watch it. The wait had given me time to think, could the movie be pulled off? So on the shelf it sat... on the shelf it should have stayed...

Had the movie been the one that had been oh so eloquently described by Netflix been the one that I watched I would have been happy. Unfortunately it wasn't. Sure they had the title and the actors correct, but after that it kind of fell apart.

The Basics-ish
On their way to Cabo San Lucas a porn film crew gets lost. Low on gas they have no choice but to make their way back towards civilization by way of a road which will take them through La Sangre de Dios, a ghost town said to be haunted by a demonic masked wrestler known as El Mascarado (Rey Misterio Sr.). The intention of driving right past the town without stopping is thwarted by a giant rock (or is it a small boulder?) in the middle of the road which driver/porn director/porn actor? Alphonse (Adam Huss) manages to not see until it is too late.

So the crew pulls up to the town to have a look around. Alphonse decides that the town would make an excellent setting for their little film so he has cameraman Steve (Jeremy Radin) start filming as Dallas (Leyla Milani of WWE Diva Search and Deal or No Deal fame) and Debbie (Margaret Scarborough) start up what has to be one of the least sexy sex scenes ever. Things take a turn for the worse when Alphonse himself joins in the scene along with the up until this point drunkenly passed out Daisy (Catherine Wreford). Thankfully the "sex scene" doesn't last long as Daisy gets sick and runs out the door to find a private place to get ~~killed~~sick, I too considered hurling at this point.

The resident stoner tagalong Jimbo (Zack Bennett) goes looking for Daisy, he thinks she has his weed. Jimbo then becomes the first victim we see being taken out by El Mascarado. The others discover Jimbo's body sans face and soon enough find themselves being chased by El Mascarado.

Alphonse being the fine upstanding man that he is locks himself in a church, locking everyone else outside with the masked one. He didn't anticipate the back way in and finds himself going one on one. During the "fight" Mascarado is barely seen, but Alphonse is seen flying into every breakable wooden object in sight, he then shoved neck first into a protruding nail. Not dead yet he manages to sneak away to hide in the graveyard outside, which is where El Mascarado finds him and rips his face off.

While looking for a hiding place Steve and Debbie run into some old audio reels that sheds some light on Mascarado's past. They are in Spanish so Steve only barely understands them, something about multiple lobotomies and cuatro latero (I apologize for my terrible Spanish spelling)... They scurry on and find what must be Mascarado's personal room. The ripped off faces are displayed on the walls much as wrestler's masks might be, and the room has four barrels in a square with a rope loosely draped around it. It snaps with steve "Cuatro latero" a ring, he is following Mexican wrestling rules! So when he defeats his opponent he de-masks/faces them. All they need to do to stop him is remove his mask.

The celebration of this epiphany is short lived when El Mascarado shows up. Steve man's up, puts on his own mask and attempts to "wrestle" Mascarado in the makeshift ring. It doesn't go so well and we hear him getting knocked around fairly violently. While is being a distraction Debbie makes an attempt to crawl out of the room only to be dragged back in and given a brutal looking back breaker(holy shit an actual wrestling move!?!).

Meanwhile Dallas, who has been up to this point oblivious to the happenings has been busy fixing the van. While looking for the group she finds the body of Daisy who we now learn was the first victim of Mascarado. She then runs into Debbie and Steve's bodies. Ok well Steve is only mostly dead. Faceless he still manages to inform Dallas of his de-masking idea before kicking it.

Next up some more chasing and hiding which includes one of the most gratuitous hiding poses ever committed to film. Through the course of the hiding and chasing Dallas even finds herself having to hide in a barrel full of water, and then the poor thing has her pants ripped off by a car door. Fed up with running she decides to fight back. Once again finding herself in Mascarado's room she waits for him, as he enters she smacks him down with a board full of nails and impales him on a large metal pipe. Just as she is about to remove his mask he takes another swing at her. She counters by removing the car key that was jammed into his hand. The distracting pain gives her a chance to escape, not to the van though she instead runs into the church where she breaks down.

Next thing we see she is running out of the church screaming, which is actually the scene the movie started with, only this time we see the full scene. The scream goes on way too long and her running slows, then she looks down to see herself impaled on the metal pipe. Dallas falls to her knees dead, while El Mascarado makes off in the Van headed towards Sequelville population eh...probably nobody.

Thoughts
So in a movie lousy with potential what happened? Everything went just lousy.

As a horror movie it failed to be even remotely scary. There was some decent lore that could have been explored but instead it was just tossed out there. Told to us and not shown in any way. We don't even really find out if removing Mascarado's mask would in fact stop him. On top of that there is sort of two versions of the back story given in the movie. One early on when Alphonse and Steve are talking about La Sangra de Dios, and one later when Steve is listening to the tapes. I guess the point was that one was supposed to be fact and the other supposed to be a "legend" which would be fine except that the original and more fantastical version appears to be the case.

As a slasher movie it failed in that it really wasn't all that gory. There was blood thrown about quite a bit true enough, and a couple of de-facings. Though I wasn't as thrilled with that effect as apparently others were. For instance, wouldn't someone who had no face also have no lips? Then how did Steve still have them when he was telling Dallas about the mask? The nail through the neck was fairly gruesome though, so that is something. It didn't fail as miserably as a slasher as it did in other areas, but still.

As a horror movie surrounding a wrestler it completely failed. There was MAYBE 3 wrestling moves in the entire thing. The one actual "match" that took place in the movie took place behind a closed door so we only got to hear it and not see it. Really why did they bother to get Rey Misterio Sr. for the part at all? His abilities were wasted. In case you didn't know Rey Misterio Sr. is an actual Mexican professional wrestler and the uncle of Rey Mysterio/Rey Misterio Jr. the former ECW and WCW and current WWE wrestler.

Hell lets go the whole nine. This wouldn't have saved the movie for me anyway but the movie even failed at being a flesh fest. Which being that it was about a porn film crew seemed obvious.

This movie could have been great, it really could have but instead it turned into a "horror by numbers" that just seemed lacking in almost every conceivable way to me.

Even the name "Wrestlemaniac" isn't ideal. Not when you consider the other two names that the movie has gone under; "El Mascarado Massacre," and my favorite "The Mexican Porn Massacre."

I was so disappointed that I even found myself getting angry at the small things that normally wouldn't have bothered me. For instance, if the Doctors in the past had given Masarado several lobotomies to curb his violent ways wouldn't that have meant that they removed his mask thus ending his reign of terror? Also Steve translates "La Sangre de Dios" as "The Blood of Jesus." But I'm fairly sure that it actually would be "The Blood of God." Now if the town had been called "La Sangre de Jesús"....

Or maybe I'm just getting too cranky?

that's what I thought....

FGFC: "Near Dark"

2008-04-21T23:57:00.000-07:00

I think we are all hip to what time it is now right? You remember, the FGFC brought to us by the always awesome Stacie Ponder from Final Girl fame. So the chosen one this month was "Near Dark." A bold choice for Stacie to be sure, what with nearly half the cast being fresh off the set of "Aliens" and thus could potentially still have smelled of Reiser. Well gambled Stacie, well gambled indeed.

The basics
~~Nathan Petrelli~~ Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) is a rowdy country youth who one night happens across Mae (Jenny Wright) at a gas station. Being a red blooded young male Caleb decides to chat Mae up a bit, ya know ask for a taste of her ice cream cone (literally). One thing leads to another and the two go for a nighttime drive. Just when things start to heat up a bit Mae realizes that it is getting early, she demands that Caleb take her home. Well he doesn't know she's a vampire so he kind of tries to dissuade her from leaving. This earns him a bite, after which Mae hops out of the car and scurries off leaving Caleb to start turning (and burning!) on his own.

As Caleb is slowly making his way home, his little sister Sarah and their dad Loy notice him and his smokiness just in time for a mysterious black van to speed up on him and swoop him away. Turns out the van belongs to the group of vampires that Mae belongs to. Caleb meets his new "family" under imperfect circumstances, the crazy one of the group Severen (Bill Paxton) would very much like to remove his Caleb's head from his body, and nobody else seems to think that such a bad idea. Save for Mae who claims him and promises to teach him their ways.

Caleb is having issues with his new life, he doesn't want to kill, maybe he can't. Even with Mae's help he isn't able. The group has two choices at this point. Kill him, or help him. Fun loving lot that they are they decide to stage a little fun in Caleb's honor. They take him to a little country bar for a few drinks and a little slaughter, not necessarily in that order. Caleb learns that he has some pretty amazing strength, that bullets don't kill him, and that yep he can't kill. Still before he learned that he didn't stop everyone else from having their mayhem.

Unfortunately the one that Caleb let get away went straight to the cops (a little murder and he goes tattling) so their daytime slumber is interrupted by a gunfight. The sun being problematic they aren't doing so hot so Caleb grabs the van keys a blanket and hurls himself out the window and makes a break for it. Once in the safety of a new motel later that night it seems as if Caleb is being somewhat forgiven if not accepted for his bravery. That is until the resident child sized vampire Homer is out for a smoke when he comes across Sarah, Caleb's little sister, who is traveling with her dad tracking Caleb down as they don't know why he disappeared.

Homer takes a liking to Sarah. Once Caleb finds out about it things take a turn. Loy, their dad is brought to the room with the idea that these people tracking them must be eliminated. Not if Caleb has his way! Some gunshots and fighting ensue, Caleb gets Loy and Sarah and they bolt. Caleb really can't explain what has happened easily, but he demands that Loy not take him to a hospital. Instead he has the idea to try a little blood transfusion to see about curing his newly acquired thirst. Which it does.

The next night Mae comes to Caleb. Clearly the clever hiding place of their house didn't work! Mae seemingly just wants to see Caleb, but while they are busy making out Sarah is busy being kidnapped. Once he realizes what is up Caleb makes his pursuit, on horseback no less (which ended up making a really cool image).

On the way to Sarah Caleb runs into and has a tussle with Severen, who is angry over the betrayal. The fight eventually leads Caleb into a semi-truck which he uses to try and run over Severen. The plan doesn't work out as he only gets hurt and is left clinging to the hood of the truck taunting Caleb and punching his way into the hood to rip things apart. Caleb jackknifes the truck, jumping out just before it and the still attached Severen explodes. One down!

Before Jesse and Diamondback get a chance to finish Caleb off in retaliation day starts breaking. They have to retreat to the car along with Mae, Homer, and the still captured Sarah to stay out of the sun. Homer still has plans to turn Sarah but Mae has other intentions. She grabs Sarah and jumps out of the back window into the sun running Sarah towards Caleb who meets them and saves Mae with his coat. Homer, distraught over the loss of his new infatuation jumps out to make chase. Unfortunately for him He had nothing to shade him from the sun and before he can make much of a chase he succumbs to the burning and explodes. Two down!

Knowing that they have nothing left Jesse and Diamondback turn around yet again and make a last ditch effort to run down the three annoyances. Their plan never takes hold as the sun gets them as well and they lose control of the car just before, yep, they both explode. Three and four down!

Caleb takes Mae back home, works the transfusion magics on her and the two, so it seems live happily ever after.

Thoughts, both good and bad
So for me this was a strange watch. I know this will come out strange but throughout both viewings of the movie I kept having the same thought. And I very well could be completely off base and/or off my rocker here but. What really classifies this as a horror movie? I mean other than the vampires, which yeah I admit that is a big hurdle but still. The vampire lore was more of a backdrop I felt for a movie that to me played almost more like a drama/action/comedy and of course modern western. It just happened to have vampires in it. I've noticed this in the past with other vampire movies and TV shows as well, most of which admittedly were made after "Near Dark" so take that for what you will..

Mind you I'm not complaining about the movie. In fact I believe that "Near Dark" blended those genre's quite well and did so without the hokeyness that it could have fallen into. What I'm getting at here is that to me it almost seems as if vampire flicks, at least this kind of them, have almost moved out of the horror genre and created a new one of their own, or at least some sort of strange multi-sub genre.

So on this new standard that I may or may not have just created where does "Near Dark" fall for me? It's gotta be near the top. What the movie lacked in scary (again as I see it) it certainly didn't lack in intensity. Hell Bill Paxton's Severen had the intensity quota filled all by his excellently obnoxious self.

The writing and storytelling for the most part were actually a lot tighter than I expected. It's the small things that I liked such. Severen's line "Cut the shit. I know you're awake. I can smell it." for instance, a small thing that said a few things. It let us know an ability that this flavor of vampire has, also it spoke to the nature of his character. As did the moment with the spur. Jesse and Diamondback's mannerisms alone let you know where they stood. While I'm on that subject, Lance Henriksen was fantastic as Jesse.

But it wasn't all great. A few small things kind of got to me. The first one was Homer (Joshua Miller), pun not intended but not rejected either! Seriously what was up with him? One of his first lines was about being a "big man in a little body" and then Jesse throughout referred to him as "old man" he even smoked and played cards as if he were indeed an adult in a kids body. But then inexplicably other times (in private, not in public for show) he acted as the child. That is really why the child turned into a vampire doesn't really work for me almost ever, they are a recipe for plot holes or confusion. Also Homer's dialog was, well, lame. "The name's Homer. H-O-M-E-R. Mispronounce it... and I wouldn't... wanna... be you." Really? Thats all ya got little guy? Well ok then.

Then again at least H-O-M-E-R (Hey apparently thats how he wants it said) got some lines. Diamondback (Janette Goldstein) barely said a thing. Mostly she just clung to Jesse. Though she did have the most awesome hair in the entire movie, and she was wielded that knife pretty in the bar scene. Still it seemed like a waste of some good talent.

By the way. If you want to see a slightly less entertaining version of pretty much that exact same bar scene, go watch "The Thirst." But then, why would you want to see the less entertaining?...

Final Though
Bottom line. "Near Dark" was a lot of fun, if you haven't seen it I think you really should. Odds are you have seen something influenced by this and odds are they weren't as good.

Also ya know, just two more small facts. #1 as previously mentioned, No Reiser! And #2 as you may have noticed almost everyone blows up!

P.S.
We like the boom!

(no, I'm...I'm not sure why)

(almost) Abridged Review: "The Thirst" (2006)

2008-04-15T23:53:00.000-07:00

So what do we have here. The first thing to note is the "The" in the title as there is a movie out there just called "Thirst" which is definitely not this movie. There is also trickily enough another movie out there by the name of "The Thirst" and that one too is about vampires. So to clarify, the one I am speaking of here was directed by Jeremy Kasten, and starred Matt Keeslar, Clare Kramer, and Jeremy Sisto, among others. Netflix and most other places also say that is co-stars Adam Baldwin, but I don't know if I would go so far as to say "co-stars" so much as maybe features him.

2 short 2 basic
Recovering addict girl and recovering addict guy are in love, girl hides terminal cancer from boy who mistakes her symptoms for possible relapse. Vampire finds girl in hospital, turns her. Girl has guy come see her in hospital after, tells him about her cancer has fight with him goes home alone and fakes her death. Guy goes all depressed locks himself up in house until friends convince him he needs to go out. At the club guy thinks he sees girl dancing, tries to catch her but can't. Obsession starts, guy tries to get to bottom of things ends up finding girl at club again (after having been arrested for trying to dig up her grave) just in time for a big vampire raid on the bar. Girl barely gets guy out and tells him to live his life. Guy follows girl home, meets the vamp family and is given the choice of death or joining. Oh he's in!

Turns out girls not so good a vampire, but guy is. Also turns out that blood is like a drug and as an ex addict he just can't get enough. Girl convinces guy that the right thing to do is give up the blood, hey he is supposed to be a recovering addict right? The vamps try to find them, fights ensue yadda yadda. You get the point right?

thoughts

So there actually is some kind of interesting things that could go on here. I really like the idea of blood being more like a drug and an addict getting his "high" from it and not being able to control the urge. That throws an intriguing dynamic in there, especially with a recovering addict who needs the blood to survive, but can't have it if he wants to have self control. There is also some bits in there where Maxx and Lisa ("guy" and "girl" respectively) go cold turkey on the blood which leads to some schizophrenic scenes of them locking themselves in their apartment and going through withdrawals of all kinds. Actually I was semi reminded of "Bug" by some of the scenes, but then that didn't work in the favor of "The Thirst" since I then realized how much better a movie "Bug" was.

As far as the regular vampire stuff goes in this one, it was a whole lot of been there done that, and I said that even before I had watched "Near Dark." Which as it turns out was more than just a little influence on this flick, I mean there was even a bar room massacre that was just a little too similar for me to call it a pure homage, though I have no doubt that is the spirit that it was intended with.

I mentioned earlier the "Near Dark" connection, as it turns out the publicity for the movie states that it was something akin to "Requiem for a Dream" meets "Near Dark." As you can see that is a pretty accurate description. Even if it doesn't have the impact of either of those other two. Man did "Requiem" fuck with my head when I saw it for the first time!

So what was wrong? I think it just came down to strange direction. I brought up the directors name earlier purposely, why? Because when I looked it up I was shocked that only one man got credit when it looked like at least 2 to 3 people were doing the directing. It was very scattered both pacing and visually.

A lot of the dialog was cheesy, as were the effects. Now for me that wouldn't be a problem if I could tell in some way if it was intentional or not. I didn't sense that the actors were going all "Big Trouble in Little China" with their performances, but at the same we got the cheesy super blood pressure spray from the wounds.

in conclusion

The movie just confused me when it shouldn't, bored me more than it should have, and generally was a disappointment. With Jeremy Sisto and Adam Baldwin involved especially I had hoped to enjoy this a lot more. But in the end I would say that my time would have been happier spent if I'd of just watched "Requiem for a Dream" and then "Near Dark." ..Though after reminiscing during writing all of this I have realized that "The Thirst" would possibly be a good time with a few friends and a lot of sarcastic comments.

FGFC: Scarecrows

2008-03-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

Here we go again! This time 'round Stacie has chosen "Scarecrows" as the FGFC pick. "Scarecrows" is a flick from '88 and as we know I'm all about trying to reclaim the 80's. Other than the year I wasn't actually sure how excited I was about the flick though, I've never seen an actual scarecrow flick before. Though as I understand it there is at least a bit of a sub genre dedicated to them so I was hopeful going in. Plus ya know it does have an awesome tag line "They Only Want A Brain ... Yours.

The Basics: Extended Edition

A small but greedy paramilitary group has robbed a military base and walked away with 3.5 million dollars, a hefty sum! Actually they didn't walk away they flew away with the help of a pilot and his daughter whom they have kidnapped. Things were going pretty smoothly until one of the group, Bert (B.J. Turner), decides that $3.5 split amongst the group was good, but $3.5 split one way was better (math!). So he set a little smoke bomb, tossed a grenade (which blew up awesome by the way), and parachuted out with the cash. A logical if not well thought out plan if you ask me.

So Bert makes his landing, in a tree first then onto the ground. He stands up, gets his orientation about him and goes off to find where the money landed, but not before getting a bit of a jump when he turns to see up on a cross a big ugly scarecrow! As Bert walks off we hear that the Scarecrow can mimic peoples voices. Meanwhile back on the plane the group is trying to find out where Bert is headed with their ill gotten booty when they notice and start heading towards a house in the area. A couple of them parachute out to follow Bert while the plane makes a few rounds to keep track of him and then finds a field to make a landing.

Bert makes it to the house, gets the key to the truck outside, confederate front plate and all, and heads out to snag the cash and make an escape. He also runs over a scarecrow. Soon enough the truck stops working and Bert heads out on his own dragging the money with him. All the while he has his headset on so the rest of the team can sass him while he escapes...or is it the team? Starting freak out Bert takes off leaving most of the money behind he runs into a grouping of scarecrows up on their crosses and really gets scared he even goes so far as to try and give the money back (he thinks that Curry (Michael David Simms) and Jack (Richard Vidan) from the group have him surrounded). And then it happens, a real live (or at least animated) scarecrow jumps out and thrusts it's hand into berts stomach killing him.

Not knowing that Bert is dead the rest of the team from the plane heads out towards the house to meet up with the members currently there, leaving behind only the pilot, the apparent leader, Roxanne (Kristina Sanborn), even takes Kellie (Victoria Christian) the pilots daughter with them (so he won't bolt on them). By searching the house they realize that the people who lived there previously were weird, "into devil worship or somethin'!"

Of course as soon as everybody is out of sight the pilot takes off on his own only to be fooled and taken out by the scarecrows fairly quickly.

Back to our group out looking for Bert, they find his parachute up in a tree looking as if it is holding something. Jack reluctantly climbs the tree to cut it open but when he does poor Curry standing below is covered in the blood that was inside. While they are on their way back Bert suddenly appears at the house startling Roxanne.

So they are administering a good old fashioned beating to Bert. All they want to know is where the money is but he ain't talkin! Curry gets a little angry, rips open Bert's shirt revealing the wound that his insides were removed from which is now stuffed with straw and cash. Bert isn't happy about the reveal and starts fighting back, strongly not even gunshots at point blank range stop him. Luckily Corbin figures out that decapitation and dismemberment will slow him down a bit!

While everyone is busy realizing that the money stuffed inside of Bert wasn't the entire amount Kellie is busy attempting to escape. She may have gotten away if she hadn't of been distracted by the sight of her father dead and strung up like a scarecrow, this gives Corbin time to catch her and bring her back.

They notice out the window that it looks like the wind has blown some money out that they can claim. Well to them it looks like the wind blew it out, to me it looks an awful lot like a trail was left. A trail to death!

While picking up this ~~trail~~ wind blown miracle Jack finds his missing harmonica (he'd been missing it ever so) unfortunately the reunion wasn't long lived as the money does in fact lead to death as another scarecrow knocks Jack out and chops his hand off placing it upon it's own wrist. The Jack wristed scarecrow then chases after a very unhappy Curry who makes a run for it and eventually makes his way back to the group to warn them.

Back in the house Curry loses his mind and refuses to leave, Roxanne is still concerned about collecting the cash, Corbin is worried, and Kellie doesn't think the things are after her. Eventually they agree to make a break for the plane all except for Curry who is going to stay behind because he believes Jack is fine and is headed back to them.

On the way back Roxanne is distracted by another line of money while Kellie is distracted by what she believes is the sound of her dog barking off in the distance somewhere. Roxanne is then further distracted by grisly death. Corbin convinces Kellie that there is no dog out here only the scarecrows messing with her head so off to the plane they run.

Corbin and Kellie are almost free when Corbin gets a knife to the leg. In a quite noble move for a killer/thief he tells Kellie to make a run for it and save her self which she almost does. But at the last minute she decides to try and be helpful for once, comes back, finds Corbin's very large gun and takes care of biddness.

While all of that is going on Curry, still at the house, hears the phone ringing. He answers to a heavy breather with a few uncomfortable words. A door swings open behind him revealing a burlap sack, inside is the still alive head of Bert! That was bad enough, but not nearly as bad as the surprise entering the house. It's Jack! Jack has definitely seen better days, but then again so has Curry seeing as how Jack knifes him (oops sorry about the pun). Then the old scarecrows all seem to go back to resting.

Kellie and Corbin are about to make their big escape, Kellie fires up the plane engines and starts takeoff while Corbin enjoys himself a cigar. Well he was enjoying it until the pilot, Kellie's dad, now a scarecrow himself shows up, attacks Corbin and starts making his way towards Kellie. A brief scuffle ensues, Kellie uses some tricky flying to keep her dad off balance long enough for Corbin to regain consciousness and fight back. He does so with a holy hand grenade* which requires that he also sacrifice himself. While Kellie looks on in horror. In the aftermath Kellie, in shock flies the plane on while her dog disturbingly goes into the back and snacks on the remains...

Thought

I mentioned in the past that my intention was to actually watch this one during my marathon on the 18th but I had to push it back. When I was going to watch it I realized being awake for nearly 48 hours really wasn't the optimal time to watch something I was going to have to write about, so I put it off. Plus I would have been putting it in directly after "The Haunting" (which fucking rocked!!) and I knew that there way no way it could hold up to that at all.

So like I said earlier I really wasn't sure what to expect going in, what I didn't expect was to very honestly not knowing exactly what to think as soon as the movie was over. There was a lot of campy coolness in there to be sure. At the same time there was some really confusing stuff.

I may be in the minority here but I was totally fine with the minimalist explanation of why the scarecrows existed. Just enough to understand and not enough to be convoluted

I really liked the idea during the first half of the movie where everyone was connected through the headsets so even when Bert was running around on his own there was commentary and interaction. I thought it worked really well especially as it mixed into the confusion with the messages from the scarecrows. That really made Bert's last moments much more intense.

One of the things that took me out of things a bit was the inconsistency of peoples moods. I suppose it could have been planned that way to show the severity of the situations but a lot of it just didn't make sense. A perfect example is when Kellie is brought back to the house after seeing her father she immediately attacks Roxanne and calls her a murderer and says that they all killed her father. Then in the next scene all of a sudden she is hugging Roxanne (her kidnapper) for comfort.

There were a few other small inconsistencies as well but most of them a lot smaller and less distracting so they are more nit picky than anything so they were easier to ignore. Except for another kind of annoying one that happened in the ending. First off I'll say that the ending to me was much better before the final radio narration. We didn't need as much closure as they gave us. Cutting away from Kellie and her feasting dog would have been a fantastically disturbing note to end on. Instead they told us exactly what happened, the plane landed and the first rescue party was mauled by the dog. Then they discovered Kellie strapped into her seat in shock. So...why didn't the dog attack Kellie? If the implication was that eating the dead scarecrow had somehow infected or maddened the dog why would he leave her be?

Verdict

I enjoyed my time with "Scarecrows." I really did, but not so much that I plan on going out of my way to spend more time with it. Though I really liked a lot of the concept behind it though so the sub-genre does intrigue me. And like I said there were things that I thought were really top notch, that headset idea really floored me.

We had our time and now we move on to bigger and better. It's not you Scarecrows, it's me.

Crap, now that I've mentioned it I really want to watch "The Haunting" again, I wish I hadn't returned it....

Oh well, until next time this is me saying Mahalo

Abridged Review: Cinematic Titanic: The Oozing Skull

2008-03-13T01:22:00.000-07:00

So a little explanation on this one first. What is "Cinematic Titanic?" It is a DVD series in the vein of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with a cast that is comprised of MST3k alums including original host Joel Hodgson. It isn't exactly like MST3k though, CT puts more focus on the actual movie, they don't break into it with skits etc..(though they do pause the movie on occasion for some silhouetted shenanigans).

Ok then so what about "The Oozing Skull." what is that? It's a horror flick from the 70's that was originally titled "Brain of Blood." Part of the deal that CT made when acquiring the rights was that they should re title the movie so as not to confuse merchandising. "Brain of Blood" is the type of movie that on it's own I could definitely see myself sitting down and watching (MST3K had a few of them as well, most notably "This Island Earth" from MST3K: The Movie).

Extremely brief overview of "The Oozing Skull/Brain of Blood"
The leader of Kalid, Amir, is dying. This is bad. But there is a chance for him by way of an experimental, and scoffed at by the medical community, brain transplant. As per usual that doesn't go exactly as planned. Instead of a normal healthy body Dr. Trenton must place Amir's brain into that of the Doctor's large deformed assistant. Amir's new body has unplanned and violent side effects on Amir's mind. On top of that Dr. Trenton has his own nefarious plans. Throw in an angry violent dwarf assistant, and a chained up woman in the basement and that about covers what you should expect!

So yeah the film on it's own is pretty awesome.

Now the "Cinematic Titanic" elements.
This is where I may upset some people. Before I start I'll say that I Love the concept and I really really want the franchise to succeed.

That being said I didn't love the experience as much as I had hoped. I did enjoy it.

The Good
Funny people getting together and talking funny about questionable movies, just a fun concept. The crew is great and clearly comfortable with this style of comedy.

As per usual with this kind of fare not every joke told will be a winner. But those that work do so extremely well. I'll admit that the Minnesotan accent killed me every time (which to be fair is the norm for me. Even when it is just family speaking with it.).

The Not So Good
Some of the jokes just came off a bit too contrived and practiced. Also the pace of them was at times just a little much. Take a breather guys!

The silhouetted look was reminiscent of MST3K though slightly tweaked. I didn't mind that, and the movement was nice. I wasn't so much a fan of the crane jokes that really slowed things down.

The biggest thing I think was that it just seemed like a stream of one liners in rapid succession as opposed to a running commentary.

Final Thoughts
What we have here in essence, nitpicking aside, is a few things. It's an interesting concept, a nostalgia inducing good time, an entertaining movie, and above all else a great start!

If you were to ask me my opinion on if you should pick this up or not I'd have no trouble telling you to run to the site and order yourself a copy. Small bumps aside it is a fun time. Also remember supporting this movie helps ensure the future of the series and the future potential here as I see it is huge!

FGFC: The Manitou

2008-02-26T00:04:00.000-08:00

So this could be interesting. As you know it is time once again for the Final Girl Film Club. This time it is “The Manitou” a movie that I was a little nervous about going in, but as you'll see in a minute that was all unfounded nervousness!

Normally I am able to keep some sort of order when talking about movies. That is because generally I write while watching. I have the memory of an etch-a-sketch, things leave quickly and if they remain they may not be exactly in order. Case in point I've been searching for the DVD of “The Manitou” for two days now. That sucker is gone, I suspect foul play of some sort...

I shall dub this Fuzzy Memory Theater-eater-eater...

The Basics
Karen (Susan Strasburg) has recently become afflicted with some sort of strange growth on her back. By growth I of course mean that she has started growing an evil medicine man on her back. She really would like to get rid of it (naturally). The medicine man however doesn't really want to go anywhere just yet. He conveys this by causing all kinds of fun havoc whenever an attempt is made to remove him. A Dr. cuts himself with a scalpel, and laser goes apeshit nutso, you know fun stuff like that.

Of course Karen didn't realize on her own that the growth was an evil medicine man, not even the baffled doctors could figure that one out on their own. The footwork was left up to close friend (ahem) of Karen and sham tarot card reading, robe wearing fake mustache sporting Harry (Tony Curtis). After an unfortunate (but AWESOME) incident with a client Harry realizes things really are serious. He enlists the help of a friend and fellow psychic type named Amelia (Stella Stevens), and Amelia's husband MacArthur (Hugh Corcoran). They attempt a Séance with ...mixed results. They still needed more answers, so a book lead them to search out and speak with Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith). Dr. Snow may be an authority on the subject, he may have a vast collection of ancient Indian artifacts books and information, he may have written books on it himself, but really he doesn't seem to believe in all of this jibber jabber. Still he does pass along some helpful knowledge ~~"eat lightning and crap thunder!”~~* based on their description.

Once they realize that it is not a tumor they are dealing with but an ancient Indian medicine man they realize that the only way to fight back is with some Indian magic of their own. That of course will require them to find a real life Indian to help them out. Queue John Singing Rock (Michael Ansara) who eventually agrees to help Harry out, for a price. John sheds some more light on the history of the medicine man and his resurrecting ways. He also teaches them about “The Manitou.” John attempts to use his magics to fight the medicine man before he is “born,” this of course angers the little guy.

Once the MM is born from Karen's back we find out that not only is he powerful but he is also pint sized. John has created a circle of power to trap the MM but it won't hold forever. It didn't, once the MM escapes he freezes the entire floor of the hospital, including a nurse! After an incident with an exploding typewriter we learn that even computer have manitou, souls, the power of these can be used to fight the MM. Unfortunately this would be “white man” magic and thus John Singing Rock is unable to call upon the power. Harry on the other hand is able to man up and call up the power! When he does all of the computers and gadgets lend the power of their souls in to help the fight. They do this by imbuing the now naked Karen with magical hand lasers. This leads to the naked Karen and the MM competing against each other in what I can only describe as a psychedelically charged game of Asteroids to the death!

Once the little fella is vanquished (for now) that is pretty much that. Karen is better, and happy with Harry. John Singing Rock is a little bit less racist against the white man, especially after Harry pays him his tobacco (and presumably is going to also honor the promise of cash) and I life goes on.

Thoughts
Honestly my first thought as the credits rolled was very simply “Holy crap that was freaking awesome!” Ok so in my head “crap” was replaced by “shit” and “freaking” by “fucking” but I keep things clean around here dammit so I can't say such things**...Anyway I really don't know where to begin. What didn't the movie have? I mean Indian magic, an all powerful midget, Tony Curtis playing dress up (I've been watching “Some Like it Hot” quite a bit lately so seeing him dressed up as a man was a nice change). Hell the movie even had an exploding typewriter.

To me it was really a lot like stepping onto a roller coaster of awesome. A great movie that doesn't bog you down with the drudgery of logic and believability. OK so not believable to us the viewer, but the important thing was it WAS believable to the character. Thats why it worked I think, they played it off just so cheerily right!

I don't know what else I can say, I just really had a great time with this one. Writer/director William Girdler, good on ya!

Notes I made while watching
Crap that fall was brutal...brutally awesome!***

If John didn't want “Mr. White Man's pleas” why exactly did pleading with work?

What good is a magical circle of holding if someone is just inevitable going to break the thing anyway?

Why they put Tony Curtis in that shirt that not only showcased his rack, but also his unfortunately rigid nipples?

What kind of jackass takes a little nap while he is supposed to be watching a magical and evil 400 year old medicine man who has just recently sprang whole from a tumor on a woman's back?

Did Harry really only pay John with 2 packets of tobacco? What was he going for the cheap bastard award or something?

* - wrong movie sorry, my bad.
** - this better help bump my blog up to an NC-17 rating or I'll kick, punch, and bloody that damn rating site!
*** - I overuse the word awesome, I'm sorry...

FGFC: "Suspiria"

2008-01-16T01:19:00.000-08:00

Ah yes here we are once again for the Final Girl Film Club a.k.a. the FGFC. I'm fashionably late for it again as a matter of fact. I have an excellent excuse though. You see I believe that all important things should be put off until the very last minute to ensure that you keep your ass on your toes while you are doing it. Any simp can do something when they have all the time in the world. The pressure of the approaching time line focuses, keeps ya sharp and fearful. So that was my plan, spend the final weekend before Monday preparing my thoughts. At least that was my plan until I got a call from a friend who had just snagged “Rock Band” for the weekend and my presence would be required as without me the rockage would be severely underpowered. Fear not though my abandon for responsibility didn't go unpunished, my lesson was learned by way of an errant drumstick to the face (Message received loud and clear!).

The plan was then changed to go hang out and rock out for the weekend and return home Monday morning to spend some time with the movie and Open Office. Sadly being a non driver I rely on the word of others for transportation, I have to make plans as I live in a place where even cabs won't go. Even sadlier (or sadder if you are boring) I know a lot of unreliable people who say they will show up at about noon but don't actually show up, with nary an explanation, until after 6.

So where was I? Oh yeah This time around the movie is “Suspiria” Let's roll!

...This is the part where I mention as usual I went into the movie knowing precious little about it etcetera etcetera...

The Abridged Story
So here is how it goes down.

A dancer,Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper), goes to study at a dancing academy in Germany. Unfortunately the trip turns out to be full of the bad.

For starters as soon as Suzy arrives in Germany she is greeted by terrible weather. Not only that but she has a lot of trouble catching a cab, even when she does finally get one to stop the cabbie is kind of a slapass. I mean come on man, the words she said were the same ones you said. Why couldn't you understand?

As soon as Suzy arrives at the academy she sees another student at the door talking to someone and making a quite hasty retreat. Following that Suzy is denied entrance and must crawl back into the ~~cash~~ cab and head elsewhere for the night.

We find out that the retreating girl has a name! Pat Hingle (Eva Axén), we find out she was kicked out of school but she really doesn't give a damn. But really whether or not she gives a damn makes no never mind as soon enough she is greeted by some Scooby-Doo eyes from outside the window just before a hand reaches through the window and Pat is treated to the good old smash, slash, stab, an hang treatment. The friend that Pat was staying with isn't left out either though, she gets the falling stained glass window shrapnel treatment. That old chestnut!

The next morning, back at the academy Suzy arrives gets to meet the creepy Miss Tanner (Alida Valli), the even creepier Madame Blanc (Joan Bennett), and the creepiest of them all the young blonde nephew of Madame Blanc, Albert (Jacopo Mariani).

Suzy is informed that her room isn't ready yet, but arrangements have been made for her to temporarily board with another student, Olga (Barbara Magnolfi). Suzy gets to meet Olga in the locker room before class, she also gets to meet Sara (Stefania Casini) whom she strikes up a friendship with.

This takes us to the scariest thing in the entire film. Olga's walls, holy black and white flower explosions!

Suzy starts piecing together what she heard Pat saying as she left the building the night before, well two words of it at any rate (so far).

Now that Suzy's room at the academy is ready Suzy decides that she prefers the power of the flower and she wants to stay with Olga instead. Blanc doesn't seem thrilled, but what can she do? Oh I don't know, how about having a member of the staff cast a little spelly spell on Suzy, how about that!

Now Suzy isn't feeling very well (damn that black magic) but Miss Tanner isn't hearing any of that noise, she wants to see Suzy dance. So dance Suzy does, poorly, I give it like a 4. I had to take away points for that whole passing out and bleeding from the nose and mouth that happened at the end.

When Suzy wakes up she finds out that; Miss Tanner would really like it if she would drink some water, she lost a lot of blood which need replenishing, shots hurt, and Olga didn't like the idea of bunking with a leper. On the plus side Suzy's new special diet does include wine, lots of wine.

So yeah, maggots falling from the ceiling? Gross! I think so, the girls think so. Unfortunately it can't be fixed until the next morning. The answer? A Pajama Jammy Jam in the dance hall!

A strange snoring is emanating from behind Suzy and Sara. Sara has heard it before, it comes from...the Directress! Dun DunDunnnnn

The next night Sara is in Suzy's room talking about the teachers walking at night. Suzy realizes it doesn't sound like they are leaving the school, They are walking away from the front door, not towards it!

Like a fool Suzy goes to Madam Blanc to talk about Pat's disappearance and if she knows anything about the words “secret” and “irises” which are the words that she is remembering from the night that Pat was killed. Blanc knows nuthink! So in her never ending pursuit of answers Suzy talks with Sara (this time in the pool). Sara reveals that the person Pat was talking to as she left the building that night, Sara was also the voice on the intercom sending Suzy away.

Sara was planning on sharing the notes on the teachers that she got from Pat with Suzy that night until they were stolen. So instead of discussing the notes she woke Suzy up to tell her how they had been stolen. Suzy is acting like she is drugged up sleepy and thus she is unable to answer when Sara asks her if she knows about witches.

Sara hears a noise and flees the room. Running the halls she is unable to find a place to hide until she finds the steps up to the attic area. In the attic the yellow eyes make a reappearance and nearly get Sara until she locks herself in a room. The lock on the door isn't very effective so an alternate escape must be made, as luck would have it there is a window. Tough luck though, the ground under the window is covered with a ton of razor (or is it barbed?) wire. Even worse luck Sara doesn't notice this fact until after she jumps directly into the middle of it. In a fit of the worst luck ever Sara is not only writhing around in the sharp wires but now she finds herself stabbed!

Back to Suzy, now awake, she can't seem to find Sara. Miss Tanner informs her that Sara snuck off in the night. Suzy obviously worried calls a friend of Sara's, Dr. Frank Mandell (Udo Kier), they make plans to meet and discuss.

Frank has spoken with Sara's family and they have no news. We learn that not only was he Sara's friend but he also was her psychiatrist in the past. Lately Sara had been concerned about some strange notions that she had been told. Notions about Madame Marcus, the founder of the academy who was a suspected witch. As Frank doesn't believe in witches much he introduces Suzy to Prof. Milius who has studied them extensively. He can answer her questions.

Once prompted Prof. Milius discusses Helena Marcus which leads to a discussion of covens and how to take them out (whacking the head witch Soprano's style baybee!).

In her room Suzy sees the Scooby-eyes peeking so naturally she opens the window to investigate. Bad move, a crazy bat flies in and makes with the attack. That is until the bat starts flying low to the ground so Suzy can cover it with a blanket and use her stool to create some mashed bad soup on the floor.

Once again hearing the footsteps going in the wrong direction Suzy decides enough is enough, she is going to investigate. She finds her way into a carpeted room, which explains why she can't hear footsteps beyond that point. This is another room with no exits other than the door she entered through...or is it? On the wall she spies three painted flowers, irises in fact. Another flashback reveals that Pat actually said “Three irises turn the blue one,” and she does which reveals a secret door. Jinkies!

In the door is a long long hallway at the end of which Suzy finds a room in which; Miss Tanner, Madame Blanc, Albert, and many others were discussing her. “She must die die die” exclaims Madame Blanc who then prays to Helena Marcus to give her the power (not of Grayskull).

Suzy turns around behind a curtain and finds the bloodied and slightly mutilated body of Sara. She doesn't really have time to freak out though as this is enemy territory so she still needs to hide. A quick duck through a door provides some cover, briefly. It turns out she is in Helena's bedroom, she hears that strange snoring and sees someone in the bed behind a curtain (lots of curtains in this place). Naturally a bit nervous Suzy knocks a lamp over which wakes up Helena.

Good new, Helena has been waiting for Suzy. Bad news when Suzy opens up the curtains there is nobody in the bed. Worse news, an invisible Helena starts taunting and warning Suzy about a meeting with the dead coming up very soon. Good news, Sara is back! Bad news, she is a knife wielding zombie. Good news, Helena isn't 100% invisible anymore and thus is once again stabable! Bad news, now that Helena is dead (along with the entire coven) the building is tearing apart.

Suzy makes a run for it and escapes just in time and walks off to live a full long happy life. Unless of course the authorities don't accept her explanation for all the deaths and destruction...but that is just my theory.

Helena would have gotten away with it all! If it wasn't for those meddling kids.....

Thoughts
First things first, the movie is visually beautiful. Even the grotesque images were done in a way that you couldn't help but admire them (in a manner). Many of the scenes had a look as if they could have easily been images plucked from the pages of a graphic novel somewhere, brilliant uses of light and color. The movie literally made me wish that I had a bigger TV and a better setup just so I could do what I was seeing justice.

I thought the dubbing was done quite well and for the most part seamlessly. I always find this kind of thing interesting, how insanely difficult would it be to get a story told when many of the actors are speaking different languages and don't understand each other. They really have to know the script and the director really needs to keep on his/her toes!

At first I thought the pacing was going a little slower than it should but as the movie progressed it started feeling really right, for the most part. Where as early on it seems to be taking a slight bit more time than it needed to the ending, though good, flew by a little too quickly.

As I said, the ending was good. Its just, the showdown between Suzy and Helena went by so quickly that it almost became anticlimactic. The visuals were awesome though, the energy outlining Helena giving Suzy a target looked really good and the undead knife wielding Sara looked awesome! I feel sorry that she didn't get her chance to attempt to make with the stabby.

The main weak point again surrounds Helena. Or the lack of her. There is a very well thought out back story for her, unfortunately it is all brought up at once fairly late in the movie. There were a few hints and whispers early on but not enough for me, or at least not clear enough. A few more bits of her story should have been dropped throughout the early parts so that when Suzy finally does talk to Dr. Mandel and Prof. Milius and gets the whole story it is more of a putting together of things we know instead of a lot of new information to remember.

Final Thoughts
While I wouldn't call “Suspiria” perfection I would call it a very good movie and a great time. It is a little bit like watching insanity unfold, but in a good way. It held up extremely well to multiple viewings, especially the visuals.

“Suspiria” was a great introduction into this type of film and I can't wait to dive back in and see what else an be found!

In other news
People whose names start with an S are sssssnakessss ...Discuss.

FGFC: "The Hand"

2007-12-05T23:27:00.000-08:00

Wow is it really time for another Final Girl Film Club pick already? Actually it is, no wait that isn't right let me try that again. Actually it WAS. Yep the 3rd was the due date. But I can't be held down by society's rules man! Besides, somehow I managed to convince myself that the due date was the 5th. That being that the plan was to get this done on the 4th and pretend that I was somewhat reliable and almost on the ball. Then I realized, nah why start being responsible now? Besides sending getting this done today (the 5th) really sends a message out to “the man.” That message is I'll not conform to you man! At least not until I train myself to use a to do list....

Since I didn't have the movie in front of me while writing I'll be skipping the play by play. Sadly my memory betrays me when I don't have the flick playing. I could attempt it but about two paragraphs in it would start to morph from “The Hand” into a mixture of “Serenity”, “Clerks”, “Cannibal the Musical”, and “Rudy.” Which incidentally is a script I am planning on pitching to all of the Hollywood fat cats some day.

So, where was I? Oh yeah. This month the pick was The Hand. Another flick from that gem of a year 1981. In DnD terms being created in 1981 automatically makes this a Movie +3.

As usual I went in knowing precious little about the plot. Only that it involved a severed hand, death, and a young Michael Caine. This left quite a bit to my imagination. In my head I had taken Think from “The Addams Family” and mixed him with Ash's hand from the “Evil Dead” flicks and hit puree. So I was surprised when they went with more story than gore-ey.

...ughh can we all just pretend that I didn't type that last part?

And onto random scattered blathering thoughts that crept out of my caffeine deprived skull.

The Good

The effects. What is up with the awesome creepy effects that came out of 81? I've seen movies with large budgets from the last year or two who couldn't compete with the creepiness of the crawling hand in “The Hand” and my God what the hell was up with the brutal severing of the hand in the first place?

Michael Caine was great. I can't stress that enough. I've always enjoyed his work. Shamefully I haven't seen as much of it as I would like so it was great for me to see him actually leading a movie. Even if his younger look did remind me of some sort of creepy cross between Eric Idle and Gene Wilder (Admit it you saw it too, didn't you? Didn't you?!?). Physical appearance aside Caine was just great and he was forced to do his work. Was there an emotion he didn't have to go through here?

That hand flying off gets my newly created “Fuck that moment of the movie” award. Because seriously, losing your hand (and in turn your career) in that manner...fuck that!

How great is the phrase “Silly cow” when referring to a poor driver that is annoying you? Or anyone for that matter. I think I'll start using it. At least until the first punch is thrown.

Plot and character development? Gotta say I wasn't expecting as much of it as I got, and that is a good thing.

OK, this maybe over sharing a bit but I think you all can take it. I really really enjoy off the wall semi-inappropriate art. Were I the type to plaster my walls with framed paintings and sketches those would be the type I would go for. Off the wall, ya know what I mean? Well the sketch that Jon(or the hand) sneaks into Stella's sketch book totally fits the bill! I'm kicking my own ass for forgetting to grab a screen shot of it. Well I'm not kicking it yet, but once I'm done writing here I'm totally taking myself out back and beat the stuffing out of myself. But yeah anyway I loved the sketch, quite disturbingly awesome.

The less than good

This is a personal one and not really a knock on the movie technically but... I have a real aversion to adultery, even in movies. It just rubs me the wrong way and inspires that creepy look away not having fun feeling. Consequently I hated Bill immediately and nearly as quickly I started really hating Anne.

So that may have helped, but really I couldn't get into Anne at all as a character. Other than the daughter is there any reason Jon should like her? Again I say Ugh.

Final Thoughts

I bring up again Michael Caine. “The Hand” doesn't work without him. He worked his butt off and what could have come across as half assed and forgettable he really made it work.

I jump on and off the Oliver Stone bandwagon, I either really like or really dislike is stuff usually. I'm putting “The Hand” down in the “W” column for him. Also from now on because of this movie I am now reserving the right to refer to Stone as a “dirty bum” anytime I choose. I'll make sure to use the term anytime that “Alexander” crosses my path.

But above all my total final thought is; Whatever rambling I've done here does not do the movie justice. In the right frame of mind I decry “The Hand” a movie that you really really should at least rent.

1981: Still rockin' and rollin' struttin' and strollin'!

No don't ask my why that last phrase came to my mind because I don't know. I also don't know how the picture of the toy Rocker's worked it's way into the end here, so let's all just smile and pretend not to notice them OK?

Boomer Sooner

Askewed Review (supersized) Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

2007-11-16T20:33:00.001-08:00

*Edit*Slight format switch this time around. Since my “The Basics” synopsis ran unendingly long “Way too long” I have moved it to the bottom, that way it is easier to ignore should you wish. */Edit*

It all started a week ago. Where during her regular “Final Girl: Awesome Movie Poster Friday” Stacie Ponder put up a special Adrienne Barbeau poster list. That list can be found Here, as you'll notice among the ranks of the posters is a landscaped gem for Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. Well I don't know about you but that is a title that I certainly can't pass up. Upon further inspection I realized not only was the title impossible to ignore but the movie also stars one of my all time favorites Shannon Tweed.

So armed with this knowledge and a Netflix account at my fingertips my decision was made. “Easy Rider” was pushed back a week and “Cannibal Women” was added to the top of the heap. Then the wait started. I of course used my time wisely. I spent a night or two with Guitar Hero 3, another night watching “Cannibal: The Musical” with the commentary track on(An experience nearly deserving it's own post), some podcasts were listened to, I re watched all of the episodes of “The Guild” starting here, I kicked back with some Cheap Trick... But mostly I just spent my time cursing the slowness of the mail.

When the red envelope finally did appear in my PO box it was nestled between two other red envelopes (“Oceans 13” and “Enterprise: Season 1 Disc 1” ....don't ask). Needless to say I was ready. What did I find?

Well let's find that out together....
Warning, I spoil almost EVERYTHING.

..I say “almost” because in this post I never mention the part about Bunny's red rope licorice fetish

....shit....never mind.....

My Thoughts
It is no secret that I'm a big fan of the B-movie scene. Or as I like to call it, 3am cinema. I also like parody, and I'm a sucker for movies with a thinly veiled message...Well two out of three.

“CWitAJoD” isn't exactly a B-movie, it is more of an homage to them, which is good. They also mix in a bit of parody, not so much of the B's but of other movies and genres. This also is good, when done right. Which I believe it was. The 2001 bit with the beer in place of the monolith was great for me.

It also turns out that behind the absurd storytelling there is a bit of a message. You can apply it to many situations, but the example they use is radical feminism (obviously). I mean the entire flick is about trouble caused by a group of man eaters, and men's inability to deal with strong women, gender roles, stereotypes, etc... So the message, at least the message I got. Extremism...bad. Equality...good.

Maybe you'll get something else out of the movie than I did, or maybe I just put too much thought into it.

Does the movie work? For me hell yeah it does!

Bill Maher was cheesy believable as a clumsy bullheaded macho dweeb. Shannon Tweed was, well she was Shannon Tweed, a little stiff in her portrayal of Dr. Hunt, but it worked great. Especially when paired up with the valley girl-like constantly happy blissfully ignorant ways of the attached at the hip Bunny.

Sadly I'm not as familiar or friendly with Adrienne Barebeau's body of work as I should be (yes my head is lowered in shame at this very moment). But I can certainly see why people love her based on her time as Francine Kurtz, honestly she acted the hell outta that part. While I enjoyed everyone Else's work in the movie Barbeau actually shined with her serious take on Dr. Kurtz, which is good because..well Francine was VERY serious about what she was doing so it translated well.

Final thoughts

Will you like this movie? Maybe, maybe not. I'm not 100% that I “liked” it, but I enjoyed the heck out of it (twice). I say it give it a shot. What have you got to lose? Only 90 minutes.

On the flip side I did notice that there is a LOT of exposition in the film. Talk talk talk, it isn't out of place but for action heads I can see where that could be an issue. But the plus to this minus is that all of the main characters have unique voices and ideals that are very easy to pick up on.

It is most definitely worth a shot if you are of the Elvira's Movie Macabre, or the MST3k camp (I just know that Crow would LOVE this movie).....I wish I had three robot friends.

Just for the love of God, whatever you do, when you sit down to view this movie make sure you put your head in the right place. Don't be all serious, don't expect an Oscar. I may not drink but I can certainly sense a beer movie when I see one. So if you partake do yourself a favor, grab a couple, grab a friend, hit play an go forth into the magical land of ....cannibalism and khaki.

The ~~Basics~~ Story
It is a normal day at work for Dr. Margo Hunt (Shannon Tweed), she is teaching her Feminist Studies class at Spritzer College, answering strange questions from a bubbly student, Bunny (Karen Mistal), questions like “is there a feminist cooking class?” Yep normal day all around that is until a surprise visit from a couple of military types. They explain to Margo that the U.S. is in the middle of an emergency. It seems that they are low on the precious resource that is the avocado.

That means an excursion into the Avocado Jungle. Unfortunately an ancient feminist tribe lives within the jungle and they don't like trespassers. The tribe is of course the cannibal women, or as they all themselves the Piranha Women. The government has already attempted to take the jungle by force. This ended in catastrophe when a pile of guacamole covered dog tags were left at the jungle's edge. The military, now desperate tells Margo that they don't wish to harm the Piranha Women. They just want the precious avocados. They would like Dr. Hunt as a feminist, to go into the jungle and negotiate with the women. They have even set aside a reservation in Malibu that the Piranha Women can be moved into, all their needs will be taken care of they'll even let them continue with their strange rituals, after all “That's the problem of the Piranha men” not them.

Margo decides that she will go into the jungle. By “decides” what I mean I she was blackmailed by threat of removed government funding from Spritzer. But she is also curious to find out what has become of the last feminist anthropologist to enter the jungle. A Dr. Francine Kurtz, internationally known author of the book“Smart Women, Stupid Insensitive Men.”

After a quick stop off at the teaching supplies desk to pick up a knife, some climbing rope, a revolver and a thousand rounds of ammunition among other things Dr. Hunt is off to find a guide and enter the jungle, but not before picking up a tag along in the form of Bunny.

Where do you find a guide for such a trip? Why in a bar on the outskirts of the jungle of course. A bar in a little town known as San Bernardino. Margo and Bunny interview three potential guides; Anvil, a Vietnam vet with no problem blowing anything in his way up. Bushido, the worlds greatest ninja...seems to need some work in the shuriken department. And The Black Masked Avenger, world renowned professional wrestler and body builder. He can bend steel and chew on the end! Sadly every one of the potentials flees at the mention of the Avocado Jungle. Probably a smart move!

This leaves poor Margo with but one choice. Jim (Bill Maher), a klutzy, mouthy, chauvinistic ex-one night stand of Margo's who just happens to be at the right bar at the right time. Naturally Margo would prefer to go without a guide but she needs him. After all she has no idea how to survive in the jungle.

Neither does Jim really, but he does have a survival guide to the Avocado Jungle, a paperback that is now out of print. Reluctantly Margo agrees to hire Jim on as a guide, but only after he reduces his reasonable $25,000 fee down to a minuscule $50 plus expenses...I wish he would have pulled out the old “but now you're robbin' me!” line.

Very quickly a few things are revealed. Bunny has a crush on Jim, Jim can't read a map, Margo has a long history of relationship issues, yadda yadda.

Eventually the group finds an old abandoned boat (The all knowing Jim has a story about that as well) and they move from land to water. Eventually the group find themselves under an attack of sorts. They were accosted by knitted potholders and doilies. Well maybe not an attack...apparently it was an offering. Gifts from the Donnahews, a subservient group of men that live in the jungle, make baked good and knit things as offerings to the Piranha Women in exchange for the women not eating them. A fair trade I feel.

A group of subservient sniveling wimpy men? To Jim this just doesn't compute. While the women sleep Jim attempts to evolve the men. Enter man's best friend BEER. There was some bonding, some teaching, some grunting, and many many cans of beer. So much beer that Jim finds himself a bit unconscious. Pffft lightweight.

So now Bunny who can't sleep decides to come ask for a nice cup of hot chocolate. Apparently the impenetrable walls of the tent don't allow her to hear the ruckus outside! Before she knows what is happening Jim's teaching takes effect and the Donnahews pounce. No, pounce is the wrong word. They sort of drunkenly lumber and mumble towards her eventually overtaking her. Luckily Margo has miraculously heard all of this and is out to make the save with her trusty gun. BANG BANG and the Jim Clones scatter.

Jim's response to his teachings nearly causing a gang rape...He's sorry that the boys got out of line, but at least it was encouraging to see them taking a healthy interest in the opposite sex. Yep...healthy, I don't think I can defend Jim on this one. I mean any simp knows that when you are trying to change the ideals of an entire group of peoples the first thing you do is make sure they know that rape=bad.

Lunchtime rolls around, Margo isn't happy. She's sick of Guacamole. I would be to. Jim gloats , after all he did mention earlier that within a few days she would be begging for a Burger King. That's when it happens. Margo gives Jim a look, he catches it and realizes “....You want to eat me!”. And she did, but only for a single weak moment.

Margo decides that the jungle is getting to them so they need to turn tail and beat it. Too late though, the Piranha women have found them. When Margo mentions the name Dr. Kurtz the Piranha Women take the group back to their temple. The temple itself shows a remarkably advanced architectural style. Jim thinks it looks like a big Lego. I think it looks more like a Duplo.

Jim and Margo discover the pool filled with actual piranha in the courtyard when Dr. Francine Kurtz emerges from the temple. Good timing as she really seems to have a thing for those piranha.

As it turns out when she was captured the Piranha Women christened her their new empress. A powerful and wise empress she turned out to be, she was even able to lead the jungle women to their successful defense against the military (remember that from earlier?). Not only did the soldiers have to die, but they were delicious to boot!

Kurtz offers Hunt the chance to join the tribe. She also reveals that There is no avocado shortage. Actually the U.S. has too many of the things (I agree, yuck!). Francine is also aware of the Malibu offer, She is also aware of the subscriptions to Cosmo, the group of Mary Kay saleswomen, and the ultimate plan of eliminating the Piranha Women cultural assimilation!....What anthropologist would agree to those terms? None that's who...not even Margo.

Still Dr. Hunt refuses to join. Kurtz has no choice. She must have Margo thrown into the piranha pool. Bunny on the other hand has no problem killing and eating a man to become part of the tribe, as long as she gets one of those cute outfits. This revelation gives Jean-Pierre (Margo's would be sacrifice) a chance to cause a ruckus escaping his chains and helping Margo get out of the temple. Jim isn't so lucky. He is to be Bunny's sacrifice. They even marinate him! Yeesh, I thought that the guacamole looked bad.

On the run from the Piranha Women Margo is rescued by another tribe of jungle women. The Barracuda Women of the Avocado Jungle. You see thousands of years ago the Piranha Women and the Barracuda Women were as one, but they split up and have been at war because of a very fundamental argument....The Piranha Women cook and eat their men with guacamole dip. The Barracuda Women disagree with this practice heartily. They believe they should be eaten with clam dip. I'm still going to take a pass on seconds.

Margo leads the Barracuda Women to the temple to make a rescue attempt for her friends. Along the way she discusses with their leader a plan to help reunite the tribes by way of a council comprised of equal representatives from each group to get together bi-weekly to discuss their issues. I hope that they use tiki torches for their voting!

Once inside the temple Margo stumbles across Dr. Kurtz's field notes, and an outline for a book she is writing.

Meanwhile Jim is weighing the pros and cons of his current situation, “She's going to make love to me, that's good. Then she's going to eat me, thats bad. ...Why can't I ever have a completely good day?” Bunny is getting ready for her initiation by being washed and having her hair dyed for the occasion.

At the last minute Jim is able to use his wiles to make Bunny change her mind. She realizes that she can't kill him...she loves him (awwwww). This displeases Dr. Kurtz and as usual she sentences them to death by being dumped in the pool of piranha. She must really love feeding those fish.

Before the feeding can go down Margo returns. A little late I feel. If not for luck at this point Bunny would be enjoying a serving of Jim by now wouldn't she?

Well no matter Margo is here now, and she is challenging Dr. Kurtz to a duel. A duel for the title of empress of the Piranha Women. Apparently that is how you take over, who knew? Kurtz can't refuse the request and the fight ensues.

During the fight Margo takes the opportunity to discuss Francine's plans of exploiting her time with the Piranha Women in a tell all book. Kurtz denies it all (of course).

Margo has Kurtz beat, but shes no killer she doesn't make the killing strike. Instead Francine steps the blade impaling herself (Ouch!). After some confessing some tears and keeping everyone at a distance Francine decides to fling herself into the Piranha tank “Oh the humanity!, the humanity!!” I guess she really was serious about feeding the lil guys.

Back to civilization. Margo makes a trip to Malibu to visit her military contacts. She informs them of what she has learned. She also informs them that the jungle women will not be moving any time soon. Now it is Margo's turn to make with the strong arming. She insists on a very generous donation to her university. If they don't deliver she'll take her story to the talk show circuit and let the world know the truth!

Bunny and Jim on the other hand decide no more fighting for them. In fact they plan to get married, but only if Dr. Hunt gives her OK. Bunny sure doesn't want to disappoint Margo. Luckily Margo won't be alone. She has convinced Jean-Pierre to leave the jungle life and come to the city to pursue an education.

And that my friends is the ending to one of the most beautiful stories you'll ever know! Well OK it was a story.

Kudos to you dear friends if you have read through my ramblings all the way down to this point. You must either really like me, or really dislike yourself. Either way to you I say Mahoalo

FGFC: "Eyes of a Stranger"

2007-11-05T00:23:00.000-08:00

Well it's that time again, time for the Final Girl Film Club. This time around the movie is ”Eyes of a Stranger”. Another flick from that magical year 1981, a year which brought us....wait I've already named off quite a bit of awesome that has come from 81 in previous posts...Still since I brought the year up ”An American Werewolf in London”...I'm just sayin, check it out would ya?

So ”Eyes of a Stranger” What to say? Well I had a tough time getting it from Netflix for a while but eventually a couple of weeks ago it actually did show up at my door which was cool. Then I watched it and was all ready to get this written down and put away to post well in advance. Sadly once I watched it and sat down I realized that I had nothin'. I sent the movie back and thought about it some more in the back of my mind, all the time planning on being able to sit down and write out something smart, something sexy, something relevant. That never happened, instead I spent the last week in an incredible amount of pain which culminated in a tooth being pulled, pain meds being distributed and me renting the movie from a local BB so that I could this time put something down(preying that the medicine induced haze help color my words)

I'm not sure if I've succeeded, but if I failed miserably at least I can blame the dentist this time (You hear that Doogie dentist? If this sucks I'm blaming you...you and your impossibly young image)

The Basics

Miami, normally a nice warm sunny happy place to live suddenly finds itself the unfortunate host to a serial killer/rapist(John DiSanti). The killing is really just the end result of the killer, Stanley Herbert's activities. First he stalks his victims, then he uses the telephone to terrorize them even going as far as to telling them what he is going to do to them, and then finally he makes with the face to face(or belt to neck, same diff...right?).

Stanley thinks he is being pretty slick about his business but what he doesn't know is local television news anchor, Jane Harris(Lauren Tewes) is suspicious of him. he witnessed him pulling into their apartment complex's parking garage one evening in a bloody shirt and changing into a clean one before heading upstairs. Jane, who has been pretty vocal and a tad overzealous about the story while reporting on the news decides not to take her own advice. She embarks on her own personal investigation of Stanley.

Jane's investigation eventually leads to danger not only for Jane, but also Tracy(Jennifer Jason Leigh), Jane's deaf and blind sister.

What works for me

First and foremost the best thing for me all around in this flick was the work of Jennifer Jason Leigh. Not only was she believable as being deaf and blind. But she also managed to convey a bit of the disconnectedness that her character most likely would have had from the trauma that led to her handicap. This was mainly done during the scenes with Stanley where even though she was incredibly scared for herself she also was distant, her face blank much of the time.

One thing that could have gone either way but ultimately ended up on the good side of the coin for me was Stanley himself, ridiculous name aside of course. At times in the genre it seems like every killer is out for revenge, or has a destiny, or something of the like, but not Stanley. Stanley proves pretty quickly that the only reason he does what he does is because he is a real dick. The phone calls prove that. Then later on he really proves it in one of the flicks more suspenseful scenes as he plays head games with an unknowing Tracy.

And yes I'll jump on the bandwagon and say “Sorry, but your party is dead....” is an awesome tagline!

stuff that didn't quite work for me

So Jane is quite adamant about anyone who notices anything suspicious should inform the police while he is on camera but once she starts noticing things herself she decides to take things into her own hands?

Of course who could blame her as another thing that really bugs me in these movies happened here as well. There is a serial killer on the loose, the news is warning people to inform the police if anything is happening. Inevitably the killer starts harassing someone who subsequently calls the police only to be told “it's probably nothing” by the voice on the other end of the line. Maybe someone should write a movie where all of the 911 operators who get canned for being clearly inept band together and go on their own killing spree.

What was up with strip clubs in the 80s? Was this an accurate portrayal? I so why do clubs still exist today? Good lord both dancers that were shown in the movie were painful and the opposite of sexy, but the interesting part is they both reached this same road by two very separate paths...The booze back then must have been dynamite!

How many times has a quote very similar to the following been used to explain someone's ill advised antics in a movie? “I made a promise to myself that I would never let anything happen to Tracy ever again”.

Confusing Outcome

Ok so when Tracy was younger she was kidnapped and traumatized which left her deaf and blind. They weren't physical problems which means they were mental, ok got that. So then when Stanley nearly rapes Tracy it jolts her eyes and ears back into working.

...so where does that leave these series of events for Tracy? I mean yeah it was bad for all of the other victims, but Tracy survived and in the long run is better for it. Doesn't that mean that in the end she and her sister Jane can't very well wish that it had never happened?

Final Thoughts

In the end “Eyes of a Stranger” left me with a very much “been there done that” feeling. There was very little new ground broken. With the exception of the Stanley/Tracy scene I didn't find anything truly intense.

It wasn't bad but at the same time I wouldn't go so far as to proclaim it as good either, all in all this comes down to a mediocre slasher film with a fantastic performance by Jennifer Jason Leigh, a few good effects, one slightly cool head in the fish aquarium gag, an awesome tagline, and very little else.

My verdict? Watch it if you are awake at 2am and you see it on HBO, but don't go out of your way to pick it up because you can do much better. '81 has a lot of real classics but this ain't one of em.

I'm just sayin

FGFC: "The Burning"

2007-10-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

So the FGFC pick this time around is ”The Burning” a movie from the magical time of 1981. When you think about it some pretty awesome things happened in '81: “The Greatest American Hero” debuted, MTV was launched, “Halloween II” graced the silver screen, the IBM 5150 was released, “Evil Dead” came out, Julia Stiles, Amy Lee, and Natalie Portman were all born, and “An American Werewolf in London” was released....I think something else happened in '81 but I can't seem to remember what it is. Anyway getting back on track, as you can see “The Burning” had quite a bit to live up to.

The beginning a.k.a. What happens before the running around and slicing

As the movie starts we see Camp Blackstone where a group of young campers are planning on giving the camp Janitor Cropsy a bit of a scare. Apparently Cropsy isn't a very nice person and as such these kids take it upon themselves to break into his cabin while he sleeps and place an actually really creepy looking, worm ridden, waxy, severed head, with candles in it's eyes next to his bed. The prank works a little too well, Cropsy does in fact get scared...he gets so scared that he bats the head off of the shelf onto his bed where it promptly sets fire to him. As he jumps and runs around he knocks over his handy can of gasoline and the fire really takes off. After a quick fiery jog Cropsy makes with the stop and roll all the way down a hill into the river.

One week later at St. Catherine's Hospital we find out that Cropsy has survived, but he is burned badly “A fuckin' big mack...overdone” as he is described by a hospital employee.

Cut to five years later Cropsy is finally being discharged and the Doctors parting advice is that he let go of the anger towards the kids that did this.

After a brief stabby tryst with an unfortunate lady of the night it is time for Cropsy to return to Camp Blackstone to exact his revenge!

Thoughts

I wanted to love “The Burning” I really did which in retrospect may have been my problem. See I don't dislike much about the movie but at the same time not much really stands out as particularly awesome either. The overall atmosphere of the movie seems right, some decently tense moments, some fun camp stuff, pretty much the usual and not much else.

There were a couple of things that bothered me or I found strange for some reason or the other. One of them being when Todd and the kids are sitting around the campfire and Todd told the story of the “legend of Cropsy.” Since Todd was one of the kids directly responsible for burning Cropsy it seemed inappropriate for him to be using that story for entertainment. I could see if one of the kids told it as a scary story and Todd had sat uncomfortably or something but... The other thing that bugged me a bit was the character development. For the most part the campers who were killed I really wasn't all that involved with. For that matter I don't believe I was surprised even once by a slaying, they all came about fairly obviously. In fact I was more surprised by who all survived than anything.

As far as highlights go, I'll probably get a lot of flack for this one but I thought it was pretty cool to see a young Jason Alexander in a much different style role. Sure he was a bit cheesy, but actually that is what made him believable. I mean haven't we all met that kind of smart assed, sometimes funny guy who seems to be able to get along with everyone?

In the end I would have to say that it was worth watching once but in the future I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it again. If I am craving a summer camp slasher I'll be putting in “Sleepaway Camp”, or the old standard “Friday the 13th” part whatever. It hurts me to have to say that for me “The Burning” makes my thumbs point towards the middle...Or it would if I used my thumbs as a movie rating system.

Abridged Review: The Condemned

2007-09-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

It should be no secret at this point that from time to time I do enjoy watching a movie that is...shall we say not an award winner. Sometimes I just like a big ol' actiony-blowup-FU-athon. Which is exactly what I was expecting when I popped “The Condemned” into my DVD player. What I ended up with was a movie full of potential that fell quite short of my expectations. This is a total shame because I had really high hopes for ”Stone Cold” Steve Austin. A man who I believe has the talent to make the switch to main stream entertainment ala The Rock.

So what went wrong? There was plenty of back story which wasn't even laid out all that terribly but this isn't a storyline kinda movie now is it? Is it?? No, this is an action packed fight to the death on a remote island type of movie. That's all the story you need to know! But like I said the “story” stuff I didn't have a problem with. I only expected it to set up the carnage, which it did. THAT is where things come took a bit of a dive.

Take note, this is a WWE film. What does that mean? Well to me it means that the one thing that they should be able to have done right in a movie is the fight scenes, I mean hell one the companies main job is basically filming fight scenes. So why they allowed director Scott Wiper to film all of the fighting scenes in the style of someone holding a camera while falling down Springfield Gorge we will probably never know. I want to see some blood laden, sweat dripping, swear inducing fights, I don't want to succumb to motion sickness. On top of that it most of the “contestants” ended up eating it in the exact same way. Using the C4 laden ankle bracelet to kill one or possibly two of the competitors would have been fine, I don't even mind the bit at the end, but come on enough with the boom boom already. Although I guess I shouldn't be that upset about the use of the C4, after all if everyone had been finished off in a unique and entertaining way I may have missed it, what with the camera's doing the constant gymnastics during those scenes and all.

Just a few other smaller gripes I had. Since he is the star of the movie how about giving Steve Austin a little bit more to say and do. I know they angle they went with for the character was he didn't talk about himself (or anything really) but it seems like he could have had more, everything he says doesn't have to be some sort of catch phrase.

In the end I'm glad I watched it just to say that I did but in the future when I'm craving something of this sort I'll stick with Battle Royale.

FGFC: "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon"

2007-07-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

Ah another month and another Final Girl Film Club review.

So...

What would you get if you put “Halloween” and “This Is Spinal Tap” in a blender and slapped the puree button¹ ? An ungodly mess of chopped up tape and plastic all over the place...you really need to remember to put the lid on those blenders. If instead you just took the ideas behind the two movies and mixed them together then you may end up with something resembling “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon.”

As is fast becoming my tradition with the FGFC selections I went into this one fairly blind. I read no reviews and only barely looked at the synopsis on Blockbuster's site as I added it to my queue....which by the way ended up being wasted effort as I couldn't get it sent, long wait they said! I think this is another tradition in the Film Club...tracking down a copy of the movie. Worry not though, two honest to god B&M Blockbuster visits later I had a copy of the movie in my hands. Let me just say that it was totally worth the effort.

¹ I'm sure that I am totally the first person ever to make that comparison...I'm so clever!

The Basics

Leslie Vernon (Nathan Baesel) is a man who takes pride in his chosen career. So much so that he allows a grad student, Taylor Gentry(Angela Goethals) and her documentary crew to follow him around as he makes the preparations and gets himself ready for his big night. This all seems normal and good until you take into account that Leslie Vernon's “Big Night” is all about him solidifying his status as a legend along the likes of , Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers.

Yep you heard me right, in a world where “Nightmare”, “Friday”, “Halloween”, etc... are real events Leslie wants to solidify his name and legend up on the list. Not only that but he also wants to show the world just how he achieves this massive accomplishment.

What works for me

How awesome is that? The flip side of a horror movie, screw following the victim around all they do is normal everyday thing until the action starts. This time we get to follow the killer around and see as he......does everyday things until the action starts. What?

All joking aside the idea is just fresh enough to work. Not only that but the movie is able to simultaneously pay homage and poke fun at slasher films (sometimes in the same breath) and do it in a respectful way, that makes me happy.

The pacing of the movie was done really well, about two thirds of the movie were spent in the “set-up” stage while the last third was spent playing out the actual execution (pun only semi-intended(unless it was hilarious, then it was totally intended(if it wasn't funny at least this set of multiple parentheses are(right?)))) of the plans.

Leslie himself was actually (for the most part) a likable character, which given the circumstances and his intentions is quite disturbing in itself. He came off as for the most part playful and happy, like anybody might be if they were doing their dream job and making their greatest wishes come true. He of course also had his dark side, his quirks, his eccentricities if you will. But really other than his ultimate goal of manslaughter(teenslaughter) on a grand scale he wasn't so terribly unusual.

Maybe it is just the fact that I recently have been going through a lot of very good classic slashers for the first time (Halloween, Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th Part 2, Last House on the Left, among others) but I really had a good time picking out all of the references that were all over the place. Let's not forget that there were some impressive cameos as well! In fact one of my favorite references was combined with an awesome cameo. That would be Zelda Rubinstein appearing as librarian Mrs. Collinwood(Last House on the Left reference of course). By the way if there is anyone out there who doesn't enjoy a good Zelda Rubinstein cameo please let me know who you are so I can make sure that you get a punch in the crunch(I'm not sure where “the crunch” is, but I'm sure it is painful).

Speaking of Cameo's how great was it to see both Freddy and Jason in a movie together again? Even if they didn't share any screen time, and one of them was only fleeting...still, cool!

Lastly and most importantly. Any movie that is in any way, shape, or form made in, around, or about Oregon is automatically 3.141592653% more awesome.

Final Thoughts

Final thoughts? As I said I really dug this movie, I've recommended it to my horror loving friends already. But still every rose has it's ...not so rose-like side to it and as such “Behind the Mask” wasn't perfect.

I would have liked some more time with Doc Halloran, he could have been a more major player with a much better background if they had found the time to squeeze it in. Plus honestly, how great would it be to see Robert Englund take a more active role in fighting off a psychopath?

While I'm complaining about characters..and be careful here cause so far I haven't been very spoilerish, but I might tread on that water here. Early on Taylor confused me a bit, I could never tell if she was morally ambiguous(like many of todays “infotainment” reporters seem to be) or just naive. One minute while interviewing Leslie she seems to be appalled at his murderous plans, the next she is running out to the library parking lot and jumping for joy with him because his plan of killing the librarian not only went ahead as planned but netted him his “Ahab”. Which is it? Are you sickened by the death, or does it thrill you? ...Why was Killing Mrs. Collinwood ok but killing two coital teenagers is crossing a line?

The twist ending was obvious, but pulled off well. When I think about it actually I realize that without the twist the ending would have been really boring. I mean we had already seen hims “plans” in a flash forward sense, so something had to be changed....Still, a little bit more effort to hide what the plans were at least during the beginning would have been fine with me.

In the end the only real complaint I can make. The only thing that truly irked and bothered me to the core of my soul is Leslie's insistence on using the term “Survivor Girl.” While that term may or may not be industry correct I think we all know the truth. The term is “Final Girl” dammit!

Friday the whatnow?

2007-07-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

Before I go any further I would like to mention I had originally intended to get this done and up by the actual Friday the 13th so I could participate in the awesome Final Girl Friday the 13th Blog-a-Thon. Unfortunately due to a series of unfortunate incidents (probably not involving Jim Carrey) I wasn't able to make deadline...

That doesn't mean I'm just going to roll over and be silent. In fact this is going to be quite rant-ish! You see I watched “Friday the 13th” for the first time last week. Yep I said first time. Some day maybe I'll tell you about how I was tortured with horror movies when I was younger and so only now in my 26th year of life have I seen both “Halloween” and “Friday the 13th” for the first time....I still haven't watched “A Nightmare on Elm Street”.

So, onto “Friday.” I'm skipping my regular(boring) semi-review, we all know whats up here. Bad stuff happened at a camp a long time ago, camp is about to reopen, bad stuff happens again, yadda yadda yadda. Right? ...Though if I were doing my review I would mention how I was very pleasantly surprised that this was a “Holy shit there is a psycho killing people” movie instead of a “Holy shit there is a supernatural psycho killing people” movie.

Instead I am just going to point out the one scene that blew my mind in a bad way¹....

Picture it, you are in a cabin on a dark rainy night with nothing to do, it is decided a game is to be played, someone grabs Monopoly and hauls it over. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere Alice exclaims “I hate Monopoly”....Really Alice, hate? You hate Monopoly? Are you even an American...no screw that are you even a human? Hate Monopoly??? Do you hate the flag and puppies as well? I suppose you stomp kittens in your spare time as well? I assume you have plenty of spare time, what with your “hate” of Monopoly! ....I'll be honest, I can't wait until I get Friday the 13th part 2 in the mail now just because I KNOW that Alice and her Monopoly hating days must come to an unpleasant end.

...But lets not dwell on the girl who didn't die, lets focus on one that did(and probably deserved it as you will see). Ok, back to this “Strip Monopoly” game they are playing. First off, I'd like to know who set up the rates because if landing on a freshly bought Baltic require the loss of a shoe what happens with a hotel laden Boardwalk? My guess is some sort of ritual sex act...

Anywhoozle back to Brenda. At first during this scene I thought I was going to end up liking her, I mean after all she wanted to play Monopoly (See that Alice, she knows what is good!), in fact she even made up Strip Monopoly which combines two very fine past times(though not very well as I mentioned above). So what happened that made me turn on Brenda as quick as I did on that nutjob Alice? Well just take a gander at the posted picture.

See what the problem is? No? Let me help, after Brenda rolls the dice she exclaims “Double sixes, I get to go again” or something to that effect...Do you see the trouble now? Brenda is a filthy cheat and a liar, just take a look at the blown up version(I know it isn't as clear as I would have liked either) clearly you can see that the dice do now show a six and another six, they show a one and a two, yup good ol' Acey Ducey. So you see Brenda was a cheat and after that whatever she got she had coming to her!

But like I said, other than the one scene there I really enjoyed the movie. Especially since I suspect Beastie Boy involvement

¹ You should be able to tell this is pretty much completely tongue in cheek²

² But seriously..who hates Monopoly?

Final Girl Film Club: The Innocents (Askewed style)

2007-06-21T02:42:00.000-07:00

I had it so totally planned out, I was going to get “The Innocents” in the mail quite early (almost immediately after the last Film Club review ) watch it and write down my thoughts and have everything wrapped up in a nice little bow safe and sound just waiting for the due date to spring forth.

Then I got the movie and watched it. I don't know what the reason was but on my first run through the movie I was heavily disappointed, it could have been my mood, it could have been the expectations I had for what I was going to see, it cold have been the great big glass of haterade that I had with lunch I just don't know. What I do know is that I saw it the first time and was demoralized, the motivation that I had felt to write something up and get it ready dwindled to almost non existence. I struggled to put words down. So I took a break and moved on to some other movies.

One of those movies was “Wrong Turn” another movie for which I had really high hopes upon my first viewing (a few years ago) but was ultimately disappointed by. The only reason I gave it another shot was because Stacie demanded it (by demanded I of course mean gently urged(by gently urged I mean subliminally implanted the command into my brain(Woof!*))). As it turned out I no longer agreed with my first thoughts on “Wrong Turn” Though it is not my favorite movie of all times, I still have some issues with it...I mean come on you you hired Eliza Dushku for a reason give the poor girl something amazing to do!..but I digress. The point is when I started thinking about finishing up what I had written about “The Innocents” I realized that maybe I was quick to condemn it.

It was decided (by me) that I needed to watch it again. Sadly I had already packed it back up and shipped it on it's merry way so the second viewing would have to wait until the magical mail gnomes saw fit to once again deliver DVD goodness to my doorstep. This is what took a large chunk of my time.

Once The movie arrived and I started watching it I caught myself really getting into it this time, enjoying it and noticing a lot more than I had the first time (in my original viewing it never even occurred to me that the haunting may actually not be real). At that point I really had no choice but to rewrite everything.

Also worth noting, while I write these things I usually scan through the movie so I can point out certain scenes more clearly and grab screen shots if I want. The first time I attempted to do it this time I ended up just watching the whole thing through a third time.

*I barked like a dog? What on Earth are you talking about, I did no such thing!

The Basics
When Miss Giddens (Deborah Kerr) takes on the position of governess for a young girl, Flora (Pamela Franklin) and her brother Miles (Martin Stephens) things start out quite well. She lives out on a country estate in England, a rather large and beautiful estate at that. The children seem quite well behaved. She even strikes up a fast friendship with longtime housekeeper Mrs. Grose (Megs Jenkins). Yes things seem to be going well indeed. Or are they?

Not long after Miss Giddens arrives she begins to believe that the spirits of the recently deceased governess, Miss Jessel (Clytie Jessop) and her lover, the valet Peter Quint (Peter Wyngard) are not only haunting Bly. But they are also attempting to poison and claim the souls of the children!

What worked for me
Normally here I like to pick out some scenes or dialog that really stands out to me and proclaims “Hey I'm awesome, remember me!” But I confess I am kind of at a loss this time. Not because there weren't any awesome scenes but because there were way to many. The entire movie had a very fluid feeling about it for me. But this would be even more boring than usual if I didn't try to come up with something and so we continue on.

There are things about the movie that I can point out. Things that all to often I tend to overlook or take for granted but this time really caught my eye.

The scenery is perfect; extremely lush beautiful countryside leading up to the estate, some great garden areas in the surrounding area some quite pleasant some downright creepy. That isn't even mentioning the house itself, you can definitely feel how large the place is, a vast amount of rooms each finding a way to invoke a different emotional response (even the creepy creepy hallway gets into the act).

If I mention the scenery I also must find time to mention the lighting. Would the hallway be half as creepy if it wasn't for the flickering candlelight keeping only the essentials visible? Probably not. Would the scene in which Miss Giddens sees Quint up on the tower been quite as intense if not for the blinding light pulsing in and out? I don't believe so.

The best thing about the movie for me though? The fact that it is never explained whether or not the haunting is real or if it is all nothing more than a very unfortunate figment of Miss Giddens imagination. In the end you get to believe whatever you want to believe.

A few tidbits I really enjoyed
Ok, so I decided there were a few scenes worth mentioning, leave it to me to contradict myself..I'll beat myself senseless later, but for now...

I really liked the entire opening scene/setup with The Uncle (Michael Redgrave). Very quickly it presented everything you needed to know. You learned that the children were orphaned, why The Uncle isn't taking care of them himself(I wouldn't either, them are some creepy kids), why they need a new governess, what is expected of her, what experience she has (or doesn't have), where she comes from(preachers daughter?...that explains a lot), that above all else she loves children (why doesn't she marry them then?....sorry). I also rather like the character of The Uncle. If nothing else he is honest.

Though most of the scary/creepy in the movie was in fact creeping (pun may or may not have been intended there) there is one scene that does stand out as unsettling. Miss Giddens decides that a quick game of hide and seek before bed would be ok for the children, when her turn to hide comes she masterfully decides to hide behind a closed curtain (because who would look behind there?) but as she shuts the curtain behind her outside Quint slowly steps up to the window staring directly at (or is it through?) her. It may not sound like much as I have typed it but the cold stare of Quint combined with the absolute shock/terror on Giddens' face make the the scene quite intense and very unsettling.

And what can I say about the ending? As I said it is up to your interpretation. In my eyes what happened was Miss Giddens' hallucinations lead her into a madness that ended up driving poor Flora insane and left Miles dead from fright/shock.

Askewed Review: "To Kill a Mockingbird"

2007-05-28T23:40:00.001-07:00

I am on a never ending quest to repair the damage that my youth caused. Namely I am trying to play catch up and see all of the movies that I should have seen. After a suggestion (and some slight urging) I decided a good place to start would be “To Kill a Mockingbird”.

The Basics
Taking place in the 1930s In the small town of Maycomb Alabama a black man is accused of raping and beating a white woman. There is only one lawyer in town willing to take on the case, that man is Atticus Finch.

Atticus is a widowed father of two, his children Scout and her brother Jem spend their summers with their new friend Dill. They explore the town, play games, and discuss “Boo” Radley the local “madman” (at least according to town legend and Dill's Aunt). That is until the trial starts and the kids start to learn just how harsh and unfair the world around them can be.

What worked for me
One of the first things that came to my mind as soon as I was done watching the movie was that I couldn't actually classify it to just one genre. There are elements of a coming of age story, Scout, Jem, and Dill living, playing, and growing up in a small town. Then there are the some very suspenseful elements, the kids investigating “The Radley Place”. There is even a bit of family drama with Atticus doing what he can to raise his kids up correctly. Top that all off with a nice little chunk of courtroom drama and you stay may not have cracked more than just the surface of all that is going on!

My lord, has there ever, or can there ever be a man in the history of movies who is better than Atticus Finch? What a great character, a hero in the truest sense of the word. Win or lose what matters is he never compromised himself or his beliefs. Gregory Peck was really a highlight of the movie for me...Did I mention how great I think Atticus is?

The movie definitely takes its time getting where it is going. Even so there really isn't any dead moments, everything in the 2+ hours seems very deliberate. Even the few small tangents that are taken are well placed and help you really get to know and care about the characters and the situations that they are in.

Final Thoughts
The two paragraph “basics” story summary that I put up there honestly doesn't do the movie anything near justice. I intentionally chose to keep it short, had I let myself go I could have easily gone on and on and on (in fact in a first draft I did). That really wouldn't have served any good purpose, what I am hoping my briefness will achieve is to convince at least one person as I was convinced to rent “To Kill a Mockingbird” and be blown away (again just as I was) by it.

For what it is worth I have added this to my shortlist of movies to buy. I made the decision a few days after watching it when I realized how much I was thinking about it, multiple viewings I am sure will bring out new realizations and a new appreciation for the film. As I said there is a lot to absorb.

As I said this movie made me think a lot, especially about racism and injustice and what a truly messed up place this world has been (and can be) at times. The fate of Tom Robinson after the trial is heartbreaking, and Bob Ewell's attack on Jem and Scout is very disturbing. Of course the attack leads to the revelation of “Boo” Radley (a silent but still expressive and young Rober Duvall).

I like to add pictures and screen shots to my writings quite often, just to break things up a bit. This time I really want to bring attention to one of my favorite moments in TKaMB, the scene in the court room after the jury's decision came in. Even when the rest of the courtroom has cleared out the uppers section (the black section) waits for Atticus to leave, standing as he does so showing their respect for the man who fought for one of their own when nobody else would.

In summary (isn't it a little bit late for me to be summing things up?) I give “To Kill a Mockingbird” a surprising and mighty pollex up!

....now stop reading my tripe and go rent it for yourself!

Abridged Movie Review: Prince of Darkness

2007-04-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

Time to try something new. Never let it be said that I'm not a joiner!

Over at Final Girl the awesome (yep I still use the word awesome) Stacie Ponder has a film club. This is my humble first attempt at joining in. Mainly I'm doing it because I don't want to be a pitied fool.

First thing is first. I had a really difficult time getting a hold of this movie. Like ridiculously difficult. So much so that I even eventually ventured into the small local library in town here to check their collection of DVDs to see if by chance they had it.... Of course they didn't and I'm pretty sure that my inquiries into a movie called “Prince of Darkness” made me a topic of discussion/worry at at least two or three of the local churches here in town. When I did end up with a copy of the movie I didn't have it long so I unfortunately was a little bit rushed while watching it. I'm hoping to grab myself a copy and revisit it soon and maybe update what I am about to say.

Anyways...

When I sat down to watch “Prince of Darkness” I only knew two things about it. First it is John Carpenter movie and second it is about some sort of “Prince” of Darkness”. So going in blind I really didn't know what to expect and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised...If “pleasantly” is an adjective that can be used when talking about this movie.

Whats that basics?
It seems that the Catholic Church has a secret, a secret that has been hiding for many years in the basement of an old abandoned church. The death of a priest brings a key and diary into the possession Father Loomis (Donald Pleasence) who soon after discovers the church, the basement, and the giant cylinder full of some pretty nasty looking green goo.

Father Loomis consults with a professor (Victor Wong) and it is decided that they along with a few select students will set up shop in the church to decipher just exactly what all is going on here. Naturally once they all get settled in it doesn't take long for things to go wrong... Fatally wrong!

So what works about this movie for me?
Well for starters Carpenter did an awesome job of making with the creepy. Seriously, it is like he reached into his brain and used every disturbing image he could pull out. An old dimly lit church (by the way the lighting was spot on perfect for the mood), evil insects, strange dreams, a murderous Alice Cooper, the list could go on and on!

I may lose man points for this but I swear if I glance up and notice that the window is filling up with worms I'm gone!

I really liked that it was such a slow burn and took the time that was needed. That is something I think a lot of movies recently have been missing. Having that “I wonder what will happen next?” feeling is a lot easier when you have actual time to wonder. Though with all the time that they had I do wish they would have explored a few things a little more fully, the dream/message for instance. To me the reoccurring nature of the dreams and the explanation seemed a bit rushed. I am glad it was included, it played a major role in what I thought was a really good way to end things.

"Prince of Darkness" has a little something for everyone at one point or another. Religious thriller, a bit of science fiction, zombie like minions, killer bugs, some humor, a little romance, and just about the best mustache that has ever been committed to film.

My personal kudos go out to Jameson Parker for having the ability to sport such a masterpiece! I wish I knew his secret.

Nowhere near Abridged Movie Review Recap

2007-04-19T02:52:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to come out and say it. When I was somewhere between 12 and 14 years old director Fred Olen Ray mind fucked me. He mind fucked me hard.

So I've always had this little thing I like to call insomnia. What that means now is that I am able to sit up and go through blogs all night while occasionally committing my own incoherent thoughts to writing. What it meant when I was younger was that I could stay up all night long and watch any interesting movies that I found.

Well one night I was going through the premium channel listings and I found one that said something along the lines of. “ Four coeds in an old house read from a magic book and accidentally release a cartoon demon. A demon with a taste for sex and blood.” So yeah I tuned in.

See I was smart, I did the math and I realized; “Coeds” = boobs, “cartoon demon” = hilarious, and “taste for sex and blood” = ~~the reason I should be in therapy~~ good clean entertainment!!

Now this is where the trouble began. I watched “Evil Toons.” I watched it and my world crumbled. I was supposed to love this movie. It had coeds, it had a cartoon demon, it had a cartoon demon raping a coed... Where was the love for the movie? Was it a problem with me? Was I incapable of love? Perhaps I was some sort of stone man devoid of human soul, doomed to walk the earth until the end of days never knowing true happiness?

Well I should have moved on from that. But I just couldn't forget that movie and those feelings. Then the damn thing got put on heavy rotation, nearly every night I was given a chance to redeem myself and attempt to regain my soul. The love never came, but a cold tolerance was developed.

Recently some stuff I have read has brought forth some repressed memories and I was forced to dig this thing out of the archives and give it another watch.

Hold on tight cause here we go!

The very first thing we are greeted with here is a message from director/mind fucker Fred Olen Ray. Before the film starts he just wants to make clear to us the viewers/mind fuckees that “The story you are about to see is true. Nothing has been changed. These are actual people who lived this great adventure and this is exactly the way it really happened.”

Moving on. Oh sweet I've always wanted to be able to start out a story like this!

It was a dark and stormy night. There is a spooky looking front door, a spooky looking fence slowly and spookily closes in on the house all by itself. I'm spooked for realz! Wait a minute, is that? Kwai Chang Caine himself David Carradine, oh you know this is going to be rocking now.

Carradine isn't alone, he is carrying a book. A book with a face. A book with a face that speaks “In times of trouble let your conscious be your guide.” And guide him it does, all the way into a basement with a conveniently set up noose which he promptly uses. Like a sucker I forgot to set my noose up before the movie started, so I'm stuck watching.

Now presumably some time has passed since the incident. Enter our coeds. Terry the “team leader”, Jan the generic, Roxanne the slutty girl, and Megan the brain (aka the not so secretly hot one). Apparently they have been hired to stay in this house over the weekend to clean it out for the new owners. For their troubles they will make a whopping $100 a piece. Roxanne doesn't seem too impressed by the amount. I don't know why, this was made in '91/'92, according to my math $100 back then would equal roughly $42,000 today... I think.

The girls start to get settled in and they ask Terry about the rumors of the last family that lived there. Well it seems that they got so freaked out by something that they up and left in the middle of the night leaving everything behind. Even their CD player, no shit! Time to meet the neighbor Mr. Hinchlow, and nearly immediately get the creeps.

Cleaning time, always start with the basement. Wait aren't basements supposed to be attached to the house or at least be underground? Well they call it a basement but it looks more like a garage to me. Either way while cleaning up the place. And by cleaning up I mean snooping around. Terry and Meg find a trunk with a “funky tag.” The contents of the trunk? Oh just a little something I like to call Evil! And a fancy knife, some sort of shroud, and of course skeletal remains. There is always skeletal remains. Ever the thinker Terry decides to keep some of these in case they are antiques and worth money.

Nearly five minutes of almost cleaning, that means break time! Back into the house. Wait, what happened to break time.. now it is night time. Uh oh that storm is back. Uh oh David Carradine is back. Uh oh the book is back.

Roxanne proves her slutty prowess by offering to show the girls how she “gets her hooks” into guys. I myself have often postulated that when college girls get together it soon enough turns into a big strip fest. My suspicions are confirmed, cha-ching!Also confirmed is my theory that Meg the brain is pure, and innocent, but curious and a maybe a little prude. I am still unsure exactly why it is that Meg gets upset and runs upstairs, but there isn't much time to question over it as there is a knock on the door and Caine delivers a package to the ladies. Well what would you call him? We don't know his name yet.

There is that book again. Wait a second that book looks vaguely familiar. Do I know it's brother? Hey look it is the Evil Dead Necronomicon. Well any brother of the Book of the Dead is A-OK in my book! So Terry and Jan are looking through the book but they can't read it they need it translated, now where did that Meg run off to.

Ah ha, found her. Meg is checking herself out in the mirror, and she's naked! Make a mental note to remember these few seconds of the movie and try to forget all else that you have seen.

Remember how I said Meg was the brain? Well that is partially true, she does know how to read a little bit of ancient Latin. What she doesn't know apparently is that you should never ever translate something like that out loud. You always read the full text in your head first, that way you can find the warning before it is too late. Even I know that and I barely read and speak one language.

Bedtime. Well not for Roxanne, she has a guy coming over. Even though the man that hired them Burt said no monkey business. Oh man I can just tell that everything is about to go bananas! Roxanne struggles to pop the cork on a bottle of wine that appears to have a twist top, Carradine skulks about outside, a cartoon monster leaps from the pages of the book into reality. You know same crap different day.

Wait a minute, the monster looks familiar. Do I know it's brother? Hey check it out, its Sherman Fangsworth aka Fangface! Boy I wish you could stick around Fangface, I think these girls are going to have a mystery that needs solving pretty soon.

Boy did the two apples fall in completely different directions on that family tree or what? I don't remember Fangface ever raping, killing a and then assuming the identity of a girl, do you? Well his brother The Monster (that is how he is credited so I take it as his name) seems to excel at that. He isn't all bad though, during the rape he does find time to pass out a compliment, “Nice tits.” Upstairs the girls are having trouble sleeping, who can blame them with all the screaming? Meg decides she needs to go down and check, just in case. Too late though Roxanne is gone and the monster being a master of subterfuge takes her shape and even finds a way to explain away the blood that is covering her naked body.

Carradine looks on.

A knock at the door brings Biff (sadly not Tannen), Roxanne's man friend into the house. The monster still in the guise of the girl takes the opportunity to get some good natured dry humping in before devouring our friend Biff (still not Tannen). Poor Biff (never gonna be Tannen), we barely knew you. More noise, Meg must investigate. If only Fangface were here to help out.

How inconvenient, Burt is sitting there minding his own business watching “A Bucket of Blood” when the phone rings. I wonder if I should find a copy of “A Bucket of Blood”, Burt wonders who would be calling at this hour? Why it's that pesky Mr. Hinchlow telling him about the blood curdling screams. Burt has to go investigate, even if it means missing some Friday night sex with Mrs. Burt (yep that is her credited character name).

By the time Burt shows up to the house he is drunk, I am wishing that I drank, and the girls have discovered the body of Biff (the un-Tannen). Well golly they can't have Burt coming in and finding a dead man's body, they could be fired! They lock him outside and move the body, luckily for Burt Roxanne is going to take him around the back way to let him in... Wait a minute, uh oh.

Ok good Roxanne, with monster inside isn't killing Burt, she is just giving him the tour. Here is where we found the shroud, here is where the dagger was, here is where the trouble started. I'm trouble, are you looking for trouble? Looks like the night wasn't a total bust, he may not be getting Friday night sex but there appears to be a BJ in Burt's immediate future... Wait a minute, uh oh.

Poor Burt.

Thanks to Ms. Smartypants Meg the girls find out that plunging the dagger into the beast will kill it. Being stabbed is also one of my weaknesses.

Back to the garage which is now being called a cellar. The body of Burt is discovered, naturally this leads to running around and screaming.

Carradine looks on.

Hinchlow is back, and he seems to know a little bit too much about the book for my liking. At least he provides us with Carradine's name finally.

Say hello to Gideon Fisk. Wait a minute, Gideon Fisk looks familiar. Do I know his brother? Hey once again I do, it's Keith Carradine from televisions “Complete Savages”. Hey Keith hows it going? I sure do miss your show, it was the Savagey-est-ish-er.....

Once again back on track. The Monster Roxanne momentarily fools the girls into thinking it was all a gag. Back to the basement/cellar/garage to get some payback on the boys for their chicanery. It only takes the girls a few minutes of slapping the corpses around to realize that something isn't right. With the cat out of the bag the Roxanne monster reveals his/her(?) plan to send their souls to the master (Either Satan or Fred Olen Ray, they never say)..

Bye bye generic Jan. You must be sacrificed so the other two can escape. Don't worry though you won't have a boring death. Boy the monster sure does have a thing for boobs doesn't he/she?

Uh oh Roxanne seems to have finished kill/raping Jan and has now found Meg and Terry back in the house. Sorry Terry it is your turn for a little monster/girl on girl rape/killing (I'm not really sure of the order). Run Meg RUN! No don't fall down the stairs run.. Well this looks grim.

This Roxanne monster seems to enjoy exposition almost as much as boobs. Poor Meg, she is expected to read the passage in the book over and over to unleash the rest of the drawing. I guess our monstery friend doesn't know ancient Latin.

Fisk stops looking on

Time for action it seems. He has the knife but sadly lacks the physical strength to overpower the monster. Meg offers a little distraction, and wastes a bottle of wine. Fisk makes with the stabby stabby. The Roxanne monster reverts back to plain old cartoon monster, whiny plain old cartoon monster. Apparently being stabbed hurts, he better head back to the book!

That smart cookie Meg she came up with the clever plan of burning the book in the fireplace. Monster doesn't like that, he vows revenge in the sequel. I silently weep at the thought.

Now that The Monster is dead Meg is all upset, all of her friends are dead. She should really watch this movie so she can see that her “friends” talk a pretty fair amount of crap about her behind her back. Anyway Fisk reveals that she will find them very much alive. Thanks to Meg the monster now never existed. Fisk then disappears, apparently his curse has been lifted.

Cue mega happy ending, morning comes Meg wakes up on the couch, big happy fun time reunion nobody is dead. But everyone (save Meg) is a little confused.

Hinchlow has a thermos of coffee and a portable TV. I hope he plans on sharing I could use some caffeine after all of this.

Why the TV though? It is Saturday morning of course, he though the girls might want to watch some nice cartoons.

Meg screams.

I scream.

The people upstairs stomp on their floor and mutter something about the time. I thank them with four letters.

After the viewing here is what I want to know. What is this movie supposed to be? Slasher horror? Can't be, there is shockingly little gore, and the killings all happen off screen. How about sexy fun time naked boobfest? Nope, there is some nudity, and a lot of sexual suggestions but really only one of the girls, Meg (played by Monique Gabrielle) is all that attractive. Plus there isn't any real sex to speak of, and in all my life I have never ever seen such a pathetic attempt at cartoon on coed rape.

Quite the journey this has been, and nobody can say that this has gone well. But I suppose the journey is the point and not the result right? Wait a minute, uh oh.

A Special Abridged Movie Review for April 1, 2007.

2007-04-01T01:17:00.000-07:00

Today is a very exciting day. Today I get to write about ~~one of best movies~~ THE best movie in the last ten years.

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

It is the year 3000 (hence the title) and the Earth has been overtaken by the evil Psychlos. Humans are scarce, those who do exist are either slaves for the Psychlos or members of small tribe like colonies that exist in mountain areas and the like. Those who are not already enslaved live in fear of being caught or killed. The Psychlos still occupy Earth in an attempt to mine from it of all of it's valuable resources (gold). That is until a group of humans lead by Johnny “Good boy” Tyler (Barry Pepper) who were sent by the chief security officer Terl (A very menacing John Travolta) on a secret illegal mining operation (he intends to keep a large sum of gold for himself) work out a plan to fight back.

How can you go wrong? The special effects are top notch. The acting is superb. The story is airtight. You really feel for these poor humans, their pain both physical but also more importantly mental. As a race they are beaten down, defeated, reduced to the most basic of the basic. Yet they survive.. They fight.. They win.

That is the power of this film, it takes you on multiple journeys and it keeps you engaged and entertained for every second of the 119 minutes (too short I say!). Battlefield Earth is not simply a fantastic sci-fi movie, it is also a deep enriching and ultimately satisfying telling of the triumph of the human spirit over what seems to be impossible odds....and aliens.

Abridged DVD Review: Rocky Balboa

2007-03-25T01:45:00.000-07:00

Written and Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Burt Young, Geraldine Hughes, Milo Venimiglia, Antonio Tarver, and James Francis Kelly III

Though there are some snags along the way this movie surprised me and I found it completely enjoyable. In place of the nonsensical punch fest that I was expecting I found an engaging, emotional (and dare I say nearly sweet?) story of a man nearly broken, angry, and depressed finding a way to literally and figuratively fight back against his own inner demons and a world that seems intent on dragging him down.

Emotion seems to be the word of the day, which is good because pretty much the entire first half of the movie is all about emotion. There is very little in the way of action, it is all about the characters.

From Rocky and Paulie having two different reactions to a memory laden trip through Philadelphia on the anniversary of Adrian's death, to Rocky dealing with an ultimately unfulfillable job while Paulie deals with the loss of his, to Robbie Jr. having issues living under the shadow cast by the name Balboa. There is a lot of emotion to process, and I didn't even cover half of it, just the early stuff.

Of course as the previews for the movie told us. A cable sports show conducts a computer generated fight between Rocky and the current champ Mason “The Line” Dixon(OK I admit something when horribly wacky with that name) which has Rock take the win. This leads to Rocky getting the idea to train again and eventually try for a few small fights, you know “just to compete”.

While all of that is playing out the boxing world is having a tough time. Dixon is extremely unpopular with the fans(seriously, they throw things at him and everything) and the buy rates are going down. That is when his managers realize that a Balboa/Dixon exhibition might just stir up some much needed attention. Guess what this leads to, MONTAGE! ...But in a good way. Even though training is underway there are still plenty of obstacles to get past before the big fight.

By the time Dixon and Rocky actually make it into the ring with each other you are connected and almost need this fight to happen as badly as Rocky. I don't want to ruin anything else here but I can say this, the fight is everything that it needs to be and then some.

I was particularly impressed with the way that Stallone's performance. The simpleness (notice I didn't say unintelligent, I believe he is quite smart in his own perhaps unconventional way) in Rocky if played incorrectly could sway from endearing to offensive very easily.

I also want to mention a bit from the extras, an extended version of the scene after Paulie loses his job, behind the restaurant Rocky and him have a talk. In the deleted parts of the scene Paulie has such an amazing emotional(there is that word again!) breakdown that I don't even think I can describe it. Just very intense and at times a little difficult to watch. In the end the extended version does go on a little longer than I would like, but after watching it I definitely have to give my respect to Burt Young.

On the flip side of what I have been saying there were a few small things that were a bit annoying. At times it does feel like you are being emotionally lead around. Also a lot of the problems that Rocky runs into seem to be solved in a similar manner (lets face it, an emotional speech is a great thing for a movie to have, but would it really be able to sway an athletic commissions decision? Yeah I don't think so either.). The only other main issue I had that comes to mind immediately is the second montage aka the final fight. There was a little bit of everything thrown into that fight, by that I mean effect wise there was just something of everything. Replays, slow motion, black and white effects, crazy cutting and fading, pretty much everything short of rotoscoping. It all seemed a bit much.

In case I haven't made it painfully clear yet. My recommendation is, if you haven't done so already already. Seek out Rocky Balboa and give it a chance, you just may enjoy yourself.

He's pretty close to a guy you can't hit

2007-03-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

Going through eight movies in about two and a half days may sound like an awesome idea, but I don't think I can fully endorse it as a regular behavior. Stagger your marathons or at least conduct them with care.

Don't worry, when I did it over the weekend I did manage to find a little time in there to eat, sleep, shower, and even play a little Xbox Texas Hold'em. Of course by “sleep” I do mean that I passed out in the middle of a hand during the Texas Hold'em and woke up an hour and a half later with a stiff neck and a pair of threes.

By the way, this will be the first time that I will be simulposting my thoughts here as well as over at the so far Untitled Review Repository. Basically I put the new place together to keep my reviews and thoughts on things (mostly movies) accessible without having to subject yourself to my random personal postings. Now on with the show we go.

I was tempted to not say a word on this one until after I had a chance to watch Infernal Affairs but I find myself unable or at least unwilling to keep quiet. The first thing you will probably notice here is the cast, Scorsese really managed to bring them out for this one. Jack Nicholson really seemed to be having fun with this role, he found a way to be both likable (possibly even lovable) and vile almost at times in the same breath. Mark Wahlberg also found a way to impress me with his performance. He didn't get a ton of screen time here but what he did get he made count. Seriously, the man basically turned swearing into an art form. Those are just a couple of small examples, the rest of the cast (Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprion, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Vera Farmiga) also performed to excellence. They all even managed to pull off two and a half straight hours of Boston accents without it becoming some sort of scary farce of itself (trust me, there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere).

So an overly simplified plot explanation could go something like... The Irish Mafia (or at a branch of it led by Jack Nicholson) sneaks a mole (Matt Damon) into the Massachusetts state police while at the same time the cops recruit their own mole (Leonardo DiCaprio) to infiltrate the Irish Mafia. Eventually both sides start wising up to the fact that they are compromised and the race is on to see who can discover who first.

Along the way there is no shortage of violence, bloodshed, romance, friendship, betrayal, confusion, oh yes and some (more) violence. This movie really reminded me to never underestimate the power of a surprise death.

Scorsese definitely hit this one out of the park. Scorsese doing a great film isn't really all that newsworthy at this point I don't think (hasn't he earned enough credit at this point that we just assume he knows what he is doing?) but what is newsworthy is the fact that he was able to do so unbelievably well with a re-make of a foreign flick.... Eat your heart out Dark Water

Also worth noting briefly is that this movie I believe solidifies for me that DiCaprio has finally shaken off most of the stink brought forth by Titanic. Congrats Leo, I look forward to not openly mocking you in all of your future endeavors!